Note: this is a mirror of the original which is hosted at
I decided to mirror it because Twitter doesn't like Tripod links and I wanted to tweet about something I'd contributed to back in the day.
This FAQ remains the intellectual property of the creators (mostly Fritz) as credited below.
Sorry/not-sorry for the authentic 90s formatting.


A lisping hero... a mysterious name... a classic paarody

version 3.0

by Fritz Fraundorf


I. Revision History
II. Frequently Asked Questions
III. Walkthrough: Disc One
The Beginning
The Shipyard
Lucille's Rescue
The Quest for Tim
Beath of Flams
Giant Robot Parrots From Mars!
Setting Sail
IV. Walkthrough: Disc Two
Revenge of the Demon Squirrels
More Than Just Deserts
Breakwind Takes to the Skies
Guaranteed To Catch Their Heart
Welcome to the Empire
There's Something About Pokérman
Gnomes of Zurich
Eternal Plane of Jello
The Towers
V. Walkthrough: Disc Three
Final Battle
VI. Side Quests
Ultimate Weapon Locatioons
Gear Parts Locations
Enemy Skillz Locations
Hippo Breeding
Tin Saucer Bonus Games
Rush Limbaugh
Chef Boyardee
The Coliseum
Mt. Cool Whip
Chasing the Phantom Mole
The Abyss
Burnt Hippo
Penultima Armor / Viagra Falls
Lead Armor
All 0 Fever
VII. Items
Key Items
VIII. Abilities
Gear Abilities
Woodchuck Powers
Enemy Skillz
Woodchuck Genes
Call Spells
Muppet Summons
Slot Effects
IX. Wak-a-Mole
Whacking Spots
Mole Types
Molenillo's Shops
X. Platypus Village
Building List
XI. Credits / Disclaimer


Version 3.0 (9/9/98):
- Final version
- Explained how to defeat the Lead Armor
- Added Zitti's Ultimate Weapon, the Bow Knows, which was
accidentally left out of the previous version

Version 2.4 (8/26/98):
- FINALLY added the Slot Effects, thanks to Ciaran Conliffe
(who also did the whole Platypus Village section).
- Covered the Arcade Octagon in the Tin Saucer.
- Added the list of Muppet Summons and coliseum prizes.
- Added an uncompleted sidequest: the Lead Armor.
- Added the remaining enemy skill, Life Roulette, learned at
Cosmo Mountain on Disc 2.
- Added abilities for the Hybrids I hadn't covered.
- The beginnings of the Tactics Beath FAQ are up! Check 'em
out. I'm going to use most of the unused Beath contributions
in it, so if you suggested something near the end of Beath,
it may show up in TB.

Version 2.0 (8/18/98):
- Well, the walkthrough's done. There might be a few more
additions to the FAQ, but this is basically it. However,
there's going to be a sequel, Tactics Beath, so if you've got
any ideas for it, send them in!
- Added The Abyss sidequest to get Kain, the Burnt Hippo
sidequest for Pokérman's best weapon, and the Viagra Falls
quest for Dullard's best weapon (you knew there had to be
a Viagra joke somewhere...).
- Completed the Hippo Breeding section, detailing the steps
necessary to get a Gold Hippo and the ultimate call spell,
Knights of Labor!
- Also, Dullard and Lucille now have last names (Dullard Ego
and Lucille Westborough), and the planet where Beath takes
place has a name as well -- Filbert.
- Added a list of where to get the various Gear Parts and
Ultimate Weapons to the side quest section.
- Added another Frequently Asked Question.
- LAST CALL FOR CONTRIBUTIONS! (to Beath 1, anyway)
If you've got any ideas for the few remaining bits of stuff
I need to add (the Arcade Octagon in the Tin Saucer, Muppet
summons, Pokérman's Slot attacks, Coliseum prizes, Platypus
Village stuff), send 'em in!

Version 1.7 (8/4/98):
- Two more walkthrough sections. Only two more to go...
- Hippo Breeding and Platypus Village sections expanded
- Added onto the Coliseum quest
- Added two new side quests: Mt. Cool Whip and Chasing The Phantom
- If I used your contributions and didn't credit you for it, let me
know. I wrote this update away from home and didn't have my list
of contributions, so it's certainly possible I left you out on

Version 1.6 (7/27/98):
- Added yet another walkthrough section, Gnomes of Zurich. This
one's probably the most ridiculous one yet.
- Platypus Village and Hippo Breeding greatly expanded, thanks
to contributors
- Added the Coliseum quest and a list of where to learn
Enemy Skillz to the Side Quest section
- Covered the Hippo Square in the Tin Saucer
- Added a note about learning Stop Pants from Pavarotti or in
the desert

Version 1.5 (7/24/98):
- Hi, kids! Can you say "another walkthrough section"? I know
you can! ANOTHER WALKTHROUGH SECTION. Oh, that was super-dee-
duper! Uhehaha!
- Another side quest: Chef Boyardee

Version 1.4 (7/23/98):
- Whee, more walkthrough.
- I could REALLY use some Platypus Village and hippo breeding

Version 1.3 (7/21/98):
- Yes Virginia, there really is another walkthrough section.
- WANTED: More info on Platypus Village and hippo breeding.

Version 1.2 (7/17/98):
- Wow, another walkthrough section.
- Added the Rush Limbaugh quest to the side quests.
- A brand new section - Platypus Village!

Version 1.1 (7/16/98):
- Completed the "Breakwind Takes to the Skies" walkthrough
- Added Side Quests section with basic info on Hippo Breeding
and huge Tin Saucer coverage.
- Added another fishing spot in the SoggyFrontier.

Version 1.0 (7/14/98):
- Finished Disc 1 walkthrough, began Disc 2
- Note to contributors: While I welcome all the contributions
I get, and am glad to see something as ridiculous as this is
actually popular, I cannot use *every* contribution I receive,
as many of them directly conflict with each other or don't fit
into the context of the game. However, I will try to fit as
many of them in as possible, so please understand if your
suggestion isn't used... and try again!

Version 0.9 (7/6/98):
- La dee da, another walkthrough chapter, blah blah blah.

Version 0.8 (7/3/98):
- Another walkthrough chapter... surprise!
- One new code for the Room Everybody Hates.
- Added a new Frequently Asked Question.
- I'll have another update coming soon (it's all planned out,
I just need to write it). Oh, and I'm looking for more
Fusion combos, so if you've got any, send 'em in!

Version 0.7 (6/21/98):
- Yet another walkthrough chapter. What else?
- Another incomplete walkthrough chapter started, but I got
stuck at the band of thieves.
- The Gear Abilities section now lists the Gear Level you need
to get the ability (i.e., the number of "tuneups").
- Added a list of Molenillo's shops.

Version 0.6 (6/6/98):
- Another walkthrough chapter.
- Some new codes for the Room Everybody Hates, courtesy of
Tseng. For once, you don't have me to blame if they're too
weird. ^_^

Version 0.5 (6/1/98):
- One new walkthrough chapter added.
- Whack-a-Mole section added.

Version 0.4 (5/21/98):
- One new walkthrough section.
- Corrected a few item and ability names.
- Woodchuck Powers section added.
- Item list expanded with some items I left off.

Version 0.3 (5/17/98):
- Extended the walkthrough more.
- I got unstuck at the Shipyard; the key is to search the
twinkling spot that appears after General Leer leaves to get
the Imperial Badge.
- No more updates for a while; I'm working on other projects
(The Guardian Amulet 2 and my BOF3 faq).

Version 0.2 (5/15/98):
- First version


Q. Don't you mean Breath of Fire?
A. I think that's what the person who originally sent me
a message about "Beath of Flams" meant...

Q. Is this a real game?
A. No.

Q. Do you have a *real* Breath of Fire 3 FAQ?
A. Yeah, you can find at Cosmo Canyon:

Q. Since Dullard talks with a lisp, shouldn't the title be
"Beath of Flamth"?
A. Yes, but the e-mail message I got that started this
whole thing (see above) referred to "Beath of Flams", so
that's what I'm using. In fact, the whole Dullard lisping
thing was just created so I could use the word "Beath"

Q. What happened to Peco Bill? He just vanished after Disc 1.
A. ...


%%%THE BEGINNING%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You start off in the Nameless Imperial Capital, in Dullard's
(the hero) house. (note: Dullard talks with a lisp, so he calls
it the Nameleth Imperial Capital). Go downstairs and you will
find your buddies Wedge and Vicks waiting for you. They want to
explore the Forbidden Temple for no particular reason. Wedge and
Vicks join your party.
Explore town and talk to people. You'll learn that the
Empire is trying to take over the world, and that the only people
who can stop them are the Generic Resistance Group! Go to the
weapon shop and buy a Wooden Sword for Dullard. Sell the
Paper-Mache Sword that he was equipped with. Don't buy any
stuff for Wedge and Vicks; they'll be leaving you shortly.
Leave town. You will automatically go to the Forbidden
Temple. You'll have your first fights in here, but they're really
easy as Wedge and Vicks both take off over 1000 HP with each hit.
Inside the temple, search the giant can of Spam on the altar to
reveal a hidden staircase. Go downstairs. Wind your way
through the corridor until you reach a door. Go through.
Walk up to the altar and take the Ye Olde Legendarrye
Sworde. When you take the sword, Russell the Demon King appears
and zaps Wedge and Vicks, killing them. Dullard exclaims
"Oh my God, they killed Wedge and Vickth!", to which Russell
replies, "You frontin'?" You then have to fight Russell. You
can only take off 1 HP, and Russell kills you in two hits --
there's no way you can win.
Russell breaks Ye Olde Legendarrye Sworde, then teleports you
to the Eternal Plane of Jello. You fall down and land on a big
pile of red Jello. Jump in the hole in the Jello and you'll
fall into a small shrine with a statue of the Kool-Aid Pitcher
Guy. Examine the statue and the Kool-Aid Guy himself will
appear. The Kool-Aid Guy tells you the timeless conflict between
the forces of the Jello (the good guys) and the Spam (the bad
guys) is beginning once again, and that only you, the legendary
hero, can defeat the forces of the Spam. Dullard thinks this is
cool because he always wanted to be a legendary hero. The
Kool-Aid Pitcher then heals you and teleports you back to the
Forbidden Temple.
The Temple is in rubble. Fight your way back out until you
get to the entrance. Some people from the Nameless Imperial
Capital are here. They are angry with you for releasing
Russell, and banish you from town.


Back on the world map, you are unable to return to the
Nameless Imperial Capital, so head southwest until you get to
Crappy Mining Town. All the stores here sell is Crappy Potions
(restore 1 HP), Crappy Swords, etc., so don't buy anything.
Instead, go to the Crappy Inn. You will automatically spend
the night. During the night, a bunch of weasels run into your
room and attack you.
Attack the weasels with your weapon. If you've learned the
Migraine Headache spell, use it as well. After you inflict
enough damage, the head weasel will say "Wait, you're not Tim.
Sorry... I thought you were someone else" and run off. Search
the sparkling spot where they were standing to get the Weasel
Pants, which are good armor.
Dullard will decide to disguise himself as a bum because,
well, he *is* a bum. The next morning, go down to the train
station (if you tried to go here before, the guy at the entrance
would say "Sorry, bums only" and not let you in). You will
board a train to the town of Noodleheim.
On board the train, head to the very back car, climb up the
ladder onto its room, and drop through the hole. Open the chest
for money, two antidotes, and a potion. Then unlock the door
and go back up to the the front of the train, where you'll
encounter the Generic Resistance Group, led by Johnny Jump-Up
and Dullard's childhood girlfriend, Lucille.
Lucille will recognize Dullard and ask him if he wants to
join the GRG. Dullard says he doesn't know; right now he's just
looking for food, but he can't eat any of the food on the train
as something has been on it to make it luscious. Lucille says
there is a spare roll of bread in the Bums' Car, but that is
infested by rats. Go back two cars and talk to the guy guarding
the door. Since you look like a bum he will let you into the
Bums' Car.
This is the first real dungeon. Inside, you fight rats and
Lost Disco Souls. Fortunately, if you get low, you can just
head back to your car and sleep. First, climb up the ladder
near you and hop across the gap between the beds. Go through
the door and climb down the ladder. When you walk away from
the ladder, Lucille will run in and ask to come with you. She
then joins the party!
Lucille makes things a lot easier as she has both a heal
spell (ingeniously titled Heal) and a fire spell (called Fire).
After she goes up a level, she will get the Hotseat spell, which
is a better fire spell.
Once Lucille joins you, go up and right. Open the chest
for a Power Ring. Equip it on Dullard to raise his attack. Then
go west and go down the ladder. Follow the path to the left
and climb up the ladder. Look along the railing to find a gap
in it, and jump down through there. You'll land next to a lever.
Flick it, then jump down to the right. Head right until you
get to the loaf of bread, which is being guarded by the Rat
Dullard should attack, and Lucille should use the Heal
spell to heal whoever's lowest. If both of you are okay, use
Fire. If the Rat Queen uses her Poison Claw attack to poison
you, use an Antidote to cure it. She has about 500 HP. After
you defeat the Rat Queen, get the Loaf of Bread. You will
automatically leave the Bums' Car.
Lucille leaves and Dullard returns to his car to go to bed.
During the night, Lucille will come in and ask Dullard again
to join the Generic Resistance Group. Dullard consests and
Lucille tells him to talk to Johnny Jump-up in the morning.
The next day, go back to the car where Johnny was and
talk to him (he's the guy wearing that cloak that obscures his
entire body). He doesn't want you to let you into the GRG,
because he thinks you're just a bum. He says "So you want to
join the Resistance, eh? It's not as easy as you think it is.
If you think you have what it takes, TRY THIS RAP!" You then
enter a bonus game in which you have to rap against Johnny.
Just press the buttons to the rhythm to mimic Johnny's
rap. You must achieve at least a "GOOD" rating to advance,
otherwise Johnny will say "Yo' gotta do it again!" If you
rap "COOL", Johnny will give you a free Life Potion.
Johnny consents to let you join the GRG. In an amazing
coincidence, the train arrives at the mountain town of Noodleheim
at that very moment. Johnny and Lucille join your party and
you are free to explore the town.
Buy new gear for Dullard and Lucille at the weapon shop,
and also buy at least 5 pieces of Mutilated Monkey Meat at the
item shop (better HP restorer than potions) at the item shop.
You'll notice that you can't get into the cave at the north end
of town; just skip it for now. Instead, go to the building in
the lower-left corner of town, GRG HQ.
Inside, you'll meet Wedge and Vicks, who have miraculously
returned to life. They and Johnny decide to bomb the Empire's
Spam processing plant in the north. Before you go there, make
sure Dullard and Lucille are at level 5 -- if you're not, just
fight Play-Doh Golems outside of town to build up experience.
Leave Noodleheim and head north to the Spam plant (the blue
square building). Enter and find your way to the basement
(you'll have to go up to the second floor, then back down to
the floor to reach the stairs to the basement). Don't miss the
Ion Peashooter for Johnny in a chest along the way. When you
reach the room with the pointless lever puzzle, just pull levers
at random until an alarm starts to sound (this may take an hour
or two). A clock will appear and you have five minutes to
escape the plant before it self-destructs. Fortunately, there is
an emergency exit in the very room you're in, so this is not too
Once outside the plant, start down the mountain trail.
Behind you, the plant explodes. An Imperial patrol will rush
up. First, you'll just have to fight some generic soldiers.
Then you take on the Imperial Captain, the second boss.
The Imperial Captain has a Slash attack that does a lot
of damage to a single target. Stay healed with Lucille's healing
spells, and use Mutilated Monkey Meat if necessary. Dullard
should cast Migraine Headache until he returns out of MP and
Johnny should attack. If nobody needs healing, have Lucille
use Fire to attack (don't use Hotseat, it uses up too much MP).
After you defeat the Captain, continue down the trail and
return to the world map. You're now on the other side of the
mountain pass that the Spam plant was blocking, and you can't
get back through as the rubble is blocking the pass.
Head south to the farming town of Azul. This town is in
big trouble as a horde of rabid water buffalo have been eating
all their crops. The bridge to the south that leads to
Noodleheim is out and nobody can repair it because everyone's
out fighting the water buffalo (the weapon shop is also closed).
The mayor begs you to go to the Pastel Woods and find the
water buffalo warren.
Stock up on items, then head east from Azul to the Pastel
Woods. You can head straight to the water buffalo warren (it's
the hole in the center), but before you do, wander around the
woods, getting into fights, until you encounter Nathaniel the
Gelatinous Pink Blob. Nathaniel will beg you not to kill him,
so just have all your characters defend. After three rounds,
Nathaniel will thank you for not killing him, give you the
Pastel Staff (a good weapon for Lucille), and run.
Now enter the hole in the middle of the forest to get
into the water buffalo warren. Wander into each den in the
warren and kill the water buffalo inside (they're pretty tough,
so you might have to make two trips to kill them all).
Each water buffalo leaves behind a piece of Water Buffalo
Dung when defeated. After you kill all 10 water buffalo,
return to Azul and get healed, then come back.
Go to the southeast corner of the warren, where there's a
small pool of water. Use the 10 pieces of dung to plug the
hole that the water is coming out and the pond will drain.
Jump down the hole and you'll land in another cave. Walk north
and you'll find 5 Water Buffalos. Here's what they say:

Water Buffalo #1: "#3 is a truth-teller."
Water Buffalo #2: "Buffalo #3 is a liar."
Water Buffalo #3: "I am a truth-teller, but #3 and #1 aren't."
Water Buffalo #4: "There's at least one liar among us."
Water Buffalo #5: "Water Buffalo never lie."

There's one more water buffalo beyond them; he asks which
of the buffalo are truth-tellers and which are liars. Solve
the puzzle, or just cheat: 2 and 4 are truth-tellers, and
1, 3, and 5 are liars. Once you get the right answer, the
top water buffalo will move and allow to reach Boss Buffalo.
Dullard should use Migraine Headache until he runs out of
MP, then attack; Lucille should heal and cast Hotseat; and
Johnny should attack. Boss Buffalo uses Buffalo Breath to
put your characters to sleep -- if this happens, attack
yourselves to wake up. Also, when defeated, he will cast a
spell called "Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo
Buffalo Buffalo" that does 60 damage to each of your characters,
so be sure to stay healed!
After defeating Boss Buffalo, climb the ladder to exit
the warren. Go back to the town of Azul and head to the fields
to report the good news to the Mayor. The Mayor is pleased that
you have defeated the buffalo and gives you 2000 nudeln.
Unfortunately, you happen to be standing in a crop circle, and,
suddenly, a flying saucer piloted by telemarketer aliens appears
and abducts you and a nearby sheep.
You are teleported up to the saucer and land in the docking
bay. The aliens, who all look like Howard Stern, escort you
up to their command center, where they want you to take a
telemarketing survery. Also in the center is another prisoner,
a female bard named Zitti, whom you'll be running into a
lot during the game. The aliens begin to conduct their
survey, but when Dullard sees that is over a thousand questions
long, he punches out the alien and grabs his keys to escape.
Head west and open the chest for some nudeln, then go east
and enter the lobby. Walk up to one of the elevators and an
alien will run by and grab your keys. You now have to play
elevator tag to get them back. The easiest way to win is to
take the elevator to the floor that the alien is on and edge
out of the elevator until he bolts for the other elevator.
Then run back into the elevator, pick a different floor, and
try to grab the alien as you run out of the door. When you
finally catch the alien, you'll have to fight him (he's just a
generic enemy), and then you get the keys back.
Go into the elevator. The green button starts the elevator
and the red button opens a pit trap in the middle of the
elevator (don't press it). Use the green button to go down to
B1 of the saucer, the engine room. Head west to the saucer
controls. Dullard, being a dullard, can't figure out to work
them ("I don't know to work the thaucer controlth"), so you're
going to have to find another way out. Dullard will, however,
open the sealed door in the room. Go in and take the Life
Potion and Docking Bay Key.
Return to the elevator and go up to 1F. Use the Docking
Bay Key to open the door and follow the platforms to the docking
bay (picking up some Mutilated Monkey Meat on the way). At
the docking bay, you'll find the sheep that was abducted with
you. Talk to it and it will start following you around. You
can try to figure out now, but it's pretty obscure (it took me
a long time to figure out what to do).
Go back into the elevator and descend to B1. Leave the elevator
and walk back in, walking straight forward. This should position
the sheep directly over the center of the elevator. Push the
red button to open the pit trap and drop the sheep into the
saucer's engine. The sheep will get caught in the machinery
(poor sheep) and cause the saucer to crash south of Azul.
You will automatically leave the saucer. Return to Azul,
where you'll learn that the bridge has been repaired. Also,
the weapon shop is open, so go there and buy the Copper gear it
offers -- but don't buy anything for Lucille unless you have a
lot of spare cash (you'll see why shortly).
Leave Azul and go southwest to the bridge back to
Noodleheim. While crossing the bridges, you will see flames
on the horizon -- Noodleheim is burning. Hurry to Noodleheim
and enter. The town is in ruins and Wedge and Vicks are
lying dying on the ground. Wedge tells you that the Empire
razed the town in a search for you guys and that they're now
up in the mountains before he bites the dust.
Go into the cave that you couldn't get in before. Take
the left path to a room with three chests containing 1500
nudeln, a Life Potion, and a Copper Sword. Then go into the
right cave and ascend the stairs. Leave the cave and you'll
be on the peaks of the Noodleheim mountains.
Follow the trail up the mountains. You will encounter
set battles against Imperial Troopers every so often (they're
not random). Use Dullard's Migraine Headache, Lucille's
Ice (if she has it), and Johnny's regular attack to defeat
them. Eventually you'll catch up with General Leer, one of
the Empire's top generals. He doesn't recognize Dullard
because Dullard is (still) dressed as a bum, and Johnny can't
be seen in his cloak, so he just cuts you down with his sword,
kidnaps Lucille, and runs away.
Dullard and Johnny try to chase Leer, but they're wounded
and can't run fast. Leer sics a huge Imperial robot on you
and a battle begins. You only have 1 HP each, so you are in
a bit of trouble... or so you think.
Suddenly, a giant robot version of the Kool-Aid pitcher,
called Kool-Aid Impact, drops down from the sky (this is a
cool FMV sequence). Kool-Aid Impact is followed by a robot
elephant called Alexandria. Dullard jumps inside the Kool-Aid
Impact, and Johnny gets in the Alexandria, and then you have
your first Gear battle.

HOW GEARS WORK: Instead of MP, Gears have Fuel. Every
action your Gears (attack, item, whatever) take consumes Fuel,
especially using your special Gear Abilities (which replace
magic when you're in your Gears). You can replenish fuel
during battle by Defending.

LEARNING GEAR ABILITIES: Gears don't learn abilities by going
up levels. You earn GP instead of EXP after each battle you
fight in your Gears (you still get money too). These GP can
be used to "buy" abilities by going to the Gear option on the
menu screen. Each Gear has its own GP count.

Anyway, back to the fight with the Imperial robot. Just
use Kool-Aid Impact's Kool-Aid Splash (and defending to recharge
its fuel when necessary) while Johnny's Alexandria attack.
The robot is really easy to defeat.
After the robot is defeated, an ominous voice says "GO
TO THE LAND OF LIGHT". Johnny asks Dullard if he has any idea
what's going on. Dullard tells Johnny about the battle
between the Jello and the Spam, and that the Empire is in
league with the Spam. Dullard guesses that the Gears must
have been sent by the Kool-Aid Guy, and that was probably his
voice that just spoke as well. Johnny is it a bit dubious,
but he agrees that they have to rescue Lucille. Before you
leave, be sure to get the Imperial Badge (the sparking blue
star) that Leer left behind.
Back in the ruins of Noodleheim, Johnny remembers that
the kingdom of Formaldehyde, which is at war with the Empire,
is sometimes referred to as the "Land of Light". Dullard and
Johnny agree that they should go there, but they need a ship.

%%%THE SHIPYARD%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Head back to Azul. Buy any supplies you need and stay at
the inn, then go southeast into the forest (not the Pastel Woods,
but the forest south of them). Look for the tiny building and
You're now at the Hippopotamus Stable, a place you'll be
visiting a lot during the game. First, examine the hippotami
in the pasture outside. You will be given two options: "Grunt"
and "Gruuunt". Choose the top one and the hippototami will
dance. Afterwards, you will get the Chocolate Mog accessory.
Equip this on Dullard; it will restore a small amount of HP
with each step you take. Give the Power Ring to Johnny.
Go inside the Hippopotamus Stable and talk to Hippo Billy.
Dullard shows him the Imperial Badge, so Billy thinks you're
from the Empire (previously he thought Dullard was just a bum)
and offers to sell you a Hippopotamus Lure for the bargain
price of 3000 nudeln. Buy it. Then talk to Hippo Billy
again and purchase some greens.
Leave the Hippopotamus Stable and head east out of the
forest. You'll see some hippopotamus footprints on the ground.
Wander around there until you encounter a hippopotamus
(you'll know because the "Techno de Hippo" music starts
playing). Quickly feed it some greens, then kill off the
other enemies. You'll capture the hippo and can ride around
on it.
Ride your hippo north from Azul back to the Spam plant,
then turn east to the swamps. You couldn't cross the swamps
on foot, but the hippo can paddle through. Just be careful
of the object bobbing around in the swamps -- that's Rush
Limbaugh, and you don't want to fight him just yet.
At the other end of the swamps, dismount your hippo and
enter the trading town of NoName (yes, that's the town's
name). Everybody here is trading Beanie Babies, but as
you don't have any Beanie Babies, you can't participate.
You'll also run into Zitti the bard again, as well as a bald
guy who wants to be an RPG hero.
First, go to the item shop. For the first time, you
can buy Life Potions, so get some. Then go to the building
in the upper left corner, the Vegetables Dojo. Inside, talk
to Chop-Chop Master Potato (the big potato guy). He'll offer
to teach Johnny his "skillz" if he can beat his rap. Another
rapping game comes up, in which Johnny has to out-rap Chop Chop.
If you rap GOOD or COOL, Chop-Chop will teach Johnny how to
use Enemy Skillz. Johnny can now learn certain skillz from
enemies, plus you start with one skill: Funky Flow. If
you fail to rap GOOD or COOL, you can try again later.
Now go to the mansion at the north part of town. Go inside
and talk to the Rich Guy (or "Rith Guy", as Dullard calls
him). The Rich Guy talks about how he has so much money (from
Beanie Baby speculating) and runs the town, but as soon as he
sees that you're heroes, he realizes that you're going to end
up teaching him a lesson about greed, so he decides to save you
some work by just handing over the Pukey the Singing Squirrel
Beanie Baby.
You now have to trade beanie babies in the marketplace in
order to get the Sonic the Hedgehog Beanie Baby. You can try
to figure out how to do this on your own, or just follow the
directions here:

First, number the stalls like this:
1 2 3 4 5
6 7 9 10
11 12

4: Trade the Pukey for an Alhazad Beanie Baby.
6: Trade the Alhazad Beanie Baby for two P.J. Berris.
12: Trade one P.J. for a PaRappa and a Spekkio.
2: Trade the Spekkio for another PaRappa and a Cait Sith.
11: Trade both PaRappas for two PJs.
1: Trade all three PJs and the Cait Sith for Sonic.

Now go talk to the bald guy who wants to be an RPG hero.
Dullard will give him the Sonic the Hedgehod Beanie Baby and
the guy will put it on his head, thus giving him spiky hair and
making him an RPG Hero. The guy will then give you a Demonic
Beanie Baby.
Go to the altar east of town where the TV evangelists are
hanging out. Talk to the evangelists and they say they can
use their powers to bring Beanie Babies to life. If you have
the Demonic Beanie Baby, Dullard will hand it over (he won't
with another BB). The TV evangelists will bring the Demonic
Beanie Baby to life and it attacks you.
Dullard should cast Migraine Headache and use items to
heal, while Johnny uses his new Funky Flow skill to attack.
The Demonic Beanie Bay has a regular attack, Gaze
of Doom (kills one character, but doesn't work that often),
and Nose Blower, a spell that poisons both your characters.
Just ignore the poisoning and keep attacking. Nose Blower
is one of the enemy skillz as well, so (assuming the Beanie
Baby casts it at least once) Johnny will learn it after the
After defeating the Demonic Beanie Baby, it explodes and
leaves behind the Key to the Shipyard. At last, you can
get into the Imperial Shipyard! First, get healed up and
replenish your item supply, then go to the shipyard (it's
southwest of the ruins of Noodleheim).
Use the key to open the shipyard gates and enter. You
now have to find your way through a maze of warehouses to
the boarding dock. You'll find a Cap Gun for Johnny after
solving a crate-pushing puzzle. Once you get outside of
the warehouses, you'll call down your Gears and get inside.
Save your game by talking to the Save Dog, then just
wander around the dock, fighting enemies in your Gears to
build up GP. You'll want to learn Kool-Aid Impact's
Kool-Aid Rejuv and Alexandria's Trumpet. After you have
those abilities, head north towards the ship. You'll have
a boss encounter with two planes.
The "Sparky" plane uses a lightning attack on both of
you, while the "Gunner" plane has a weak gun attack that
only hits one member, as well as the ability to heal either
plane. First, have Alexandria use Trumpet to raise its
attack, then attack the Gunner with Kool-Aid Splash and
Alexandria's regular attacks. After you take out the
Gunner, attack Sparky. If Kool-Aid Impact needs healing,
use its own Kool-Aid Rejuv, and recharge its fuel with
Kool-Aid Charge (if you have it). The only way to heal
Alexandria is with any Spare Parts items you might have
picked up the warehouse, so it might get taken out during
this battle.
After you take out the planes, you will try to hijack
the Imperial ship. The ship will use its Super Ultra Mega
Hyper Cannon Gamma Turbo Champion Edition plus Alpha to
put both of your Gears out of commission, then you are
taken captive.
You wake up on board the ship. Johnny starts talking
about "those damn Imperials". Dullard asks Johnny why he
hates the Empire. Johnny explains that, back when the
Empire used to be a textile company, he bought a fleece
sweater from them that he didn't like, but the Empire
refused to let him return it, and so he formed the GRG to
overthrow them. Johnny says they've got to find their
Gears and escape the ship, but there's no way out of the
cell. Dullard says somebody will probably come to rescue
them because that always happens in games. Johnny starts
telling lame jokes to pass the time.
After a while, Dullard gets sick of Johnny's jokes and
punches him out. Then he breaks down the cell door by
hitting it with the unconscious Johnny. You are now supposed
to sneak out without being seen by a guard, but this is
impossible as there is a hallway that you have go through
that is only wide for enough for one person, and there is a
guard standing in the middle of it that doesn't move. Just
wait until Johnny wakes up, then talk to him. He tells you
to buy a GameShark. If you don't already have a GameShark,
go buy one, then use the code that's spraypainted on the wall
behind you. This will enable you to walk around without
the guards seeing you. Yes, this is the only way to get
past this part.
Explore the ship and pick up the Propeller Beanie in a
chest. It's weaker than the Copper Helmet, but raises your
speed. Equip it on somebody, then keep searching until
you find the room with your Gears (it's on the right side).
Dullard and Johnny jump in their Gears and break up onto the
ship surface.
Make your way towards the center of the ship, fighting
the enemies. When you get to the planes (the ship is an
aircraft carrier), Dullard and Johnny hop inside one of the
planes and take off. The Empire mobilizes the rest of the
planes to pursue them.
You now play a cool bonus game in which you have to shoot
at the Imperial planes attacking you. The easiest way to
do this is to move the cursor in a circle about a 1/3 of
the way away from the center, this will let you hit most of
the planes. After a minute or so, you'll automatically get
away, but Johnny will give you a reward depending on how
many planes you shot down:

0 - 5 planes: Nothing
6 - 9 planes: Life Potion
10 - 14 planes: Left Leg of Bomb
15 - 19 planes: 4000 nudeln
20+ planes: Moth Edge (weapon for Dullard)

After escaping the Imperial planes, you'll reach the
Central Continent. However, before you can make it to
Formaldehyde, your plane is shot down by the Sailor Moon
Militia, which has placed a death warrant on Johnny because one
of the jokes that he told on board the ship made fun of Sailor


Your plane crashes on the northern tip of the Central
Continent. Head southwest across the plains to Rocket Town.
Talk to the people in town to learn about the tragedy of the
Deep-6 rocket -- it was an attempt by the Empire to travel into
space, but it was not until after the rocket was built and about
to launch that it was realized that the Deep-6 had been built
upside-down and pointed directly into the ground, and the launch
had to be aborted. Everybody here talks about "The Captain",
the flatulent Cid Breakwind.
Go to Cid's house, in the upper-right corner of Rocket
Town, and talk to Cid. After ranting about the Empire for a
while (and emitting a lot of gas), Cid will ask you (even
though he thinks you're just a bum) if you want him to tune
up your Gears for 1000 nudeln. Do so; this allows your Gears
to learn more abilities. After Cid upgrades your Gears,
Dullard will ask him if he can repair their crashed Imperial
plane. Cid says he doesn't normally do plane repairs, but he
will if you find his lost horse, a tiny bronco. Cid thinks
it's wandered off into the woods somewhere.
Pop by the weapon shop and get Spiffy Armor and Helmets
for your characters. Hang onto the Propeller Beanie, though.
If you didn't get the Moth Edge sword from the plane sequence,
buy the Inorganics sword for Dullard as well. If you *did*
get the Moth Edge, use it instead -- it's less powerful than
the Inorganics, but it raises your agility, plus the Inorganics
lowers your defense when you have it equipped.
Load up on Mutilated Monkey Meat and Life Potions, buy
some Curds and Whey, then leave Rocket Town. You might want
to build up your levels here; when Dullard gets to level 14
he will learn the 401(k) Spell, and the Accountants From
Hell in this area use the Coin Toss enemy skill, which
Johnny can learn. Coin Toss does a lot of damage, but it uses
up some money every time you cast it.
Your next destination is Lost Woods #203, located directly
east of Rocket Town along the river. Read the tablet for a
riddle that holds the instructions to get through the woods...
So go three sceens up and then two left. BTW, watch out for
the Itsy Bitsy Spiders, they can paralyze you. If this happens,
cure it with Curds and Whey immediately -- if both characters
are paralyzed, you lose.
You come to another tablet. This is one is a little more
arcane; it reads "When the arch rises in the water and the
little people attack, and you start wondering 'Am I normal?',
remember who your real friends are." In fact, I have no clue
what this is supposed to mean; I guess it's giving you more
directions, but they sure don't make any sense. Anyway, just
go down one screen, right one, and then up two. You'll know
you're in the right place because there's a chest with a Fairy
Rutabaga in it. Continue through this screen to a clearing.
Before you do anything else, head over to the pond and
examine it. Dullard will note that "There'th thomething floating
in the pond." Examine the pond two more times and you will
get the Fish Spear. Neither Dullard nor Johnny can equip it,
but hang onto it. Then head up through the clearing until you
find Cid's tiny bronco wandering around. Try to talk to it
and it will keep running away. After a few times, Johnny
decides they need a different plan. He runs off and returns
with a horse costume and a horse mating whistle. Dullard and
Johnny get inside the horse costume.
It's mini-game time again. You have to press the Triangle
button to blow the whistle. This will make the tiny bronco
freeze for a moment. You then have to walk up to it, but don't
move too fast or you will scare the bronco away again. Once
you finally catch up to the bronco, hit X. Dullard will jump
out of the horse costume and grab the horse.
You'll automatically return to the entrance of the woods.
Heal up, then try to leave. One of the trees will start to move
and block your path. It's actually Al Gore! Gore will then
attack you, because, as he puts it, "you... can't... have... a...
dungeon... without... a... boss." Gore has a powerful Leaf
Storm attack that hits both of you, and he can also use Forest
Aura to heal himself. Luckily, he's incredibly slow. Attack
him Dullard's 401(k) Spell and Johnny's Funky Flow. If
you need healing, have Johnny use Mutilated Monkey Meat (or the
Fairy Rutabaga, if you're really desperate).
After you defeat Al Gore, he informs you that you "don't
recall" this event and shuffles off. Leave the forest and
return to Rocket Town. You will automatically take the tiny
bronco to Cid Breakwind. Cid thanks you for bringing him his
horse back. Dullard asks Cid if he'll repair their plane now.
Cid says that first they have to find him a satellite dish,
three bags of Teddy Grahams, a pair of infrared goggles, and
a spider figurine. Johnny gets really mad and says he refuses
to run any more "fetch quests". Cid relents and agrees to
help you after only one small task... to beat him in a
watermelon seed-spitting contest.
Yes, it's yet another bonus game. You and Cid each get
three spits. First, rotate the control pad as fast as possible
to spin the seed in your mouth. When the power meter comes up,
let it get as fill up as far as possible before hitting X (but
if it fills all the way up, you swallow the seed and get no
score on that attempt). After three spits each, whoever has
the longest spit wins. Should you fail to win, just back into
Cid's house and talk to him to try again. If you do manage to
win on the first try, Cid will give some Jumper Cables (revives
a dead Gear), and you'll get a Fairy Rutabaga if you win on the
second. After that, you get nothing.
Cid agrees to fix the plane for you. He joins the party
to come with you to the crashsite, after sending two of his
assistants, Wedge and Vicks, on ahead. Cid comes equipped with
a Pointy Stick, Spiffy Armor, a WW2 Flight Helmet, and a
cool Seeing-Eye Chimp accessory (prevents ambushes). Equip him
with the Fish Spear you found in the woods. You may also want
to give him the Propeller Beanie; it's not as strong as the
Flight Helmet, but it raises his speed. Cid also has the
useful but unusual (as well as foul-smelling) Flatulence spell,
which blows an enemy out of battle but gives you no reward for
killing it.
Before leaving Rocket Town, buy a bunch of Spare Parts at
the item shop. Then go back up north to where your plane
crashed. Wedge and Vicks are there, working on the plane.
They remark that something seems a little odd, a suspicion
confirmed when they are suddenly shot dead. The plane is
then hit with a grenade and explodes. The Greeks, the Empire's
elite peacekeeping force, enter -- your first of many meetings.
The Greeks consist of the Spice Girls and Elmer Fudd (the
leader). Elmer Fudd will remark "Be vewwwwy quiet... I'm
huntin' hewoes", then run off, leaving you to fight the Spice
Don't even try to win this fight; you can't. The Spice
Girls will unleash the dreaded Girl Power combo attack, knocking
all three of your characters down to single-digit HP. Suddenly,
a bright flash of light occurs and Dullard transforms into
a woodchuck. You then fight with just Dullard against the
Spice Girls. Just attack them a few times and they'll run
off. After the battle, Dullard returns to normal. Johnny
asks Dullard what happened, and Cid says he's heard of people,
those that are members of the Woodchuck Clan, that have the
ability to transform themselves into woodchucks. Dullard now
learns the Descension spell, which allows him to turn into a
woodchuck in battle by combining Woodchuck Genes. Cid suggests
returning to Rocket Town.
As soon as you enter Rocket Town, your three party
members will have a brief huddle. Cid says he's intrigued
by your party's mission, and he always wanted a chance to
get back at the Empire. He joins your party (not that he
ever left it). Cid says that the Empire is probably looking
for them and they should hit the road. He tells you to go
to the mountains in the back of Rocket Town. You will
automatically go up to the mountain ledge in the back of town.
Cid rolls aside a boulder and you step through a narrow
You're now in a deep canyon with a river running through
it. The cloaked guy standing next to you offers to sell
you a sword of pure gold for 10,000 nudeln. Don't buy it;
the Gold Sword may have a high attack power, but it breaks
after one use and is gone forever.
Go up to the robot duck floating in the water and
examine it. It's Cid's boat, El Pato. You hop on and
escape down the river. You'll notice some chests floating
underwater, you can pick these up with El Pato's magnet
(press X). However, the magnet takes a moment to charge
after you hit X, and it has to recharge after being used,
so you'll need good timing to pick up all the chests.
The most important one to get is the one with the Plunger
Gun for Johnny; it's about halfway through, just after
the big stone face carved into the canyon wall.
You'll have periodic battles against Generic Fish
Enemies and Card Sharks (playing cards in the shape of a
shark, they cast Go Fish on you). These are really
easy, however, because Cid's Fish Spear does extra damage
against fish and can kill most of them in one hit.
After a while, a brief FMV sequence will come up
showing some Imperial hovercraft chasing after you. You
now have to pilot El Pato around the debris in the water
to escape. Hitting the debris or the hovercrafts will
damage El Pato and reduce your life in the upcoming battle.
This lasts about a minute, then there's another quick FMV
clip in which an enemy Gear (that looks like an otter)
drops down from the sky in front of you.
Cid, after exclaiming "It's time to kick ass and eat
burritos, and I'm all out of burritos!", reveals that the
El Pato has attack capabilities as well. It stands upright
and flies out of the water to attack the Imperial Otter
Gear. You now fight a Gear battle with just Cid's El Pato.
Hopefully, you didn't take too much damage in the escape
-- if you did, use some Spare Parts. Otherwise, just
After two rounds, Dullard and Johnny will arrive in
their Gears. Now attack the Gear with Kool-Aid Splash
and Alexandria's and El Pato's regular attacks. Be sure
to have Alexandria use Trumpet on its first turn. If
you need healing, have El Pato use Spare Parts. Try to
rotate your refueling so that you're not all short on
fuel at the same time -- otherwise, if you get ripped, you
might not be able to heal.
Once you defeat the Gear, El Pato will arrive at the end
of the river, at Cosmo Mountain. Save your game at the Save
Dog here.

%%%LUCILLE'S RESCUE%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Head up the trail to the caves that make up the town of
Cosmo Mountain. First, pop by the inn to get healed. Then
go next door to the item shop. Here you can buy Fairy Turnips,
and Granola Bars (which restore MP). Buy some of each, but
don't spend too much money, because across town is the
Spiderlily Arms Shop. Here you can get Lapis Armor and
Cosmo Headdress (skip the Lapis Helmets, they're one point
stronger but don't raise your magic power as the headdresses
Go to the Temple of the Jello, the building at the top
of the town, and talk to the blue lion-like creature outside
(Chartreuse XXVI). He'll ask you if you're here to see Sage
Bubba. Say "yes". Chartreuse XXVI will lead you inside to
the temple sanctum where Sage Bubba is waiting. Dullard
announces that he is the Legendary Hero prophecied to
defeat the Spam (or "Thpam"), but Bubba doesn't believe
him because Dullard is dressed like a bum. Then some
Imperial troops show up and demand to know if Cid is
inside. Bubba tells the party to escape through the back
exit. Go through the door into the Caves Under Cosmo
Make your way through the dungeon. Your goal is to
reach B12; when you reach the the crystal-filled room on
B6, a squirrel starts following you. Just ignore it and
keep going. Don't miss the Yoshiyucky sword for Dullard
in a chest on B3. On B12, you'll fight another boss, the
Subterranen Firebreathing Albino Gorilla. Dullard should
use Descension to transform into a woodchuck, then attack.
When his MP runs out and he turns human again, just attack.
Johnny should use his Funky Flow spell, and Cid just hits.
When you need healing, have Cid use items.
After defeating the Gorilla, go through the passage it
was guarding to a statue of the Kool-Aid Guy. Examine it
and Dullard will get the Mutation Woodchuck Gene. The
party decides to spend the night in the safety of the
statue. The next morning, your HP is restored. Go north
to a ladder and ascend to the Avery Woods.
As soon as you enter here, there will be an FMV sequence
in which Imperial troops surround the forest. The party
decides to get in their Gears. This is the first place
where you can choose whether to fight in or out of your
Gears -- just press R2+L2 to get in/out. I recommend you
fight in the Gears -- although you don't gain experience,
you can earn GP to learn some of the more advanced Gear
Save your game at the nearby Save Dog, then head west
and you'll find a beehive. Examine it and you'll have to
fight against it. Watch out, it can do a Swarm attack that
does a lot of damage to your whole party. Have Dullard
just use Kool-Aid Healing to recover HP while Alexandria
and El Pato attack. After defeating the beehive, you'll
find the Beehive Gun, a very powerful weapon for Johnny
that paralyzes enemies. Equip it right away.
Go northeast to a bunch of mole holes. Get out of your
Gears and walk into the middle of the grid. Moles will pop
out of all of them, and you have to whack them all. This is
one of those obligatory puzzles where when you turn one object
on/off, all the ones next to it turn on/off as well. Number
the moles like this:
1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8
9 10
Then whack moles 8, 2, and 9. After you whack all the
moles, a ladder will appear. Descend it and you'll be in the
Mole Cave. The moles are all unfriendly and won't talk to you.
Just head to the big, nut-shaped, Hazelnut Shop. As soon as you
enter, the mole running the shop recognizes Mr. Squirrel, the
squirrel following you. He asks Mr. Squirrel if he's come to
buy a chocolate car. Mr. Squirrel says no, he still doesn't
have the money. He then asks your party if you'll buy him the
car. You have no choice but to fork over 10000 nudeln to buy
the car (of course, you got 14000 nudeln for killing the gorilla
at Cosmo Mountain). Mr. Squirrel thanks you, then you
automatically head outside and jump in the car. Mr. Squirrel
drives right through the wall and keeps going.
You arrive in Banana Town. Johnny leaves the party to
help Mr. Squirrel find a parking place, leaving just Dullard
and Cid to explore the large city. There's a weapon shop
where you can buy the Ginzu Knife for Dullard and the Pokey
Bit for Cid. (The armor is the same as in Cosmo Mountain). You
can also purchase Spare Parts at the item shop and all the
status-curing items at the item shop. Finally, there's an
accessory shop that sells accessories that prevent each of
the various status changes. If you want to, you can leave
town and go back to the world map, but there's nothing out
there you can go do except save your game. (You can visit the
Imperial Prison to the southwest, but you can't do anything
Your real goal is the house on the right side of town
with the giant potato sign outside. Go inside and you'll
find a bunch of potato people holding a party. All of them
just say "Do you know the Muffin Man?" when you talk to them,
except for Chop-Chop Master Potato. Chop-Chop will recognize
you and say "Do you know the Muffin Man, who lives on Dreary
Lane?" He then gives you a Social Life. Equip it on Dullard,
it's a helmet.
With the Social Life, you can get inside the Muffin Man's
manor at the far north end of town. Before you go, either buy
three Port-a-Potties (make you immune to diarrhea) at the
accessory shop, or stock up Pepto Bismol (cures diarrhea)
at the item shop. Then go to the Muffin Man's manor. Talk
to the guard and he won't let you in, even though you have a
Social Life. But when you go to leave the manor, you'll find
a ninja waiting on the road. Talk to him, he's Kain the Generic
Wandering Ninja. Kain offers to help you break into the manor
and joins your party. He's equipped with a Flyswatter, a
Coonskin Cap, and Ninja Gear. Give him a better helmet if you
have one in your inventory, and equip him with the third
Port-a-Potty if you bought them.
Go around the back of the mansion. Kain breaks a window
and you can enter. Inside, you'll fight Minor Minor Minor
Minor Demons, Elite Privates, and Evil Toilets. The first two
are pretty easy, but the Evil Toilets are a different story
entirely. They use the Diarrhea Song spell to give your
characters the "Diarrhea" status. This causes a counter to
appear over your character's head, if it reaches 0 they die.
If you have Port-a-Potties equipped, you're immune to diarrhea.
Head through the mansion. Along the way, you'll find a
Mithril Flyswatter for Kain, and some Wonderbread (cures any
status change). Eventually, you'll get to the top floor,
where you'll meet the Muffin Man. As soon as you walk into
his room, you start fighting him for no apparent reason.
Dullard should use Descension with both the Generic and
Mutation Genes, then attack (hopefully he will get a Third
Arm). Cid should just attack. Kain should use Steal on
the Muffin Man until you steal the Death Muffin from him,
then attack. Watch out for the Muffin Man's Hot Cross Buns
spell, it does fire damage to the whole party. He also has
a Cheap Shot attack that damages one character. Be sure
to stay healed up in case he casts Hot Cross Buns. If
somebody dies, just keep fighting with the people you have.
When you defeat the Muffin Man, he'll explode. Search
his desk for Keycard Theta. As soon as you'll get it, you'll
warp out of the manor. Dullard notes that the keycard appears
to allow entrance to a prison.
Get healed up and save, then leave town. Since you can
ride your Gears on the world map, this might be a good time
to learn some new abilities if you didn't do so in the Avery
Woods. When you're ready to continue, go to the Imperial
Prison, southwest from Banana Town. Use the keycard to open
the door. Just as walk you through, Johnny runs up, having
found a parking place for Mr. Squirrel's car. He says that he
thinks Lucille's being held at the prison. After some
dialogue, the party decides to split up, with Dullard and
Kain sneaking in to rescue Lucille, while Johnny and Cid
create a diversion. Cid will then give Dullard the PMS Phone,
which you can use to switch between the two groups.
You'll begin in control of Dullard's group. Enter the
prison and head through the corridor. You'll see a guard
blocking a door, just skip him and continue until you get to a
switch. Press it, then go to the menu screen and choose "PMS"
to switch to Cid and Johnny's team.
Cid and Johnny are inside their Gears, outside the prison
wall. Follow the outside of the prison until you come to a
door that was opened by Dullard pressing the switch. Go
through the door and head north to a chest with a Ginzu Knife
(if you already bought one, don't bother). Then go south
and ascend the fire escape. When you reach the roof of the
prison, you'll have another encounter the Greeks
peacekeeping force -- this time, you just have to fight Posh
Spice and Sporty Spice. Attack with Alexandria's Peanut
Cannon and El Pato's regular attacks. Have Cid use Spare
Parts to heal when necessary (especially after Posh Spice's
Neo Greek Light Ray attack). Concentrate on attacking
one of the Greeks, because after you do enough damage to
one, they will both run away.
After the battle, an alarm starts to sound. Switch
back to Dullard and return to where the guarded door --
the guard is now gone. Go through and head left to get
to the supply room. Search the shelves in the upper-right
to get the Caraway Seeds. Then wander around until you
encounter an Imperial Lieutenant. Have Kain steal from him
to get his clothes.
You now control just Kain. Go right and go up the
stairs -- the guards will let you by because you have the
uniform on. Look at the hole in the corner of the room
and Kain will drop the Caraway Seeds down. You'll then
automatically go back to the supply room and rejoin Dullard.
Leave the supply room and head right past the stairs.
Go through the door at the end of the hall. An optical
scan will be initiated and you'll spring a trap, dropping
you into B2. As soon as you land, you'll be attacked by
a Street Sweeper.
Do *not* use Descension -- save your MP. Just have
both Dullard and Kain use regular attacks on the Street
Sweeper, and maybe use the 401(k) Spell once or twice.
The Sweeper can vaccuum up a character and start draining
its life, just attack the Sweeper to free it. It
doesn't have a lot of HP, so you shouldn't have any
trouble. After defeating up, take the stairs to your
left to go up to B1. If you forgot to drop the Caraway
Seeds through the hole, go up more stairs to 1F (you end
up in the optical scan room) to do so.
Head right on B1 and go through the door. Head up
and open the chest for the Partial Metal Staff. Just
hang on it, then go back to the stairs and descend to
B2 again. Go right, past the prison entrance (it's
guarded), into the power room. Look for the big red
button marked "BIG RED BUTTON". Press it to turn off
the forcefield on the roof.
Switch back to Johnny's team. Head to the center of the
roof, where you'll find some stairs. Get out of your Gears
and descend the stairs. Go down and left and descend the
stairs there to the first floor. Head left and pick up
the shiny object on the ground -- it's the Caraway Seeds.
Then go back up to the second floor and head right to reach
the employee lounge. Put the Caraway Seeds in the coffee
maker, then use PMS to switch back to Dullard and Kain.
Head west back to the prison entrance. When you
arrive, Kain will say someone's coming and you hide. A
soldier comes by and gives the prison guard some coffee.
When the prison guard drinks it, he starts coughing and
passes out. Go through the door he was guarding into the
prison. When you enter, Dullard will automatically go
to the cell Lucille is in and rescue her. Kain says that
this is good, now he can get on with his next job. Dullard
asks him what that is, and Kain announces that it's to
kill Dullard! Suddenly, Chartreuse XXVI runs in and
says that Kain must not harm the Ancient. The status screen
comes up, allowing you to equip Lucille with the Partial
Metal Staff. Chartreuse is already fully equipped, so
just close the screen.
Kain inexplicably gains a number of spells that he
didn't have before, including Katon (fire damage to the
party) and Raijin (lightning). Have Dullard use Descension
with the Generic and Mutant genes, then attack. Lucille
has a whole lot of new spells; have her use Freeze.
Chartreuse should use Heal and/or Big Heal to heal, or
attack if everyone's healthy. After you do enough
damage to Kain, he'll try to run away. Dullard says
"I don't think tho!", then transforms into a Pyrochuck.
He blasts Kain with a huge blast of fire, knocking him
out, and then you get the Flame Gene.
The game cuts to Johnny and Cid in the lounge. Lucille
and Chartreuse XXVI run in. Johnny asks what happened
to Dullard. Lucille says not to worry, but that they've
got to find a way out. Then a really cool FMV scene
comes up in which the four climb on a riding lawnmower
and smash through the prison wall. Dullard comes flying
out a window on a tricycle, and then the PMS screen comes
up, allowing you to make a party (you cannot choose
Lucille as she does not have a Gear). I recommend
using Dullard, Johnny, and Chartreuse.
You now get to the play the tricycle chase game! You
have to move Dullard around on his tricycle, attacking
the Imperial tricycle troops, while protecting the
lawnmower. After you play this game for a while, an
Imperial air force squadron will swoop down. Your
chosen party gets in their Gears and flies up to fight
First, you just fight some planes. Just use regular
attacks to conserve fuel. After two rounds of planes, the
Big Kahuna ship comes. Kool-Aid Impact should use Kool-Aid
Splash, and use Kool-Aid Healing. Make sure to keep it
with plenty of fuel, so you can be ready toheal when the
Big Kahuna uses its Big Kahuna Beam. The Alexandria should
use Trumpet, then attack with Peanut Cannon or regular
attacks. Chartreuse's gear, the Neunzehn, should use
Toe Hunter or regular attacks. Luckily, the Big Kahuna
doesn't have a lot of HP, and you shouldn't have any
trouble beating it.
On the ground, a Formaldehydian attack squad arrives
and starts firing bazookas at the planes, driving them
off. Your Gears land, and Dullard greets the leader of
the troops, Poppin Fresh (the Pillsbury Doughboy).
Poppin Fresh recognizes Johnny and figures the party
must be the Generic Resistance Group. He says they're
members of a special Formaldehyde Army squad known as
LANDSLIDE, and invites the party to come with them to
their camp.

%%%THE QUEST FOR TIM%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You are now in Poppin Fresh's tent at the LANDSLIDE
camp. Poppin Fresh, for no good reason, tells to talk to
as many soldiers as you can in three minutes, then come
back to the tent for a meeting. A timer appears.
Quickly search the top corner of the table. You'll
find a note, and you can choose to leave it there or throw
it away. Throw it away. Now run out of the tent and hurry
around the camp, talking to soldiers. You'll also find Zitti
sitting on a rock at the edge of camp, don't talk to her
or she starts singing a song and eats up a lot of your time
and she doesn't even count as a soldier.

A breakdown of where to find the soldiers:
12 walking around outside
3 in the armory
1 in the middle Port-a-Potty
2 in the sick bay
2 in the other tent

After the three minutes are up, or you walk back into
Poppin Fresh's tent, the sequence ends. The meeting
automatically begins and Poppin Fresh enters. If you threw
the note away, Poppin Fresh will start looking for it.
One of the soldiers says that it's in the garbage can.
Poppin Fresh tries to take it out but gets his head stuck
in the garbage can. One of the soldiers manages to pull
it off, but by that time PF has passed out because he couldn't
breathe with the can on his head. You then have to give
him CPR by randomly slapping the buttons for twenty minutes.
Don't worry, you can't lose. After you wake up PF, he
gives you an Amulet of Jig as a reward. It raises your max
MP a *lot*; give it to Lucille.
The meeting then begins. Poppin Fresh says the team
is here to pick up a special weapon developed by a secret
Formaldehydian weapons lab disguised as a microbrewery.
This weapon might (or might not) turn the tide of the war
against the Nameless Empire. He assigns your party to pick
up the weapon from the lab, and gives you some player
piano music. The rest of LANDSLIDE leaves, then Poppin Fresh
talks to you. He'll say the mechanics have tuned up your
Gears (giving them new abilities they can learn), then give
you an item based on how many soldiers you talked to:

0 - 5: Jack Squat (gun)
6 - 11: Granola Bar (item)
12 - 18: Cartilege Sword (sword)
19 - 23: Chocolate Mog (accessory)
24: Fly Running (accessory, raises speed)

Before leaving the camp, go to the armory. Here you can
buy Cartilege equipment for all your characters. Skip the
Pellet Gun for Johnny; the Beehive Gun is better as it
paralyzes enemies. Same with the Thick Fur for Chartreuse
-- you'll be getting better armor for him soon.
Leave the LANDSLIDE camp, but don't go to the lab just
yet. First, you can return to Banana Town and go back into
the Muffin Man's Manor to have Johnny learn Diarrhea Song
from the Evil Toilets. Then head southwest from the camp
to the Ballbeezy Cave. Enter -- I recommend using Dullard
(you have to!), Johnny, and Chartreuse XXVI. To switch
characters, just use the PMS option on the menu.
This cave is pretty straightforward; just head down
to B3, making sure to grab the Needly Fur for Chartreuse
on B2. On B3, you'll reach a small circular room with a
door at the far end. Heal up, then go through. You'll
encounter the Ballbeezy Ball, a giant marshmallow with a
flashlight sticking out of it. (huh?)
The easy way to win this battle is just to have Dullard
cast his Poor Lifestyle Choice instant death spell, which
will kill the Ballbeezy Ball every time. DON'T. Instead,
just have Dullard and Johnny defend, while Chartreuse uses
Heal Us, Al! after every Marshmallow Meteor. Eventually,
the Ballbeezy Ball will cast Get Cloud! This spell causes
Cloud Strife to appear, and all your characters run away
chasing him, putting you back outside the Ballbeezy Ball's
room. The good part is that Get Cloud! is added to your
enemy skillz. It's really useful; it only costs 8 MP and
makes most enemies run away (chasing Cloud).
Now go back in and use Poor Lifestyle Choice to kill
the Ballbeezy Ball. After defeating it, walk forward and
you'll find a big crystal of Jello. Put Dullard in the
lead and examine it. You'll get a message that "Dullard
hears the voice of The Warren sealed in the jello...",
then you get the Bone gene.
Leave the cave. Replenish your item supply back at
the LANDSLIDE camp and buy any equipment you couldn't
afford before, then go to Don't Push That Button You Fool,
the microbrewery northeast of the camp. Go inside and
open the chest on the left side for a Granola Bar. Now
put the player piano music Poppin Fresh gave you in the
player piano. This will turn the piano into an elevator
that takes you up into the laboratory.
In the lab, you'll run into Wedge and Vicks, who have
been reincarnated as scientists. They reveal that the
secret weapon is Tim the Talking Warhead. Suddenly, a
band of weasels, led by Yassir Ferret, burst in through the
window, shoot Wedge and Vicks, grab Tim the Talking
Warhead from a cannon, and run off, with Tim screaming
for help. A dying Vicks tells you to hurry and tell
Poppin Fresh, then gives you a Wooden Mallet. Leave
Don't Push That Button You Fool.
With the Wooden Mallet, you can now go mole-whacking.
There are two mole-whacking spots available; one near
the Imperial Prison and another east of the LANDSLIDE
camp. At this point, the moles you can whack don't do
a whole lot when eaten, but some of the ones later on
are quite useful. You should go mole-whacking at least
once to hear the announcer, who apparently does not
understand the concept of "consonants". (Ge'redaa'!
Return to the LANDSLIDE camp and talk to Poppin
Fresh. PF has already heard the news. He says that Yassir
Ferret is an agent of the Empire, and that he lives in
Castle Weaselstein to the east. Poppin then announces
that he's hired a mercenary to help retrieve Tim... it's
Kain! Kain explains to Dullard that he was only trying
to kill him because that was the job the Empire was
paying for him; he doesn't take sides. Kain says that as
long as Formaldehyde is paying him, he won't betray
them. He also introduces you to his dog, who fights
alongside him (original, no?).
You'll be forced to make a party with Kain in it. Put
Chartreuse in for his healing magic. Buy a Mithril
Swatter for Kain if he doesn't already have one, then
go east to Castle Weaselstein.
Castle Weaselstein is a pretty generic dungeon;
and the enemies are fairly non-descript as well. Kain
can, however, steal Weasel Nightcaps from the Weasel
Elite. These are really good helmets, so have him
steal enough for the whole party.
The only real sticking point in this dungeon is
the aptly-named Room Everybody Hates. When you enter this
room, you will start falling down a big pit while
weasels shoot at you with Nerf bazookas, taking away 1 HP
each shot. You have to quickly spell out a sentence
(remember, you're losing HP every time the weasels shoot
you) at the bottom of the screen, by using up and down to
select letters. The correct sentence is THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME, but there are other codes you can use first:

I WANT A NERF BAZOOKA TOO! gives you a Nerf Bazooka, a
really strong weapon for Johnny.

AGH. EVEN MORE DOBERMANS. gives you the Doberman Tragic
claw for Chartreuse.

I HATE BUGS KILL THEM ALL gives you the Sticky Flyswatter
for Kain.

BEEGEES BEEGEES BEEGEES (get the spaces right!) gives
you the Saturday Night Fever accessory. If a character is
equipped with when they die, they will "Stay alive" with
full HP, but the accessory breaks.

Then quickly spell out the correct sentence
to get the heck out of the room before the weasels kill
After spelling out THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, you will
appear on the roof of Castle Weaselstein, where Yassir
Ferret is transferring Tim the Talking Warhead to the
Flying Hangglider Clown Assault Corps. Seeing you, he
summons three Charles Schwab Clones and attacks.
Dullard should use the Bone and Flame Genes to
transform, making him immune to Spam damage (like Yassir's
Ferret Breath). Have him attack with Firebreathing
until he runs out of MP. Chartreuse should (between
heals) use Cheese Skin on each party member to raise
their defense, then cast Power Pill on Kain to boost
Kain's attack. Kain should just attack. Take out the
Charles Schwab Clones one at a time (watch out for their
Junk Bond attack; it paralyzes you). After defeating
all the Clones, attack Yassir. Yassir doesn't have a
lot of HP; if you can beat the Charles Schwab Clones,
you're okay.
After defeating Yassir Ferret, he will say that it's
too late; the Flying Hangglider Clown Assault Corps has
already aimed Tim at Formaldehyde. You will have to
make a new party without Kain (or Lucille, she still
doesn't have a Gear); put in Johnny. You then jump in
your Gears and fly after the Clown Assault Corps, leaving
Kain behind. Yassir Ferret jumps in his own Gear, which
looks like a giant mechanical teepee, to chase you.
You fight a series of battles against Clown Gliders;
try to conserve fuel during these. After three pairs
of Clown Gliders, you reach the glider carrying Tim the
Talking Warhead. This is a cool battle; the idea is to
stall the launch of Tim until the glider is out of range.
Every turn, the glider will count up 1, starting at 0.
If it reaches 5, Tim is launched, Formaldehyde is blown
up, and you lose. Doing damage to the glider will make
the counter go down. The only problem is that you are
in your Gears, and Gears require Fuel. You need to
alternate refueling so that somebody is always attacking
the Glider while the other one or two are refueling.
After you hold off the glider for a couple minutes,
Zitti the bard flies on the screen in her own hangglider.
She announces she's going to stop the launch, flies
alongside the carrier glider, and presses a big red
button that is actually the emergency launch button.
Tim the Talking Warhead is launched at Formaldehyde,
prompting Dullard to shout, "You thpoony bard!"
Tim, howver, declares "Screw you weasels, I don't
want to blow up Formaldehyde!" and joins you to fight
Yassir Ferret's gear. Dullard and the character in your
third slot then climb up on top of their Gears to fight
with Tim against Yassir's gear. This battle is really easy
to win; just have Tim attack. He will blow up and destroy
the enemy Gear in one hit.
After the battle, Dullard automatically uses a
Life Potion on Tim to bring him back. Tim thanks
Dullard and joins the party. He's kinda like Umaro
in FF6; he can't equip weapons or armor, just accessories.
During battle, he can only attack. Attacking causes
Tim to blow up, doing massive damage, but also killing
Tim. Thus, you have to revive him in order to use him
again. Although he does extreme damage when he attacks,
the fact that you have to be constantly reviving him makes
him only moderately useful.

%%%BEATH OF FLAMS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

After you defeat Yassir Ferret, the game will cut to a
cut scene in the Nameless Imperial Palace. The Nameless
Emperor is talking with his four generals: General Leer,
Archmage Soho, Elmer Fudd (leader of the Greeks), and Bozo
the Clown, the Nameless Emperor's right hand man. Leer

***The longest-lived animal is the thick-shelled clam***

reports that Yassir Ferret has failed in his mission to blow
up Formaldehyde, and the Nameless Emperor laments that he
should never have sent a ferret to do a weasel's job.
Bozo suggests poisoning Formaldehyde's water, but Leer doesn't
water to. The Nameless Emperor sends Elmer Fudd and the
Greeks after Dullard's party.
You then cut back to the LANDSLIDE Camp. Poppin Fresh
says that LANDSLIDE still has business to attend to, and asks
Dullard and the party to take Tim to Formaldehyde. He
tells you that a ship will be waiting for the party in
the port town of Timbuktu, to the southeast.
Leave the LANDSLIDE camp and go east to the Mountain
Pass. Enter; you can use your Gears here, if you want to.
Head north and east up the mountain. There's some Fiber
Armor in a chest along the way, and a Granola Bar. Eventually,
you'll reach a hole in the ground. Get out of your gears
and jump in. You'll land in a cave, on top of Elmer Fudd.
Elmer Fudd exclaims "You wascawwy Duwwawd!" and sends
Scary Spice after you while the rest of the Greeks escape.
Dullard should use Descension with the Bone Gene to
turn into an Osteochuck, which is immune to Scary Spice's
Scare attack (causes paralysis). The other characters
should just attack, or in Lucille's cast use magic. If
you get paralyzed, use Curds and Whey or Wonderbread to
cure. After you do enough (not a lot) damage to Scary
Spice, she'll run away. You'll receive the Fairy Finger
staff for Lucille if you won the battle within five
Head east and up the stairs. Exit the cave and
you'll be back on the mountain. Go right to an excavation
site. The scientists here have excavated an ancient
Gear shaped like a goat, which they have termed a LEG
(Laser Emitting Goat), but they can't get it to run.
If Lucille is not in your party, she will now enter,
acting strangely. If she is, she'll just start acting
strangely. She climbs in the LEG, which starts running,
and flies off.
After seeing that Lucille is not coming back, the
party decides to continue. Just head south and east to
exit the mountain pass and you'll be back on the world
map. Go southeast along the shore to Timbuktu.
In Timbuktu, upgrade your equipment to Fiber gear,
but don't bother buying any stuff for Lucille (since she's
not in the party right now... again). Also buy some
Power-Ade at the item shop; you'll need it. Then go to the
dock and talk to the people there. You learn that Captain
Crunch has given up his seafaring days to help raise money
for an orphanage. So go to the orphanage (it's on the
west side of town).
When you walk into the orphanage, a leprechaun named
Ooga Booga rushes onto the screen and says "Stop ackin' like
a bluh'y Irushmen!" He then runs away. Ignore him and
go upstairs to talk to Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch
confirms that he's quit sailing to help the three orphans,
named Orphan #1, Orphan #2, and Orphan #3. Then Ooga Booga
comes in again and says "Stop ackin' like a bluh'y Irushmen!"
before running away.
Go downstairs and talk to the three Orphans. Orphan
#3 tells you that he's lost his pants. At this point, Ooga
Booga runs in and says "Stop ackin' like a bluh'y Irushmen!"
Now go outside look in the alley to the west. You'll find
a guy named J.M. hanging from a clothesline. He's stuck.
So go to the dock and ask Captain Crunch's assistant for a
ladder. Take it to J.M. and he'll climb down and thank
you. The leprechaun pops out of a manhole and says "Stop
ackin' like a bluh'y Irushmen!" After J.M. leaves, go up
the ladder and take the pants. Go inside and give them to
Orphan #3. Orphan #3 thanks you and revelas that he isn't
really an orphan at all, but he was pretending to be one
because he didn't want to use his real name as he had lost
his pants. He reveals that he's actually Wedge, Orphan #2
is Vicks, and Orphan #1 is Piette. Captain Crunch then
comes down and says that if Wedge and co. aren't orphans,
then they can begin sailing again. He agrees to give the
party a ride to Formaldehyde and asks you to spent the
night at the inn.
During the night, The Guy Who Always Cuts Off Your
Limbs will come into your room. He tries to cut off
Dullard's left hand, but Dullard wakes up. You then have
to fight him with just Dullard. *Don't* use Descension,
just attack with 401(k) Spell until you run of MP, then
use regular attacks. Use items to heal. Whenever The Guy
Who Always Cuts Off Your Limbs (Limb-Guy for short) casts
Loss of Limb on you, use a Power-Ade to boost your attack
power again. He has about 1200 HP; so this will be a long
battle. After you do enough damage to Limb-Guy, he will
run off, leaving behind a Gold Sword. Yippee.
The following day, go to the dock and talk to Wedge
and Vicks. They say that Captain Crunch has asked them to
take you to Formaldehyde, while Captain Crunch repairs
his main ship, the Sour Candy. Suddenly, Ooga Booga jumps
out of the water and shouts "Stop ackin' like a bluh'y
Irushmen!" He then runs away. Wedge leads you to the
SS Endoplasmic Reticulum, and you set sail.
While sailing, the ship is attacking by the Loveiathan,
aka Barney the dinosaur. Loveiathan smashes the ship
with his Tail o' Love, and, like all good RPG ships, it
You wake up on an island beach. Your party is all
okay, but Wedge and Vicks are dead. Search the wreckage
for the Trident for Cid, then go east. You'll come to a
small cabin. Inside, you'll meet up with another than
Sage Bubba! The following conversation is an important
one, so I've transcribed it entirely:

DULLARD: Thage Bubba?
CID: [emits gas]
SAGE BUBBA: Hooo ho ho! Welcome to the Beach of Flams!
DULLARD: Beath of Flams?
SAGE BUBBA: You've heard about the Flams, haven't you?
CID: Hell no. Who the #$(%* are the Flams?
SAGE BUBBA: The Flams are an ancient race of people, aligned
with the forces of Jello. They fought against the Spam in
the Ye Olde War, 1,000 years ago. And they hold the key
to defeating the Jello.
CHARTREUSE XXVI: Which is why we must protect her.
JOHNNY: Wha' the dilly yo? Protect who? WHAT ABOUT MARLENE?
DULLARD: Wrong game, Johnny.
JOHNNY: Sorry, my bad.
CID: [emits gas]
SAGE BUBBA: Where were we?
TIM: The Flams. Protecting somebody.
SAGE BUBBA: Oh, yes. Hooo ho ho! That is why we must protect
the last of the Ancient Ones at all costs. The fate of the
world is in her hands! Dum dum dum!
OOGA BOOGA: Stop ackin' like a bluh'y Irushmen!
DULLARD: And who ith thith latht Flam?
SAGE BUBBA: You didn't know? It's your friend. Lucille.
DULLARD: Luthille???
JOHNNY: Jes' a moment here. You say Lucille's da only one
who can defeat tha' Spam fellas?
SAGE BUBBA: That's right.
DULLARD (to Chartreuse): So that's why you came to help us.
OOGA BOOGA: I said stop ackin' like a bluh'y Irushmen!
CID: [emits gas]
TIM: So where is Lucille now? She got into the LEG and flew
SAGE BUBBA: Yes. The LEGs are ancient Gears created by the
Flams to fight against the Jello. Only those who can
properly synchronize with the LEGs can pilot them. It
has carried to where she must go. Hooo ho ho!
TIM: You didn't answer the question.
JOHNNY: Yeah, answa' the question, foo'!
SAGE BUBBA: She's at the Escher Temple. A holy temple of the
DULLARD: And where'th the Ethcher Temple?
SAGE BUBBA: Hooo ho ho! It's on this beach, just a ways up
from my cabin.
CHARTRUESE XXVI: We'd better go there right away, Dullard.
The Empire's probably after Lucille too.

You can now stay in Sage Bubba's cabin and save your game.
After doing so, leave the cabin. You'll be on the world map.
Just walk across the tiny island to the Escher Temple.
Cross the bridge and enter the temple. Inside, you'll
run into one of the Greeks, Ginger Spice. She says that she's
turned against the Empire and quit the Greeks. She gives you
the Keytoad to open the door -- it's a giant topiary toad.
Put the Keytoad on the altar in the back of the room and a
beam of light will appear. Step in it.
You'll warp onto the side of the temple. If you walk
up the stairs, you'll find yourself just going in a circle
around the temple (despite the fact that you keep going
up stairs). The same thing happens if you walk down the
stairs. So walk sideways, right off the temple. You'll
fall down and land in the sand. Ooga Booga comes in and
says "Stop ackin' like a bluh'y Irushmen!" At this point,
Dullard gets so sick of Ooga Booga saying that he attacks
Dullard should use Descension with the Flame and
Mutation genes, then attack Ooga Booga with Firebreathing.
Chartreuse XXVI should heal, and Johnny or Cid should
attack (or have Johnny use his Enemy Skillz). Don't use
Tim in this battle. After you defeat Ooga Booga, you
will receive the Keydog, a topiary dog. Go back to Sage
Bubba's cabin to heal, then return to the temple.
Inside the temple, take the Keytoad off the altar
and put the Keydog on. A different beam of light will
appear. Step in this one and you'll appear in another
room inside the Escher Temple. In here, you'll find
a talking treasure chest that wants you to collect pieces
of Carl and won't let you pass until you get 20 pieces
of Carl.
Use the warp near you to teleport around the Escher
Temple, and open the various chests for pieces of Carl.
Most rooms have one piece, some rooms have two. Just
keep teleporting around the various rooms and opening all
the chests. Two of the rooms also have puzzles you can
solve for additional items:

- In one of the rooms, you'll find four stones shaped like
the moon, a star, the sun, and a water drop; a floor
plate; a sealed door; and a sign that says "The moon
rises over the star, but under the sun. The sun rises
over the water, but under the star. The water rises
over the moon, but under the sun." The solution to this
puzzle is to throw the stones at the door until it breaks
down. Go through and collect the Bamboo Mallet, a better
mole-whacking mallet.

- In another room, you'll find a talking statue that asks if
you weigh more than five pounds. Say no and it will teleport
you into a room labeled "Express Lane". Walk down the long hall
for about ten minutes and you'll get to a chest with the Goblin
Claw for Chartreuse. Then go back the other way (another 20
minutes of walking) to find the teleporter back into
the main area.

After collecting 30 pieces of Carl, teleport back
to the room with the chest and give it the Carl pieces.
If you gave it at least 20, it will disappear and turn
into a save point. If you gave it 30 or more, it will
give you a Carl Sword in addition. KEEP THE SWORD; you
will need it later on. Save your game on the save point
and change your party to Dullard, Chartreuse, and Tim.
Then go north into the next room. You'll find the Feral
Cow guarding the door.
The Feral Cow can only be attacked when it is chewing
its cud; otherwise it will retaliate with Moo From Beyond,
which will paralyze your whole party for two or three
rounds. Normally, this would be a pretty tough boss as it
takes forever to kill. With Tim, however, you can take it
out in just three of his blasts. Have Chartreuse revive
Tim after he attacks, then wait for the Feral Cow to chew
its cud again before you attack again.
After you defeat the Feral Cow, save again, then go
through the door the Feral Cow was guarding. You're now
on a bridge leading to a floating temple. Cross the bridge
(there's no fights) to the temple.
At the temple, you see Lucille praying on the altar.
Suddenly, Bozo the Clown (the Emperor's right-hand man)
leaps down from the sky, and, to your horror, runs Lucille
through with his sword... only to have Lucille pop and
deflate -- it was an inflatable decoy! The real Lucille
steps out from behind a pillar and clubs Bozo unconscious
with her staff.
After the FMV sequence ends, do *not* talk to Lucille.
Instead, go take the Jello-sealed gene, the Eldredge Gene,
on the altar. The Eldredge Gene allows Dullard to ice
skate in his woodchuck form. Then talk to Lucille. She
apologizes for jetting off in the LEG and rejoins your
party. You automatically start to leave, but Archmage
Soho arrives in a helicopter, taunts you, and then summons
a massive Chia Golem. The LEG flies up from the ground,
and Lucille jumps in. Dullard and Lucille then fight a
Gear battle against the Chia Golem.
Kool-Aid Impact should attack with Kool-Aid Lance (if
you have it; if not, use Kool-Aid Splash). The LEG has
no abilities yet, so have it use items to heal both
Gears. The Chia Golem spends a lot of its time growing
hair, which increases its attack power. It can really
rip you when it does attack, so always be ready to heal
(i.e., don't use all your fuel). After defeating the
Chia Golem, you'll receive some Chia Gum, an accessory
that raises your attack power. The Escher Temple starts
to explode, and your Gears jet back to the beach.


Back at the beach, you will find a ship awaiting you.
Captain Crunch gets off and says he's glad he found you.
He welcomes you on board, where Piette and Zitti the bard
are as well -- Crunch explains that he has hired Zitti to
replace the late Wedge and Vicks. He asks you where you
want to go, and Dullard says "I thtill want to go to
Formaldehyde." Suddenly, Zitti gets all nervous, and says
that the water are rough around there, and that Dullard
doesn't want to go there. Tim, however, threatens to
explode if Crunch's crew doesn't take them there, so
Crunch agrees.
You will rest for free while the Sour Candy sails to
Formaldehyde. Then you are automatically booted off the
ship and sent into the massive city of Formaldehyde... it's
so big, it has four shops! One of them, however, you can't
get in because Dullard looks like a bum, and another just
sells the "Crappy" equipment that was for sale in the Crappy
Mining Town. The other two, however, stock useful items (just
don't buy the Dreihander sword; it requires three hands to use,
which means you can't equip it). The gear you want to buy:

DULLARD: Really Big Sword, Some Armor
LUCILLE: Leather Cloth, Titanium Yarmulke
JOHNNY: Super Soaker, Some Armor
CID: Some Armor, Titanium Yarmulke
CHARTREUSE: Coarse Fur, Titanium Yarmulke

You'll also notice bows for sale; yes, you'll be getting
a bow-using character soon. Skip the Lead equipment; it's
powerful, but halves your speed. Don't forget to stock up
on items as well (items are more important than equipment,
so forego some equipment if you need the dough for items).
By talking to people in the town, you'll hear the latest
news on the war between the Empire and Formaldehyde, and
that the King hasn't been acting like himself lately. Then
go to the Castle. There's more people to talk to here, plus
some chests with a Fairy Rutabaga, 1000 nudeln, and a
Repair Kit (better Gear healing item). Also, in the castle,
you'll meet the King and the Chancellor. The Chancellor
confirms your suspicions that the King is a fake (well, duh),
but nobody will listen to him, because everybody assumes he's
up to no good (as chancellors are prone to do).
Now, a lot of people get stuck here, because it's not
very clear what you're supposed to do. What you need to
do is put Tim in the lead of your party and talk to the
King (remember, you were supposed to deliver Tim back to
Formaldehyde). Dullard explains that Poppin Fresh asked
him to take Tim back to Formaldehyde. The King doesn't
believe Dullard and he thinks he stole Tim, so he confiscates
Tim and has Dullard's party hauled off to the dungeon.
Luckily for you, Tim escapes from the King, flies
down to the dungeon, and explodes, blowing up your cell
door. After you (automatically) revive Tim, he rejoins.
Walk out of the dungeon and you'll run into the Chancellor.
He tells you that you have to unmask the false King, and
that the only way you can do that is with the Mirror of
Truth (TM), which is located in The Volcano, southwest of
Leave the castle and go to The Volcano. It's pretty
far away, so you might want to buy some hippo feed at the
Formaldehyde item shop and use it to catch a hippopotamus
to read on (there's no fights while riding a hippo).
I recommend brining Johnny; most of the enemies here are
weak against fire and Johnny's Super Soaker gun does
water damage.
Inside The Volcano, you'll find a lot of lava flows.
Don't step in these, or you'll take damage. Circle your
way around down into the volcano, and explore all the
caves. One of them has a chest with the Malice Band-aid,
an accessory which raises your defense. Also be sure
to get the Shower Curtain, an item which can be used to
cast Reflect once. Don't use it, hang on to it.
Eventually, you'll reach the bottom of the volcano. When
you try to cross the path, Zitti comes running down it,
screaming to run. Dullard asks her "What'th wrong?", to which
Zitti replies that the volcano is haunted. One of your
characters asks Zitti what she's doing here anyway. Zitti says
that's none of your business, and would you please go get rid
of the ghost. Zitti is blocking the passage, so you're forced
to go north. Doing so takes you into a crypt, where you
encounter the ghost of Luciano Pavarotti. He immediately
You can attack Pavarotti as much as you want with
normal attacks, but none of them will do any damage.
Just have Dullard transform into a Pyrochuck and use
Firebreath on Pavarotti. Pavarotti will be shocked
that Dullard is a member of The Warren, and he (Pavarotti)
will turn into a woodchuck. Now you can hurt him.
Use Dullard's Firebreathing and Johnny's regular
attack. The other character (hopefully not Tim)
should take care of the healing. Pavarotti can use
Diarrhea Song, so equip Port-a-Potties (if you didn't
learn Diarrhea Song earlier, you can get it now).
He also has an attack called Stop Pants, which drains
your MP to him (why it's called Stop Pants I have no
idea). This one of the enemy skillz; Johnny can learn
it if he's along.
After you do enough damage to Pavarotti, he tell
Dullard to seek the truth about why The Warren was
destroyed in Ye Olde War. He then turns into the
Fusion Gene. The Fusion Gene, when used, combines
all three of your party members into one weird
critter. See the Fusions section for more info.
Zitti then enters and thanks you for getting
for the rid of the ghost and the following conversation
ZITTI: Is it gone?
ZITTI: Good. We should be able to get to the Mirror now.
DULLARD: ...The Mirror? Tho you're after the Mirror of
Truth (TM) then, too.
ZITTI: Uh... Mirror? Did I say Mirror? I said "We should
be able get to rear now." You must have misheard.
DULLARD: Maybe...
ZITTI: What are we waiting for? Let's get going.

Zitti then joins the party! She uses bows and has
stat-modifing spells. Her Gear is the Hornet, the car
from Daytona USA (it fights by standing up on its rear
wheels and punching with the front ones). You can choose
to make a new party. Since Zitti has poor equipment, don't
use her right now. Use Dullard, Johnny, and Tim.
Work your way up through the crypt. Don't miss the
Magma Bow on B4. At the end of B3, you'll find a big
stone wall. Examine it and you'll have to fight it.
All La Pared (the wall) does is cast Moderately Large
Guard on itself, continually boosting its defense.
Use the Shower Curtain on it, and the Moderately Large
Guard will bounce off onto your party, and Johnny will
learn it. Then just have Tim attack, destroying La
Pared in one hit. Don't bother to revive Tim, because
there's a Save Dog just ahead, where you can cycle
Tim out for another character (preferably Lucille).
On B1, you'll come to an altar where the Mirror
of Truth (TM) is. Heal up, then take the Mirror. As
soon as you get it, a boss -- the Dog on Fire -- will
appear and attack. Dullard should just attack (at
this point he can probably do more damage hitting than
with the 401(k) Spell), and Johnny should attack as
well. Lucille should cast Blizzard if she has it,
or other use Freeze. The Dog on Fire can use Big Lick
to give your characters the "On Fire" status, which
drains their HP. Cast Lucille's Ice spell on whoever
gets hit to put the fire out. Also, the Dog on Fire
will cast Loss of Limbs to lower your party's attack
After you defeat the Dog on Fire, Dullard will
automatically take the Mirror of Truth (TM). This will cause
The Volcano to become activate, and the room starts
shaking. A timer appears and you have four minutes
to get out of The Volcano. Run north and follow the
passage until you get to a big chute. Get in your Gears
and you will automatically fly out of The Volcano.
Return to Formaldehyde, and buy Zitti some better
equipment. Don't forget to equip her with the Magma
Bow as well. Then go to the castle, where you'll find
the Chancellor waiting at the door for you. Talk to
him and Dullard will say that he's brought back the
Mirror of Truth (TM). The Chancellor says that before
they unmask the fake king, they have to rescue the real
king from the dungeons, but the only way into the dungeons
is through the Secret Underground Passage of Science.
He then tells you push one of the gravestones in the
cemetary to get in. Do so.
Head north through the Secret Underground Passage of
Science. Halfway through the third screen, you'll encounter
the Guy Who Always Cuts Off Your Limbs again. He's pretty
much the same as before, but with three characters you
shouldn't have any trouble beating him -- so don't waste
too much MP fighting him. Limb-Guy will run off once you
defeat him.
In the fourth screen of the Secret Underground Passage
of Science, you'll find a door. Go through it, and there will
be another door. Go through it, then the next twenty-two doors.
You will get to a screen that is nothing but doors. The object
here is to open every door without walking through one more
than once. Go RRDLULURD to hit them all. You will then end
up in a room where you will encounter Mr. Wizard and his
Beancounting Machine of Science. Mr. Wizard gets mad that you
interrupted his experiments and hops into the Beancounting
Machine of Science. It turns into a giant robot called a
Fight It and you fight a Gear battle.
Kool-Aid Impact should attack and heal as necessary. If
you're using Johnny's Alexandria, use its War Yodel to boost
your attack power. Otherwise, just use your strongest attacks,
as there are no other battles you need to conserve Fuel for.
Just watch out for the Fight It's Pixelled Laser, which can
give your Gears the confusion status. It doesn't use it that
much, though, so you shouldn't have any trouble defeating it.
After defeating the Fight It, you'll receive the Bombs; the
first Tool in the game.
Continue up out of the Secret Underground Passage of
Science. You'll be in the basement of Castle Formaldehyde.
Open the chest for the important Golden Mallet, which allows
you to whack Molenillo at certain spots. Molenillo is a
mole merchant who will trade you items for moles. After
getting the Golden Mallet, go back down the stairs (if you
go north, you will get to a barred door you can't get through)
and leave the Secret Underground Passage of Science.
Back in Formaldehyde, get healed up, then go around the
east gate of the castle. You'll see a weak spot in the wall.
Press Select to get to your Tools menu and select the Bomb,
then press Triangle to drop it, blowing a hole in the wall.
Go through and use another bomb to blow up the UPS truck
blocking the service entrance, then go through.
There aren't any enemies in the castle, so you won't
have to worry about random battles. You do, however, need to
get a disguise. Look around for the UPS guy with a picket
sign. Talk to him and Dullard will tell him that the UPS
strike ended a year ago. The UPS guy doesn't believe you
and attacks. Just use regular attacks to beat him, and
Dullard will steal his uniform afterwards.
Looking around, you'll run into a doorkeeper on the
second floor that only says "I'm the doorkeeper, who are
you?" But if you talk to the guard near him, he'll tell
you that the doorkeeper likes cider a lot. So go down to
the basement and talk to the guard at the wine cellar.
Because you have the UPS uniform on, he will let you in.
Take the cider from the shelves, then go back up to the
second floor. Go to the menu and use the new option,
"Shake cider". Then talk to the doorkeeper and you'll
hand over the cider. When the doorkeeper opens it, it
will spray cider all over him. The doorkeeper gets mad
and attacks you. Again, just take him down with regular
attacks and you'll get the guard uniform.
Go back down to the basement and take the left stairs
to the dungeon. Because you have the guard uniform, you
can get in. Use a bomb to blow open the cell containing
the real King to free him. The Chancellor will run in and
tell you to go unmask the false king. Note that if you
run into the guards now, you'll have a fight, so don't do
Head to the throne room, on the third floor. Dullard
will use the Mirror of Truth (TM) to unmask the phony king
as a shapeshifting Evil Omen Goat Monkey. You then have a
big boss fight against the Shapeshifter.
The Shapeshifter alternates between various forms, including
a dragon, a giant nose, the Nameless Emperor himself, a
generic Formaldehydian soldier, Wedge, a fairy, and Pat
Buchanan. The worst one is the giant nose; it will use Giga
Sneeze to blow two of your characters out of battle, leaving
only one. It can only do this if you have all three characters
alive, however, so if the Shapeshifter turns into the nose,
attack your weakest character and kill them (it helps to have
Chartreuse along to revive them after it de-noses). Other
attacks to watch out include the dragon's Firebreathing and
Fire Blast, and Pat Buchanan's Minority Death Ray, which will
instantly kill Dullard (a member of The Warren), Lucille (a
Flam), Tim (a talking warhead), and Chartreuse (a lion). Thus,
you'll want Johnny, Cid, or Zitti along to avoid this -- I
recommend Johnny as his Moderately Large Guard enemy skill is
very handy. Hopefully, the Shapeshifter will use his Wedge
form a lot, during which all your attacks do double damage.
The Shapeshifter drops a Cursed Jean Jacket when defeated.
After defeating the Shapeshifter, your other party members
will enter. There is a lot if dialogue, in which you find out
that Zitti is the requisite rebellious princess of Formaldehyde
(actually, she got lost in the town one day, and rather than
admit she got lost, she pretended she was being rebellious and
ran away). The king thanks you for getting rid of the
shapeshifter and retrieving Tim the Talking Warhead, and
gives you a lot of money, a Gear tuneup, and some decent clothes
(since Dullard is still dressed like a bum). Johnny says that
you (the party) want to continue the fight against the Empire.
At this point, ex-Greek Ginger Spice enters and tells you that
she has been replaced by The Guy Who Always Cuts Off Your Limbs,
and that the Empire is after some ancient artifacts called the
Kidney Stones, which are supposed to be connected to The Warren.
The Kidney Stones are located in the Soggy Frontier, a marsh
to the southwest. Dullard volunteers for the mission, because
he wants to learn more about The Warren. He and the rest of the
party set off, leaving Zitti behind.

%%%GIANT ROBOT PARROTS FROM MARS!%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You're now playing as just Zitti, in her room in the
castle. You have to get down to the basement without running
into any of the guards, who will send you back to your room.
First, search Zitti's dresser for the Hunting Bow, then leave.
The trick is to go to the kitchen, then enter the meat locker.
Sit in here until Zitti is frozen inside a block of ice, then
go into the banquet hall and step on the crack on the floor.
Because Zitti is encased in a block of ice, she is heavy enough
to break through the crack and fall down. You will land in
the basement. Go through the previously-barred door to the
entrance to the Secret Undreground Passage of Science (if you
didn't get the Golden Mallet earlier, be sure to pick it up).
Make your way out of the passage. It's tough with only Zitti,
so stay healed.
In town, head to the town square, where you'll meet up
with the rest of the gang, including Kain. Zitti rejoins up,
and Dullard explains that the King sent Kain to guide them to
the Soggy Frontier. Now that Dullard is not dressed as a bum,
you can get in the fourth weapon shop, where you can get some
new weapons. Be sure to get the awesome Bipartisan spear for
Cid, which has a high attack power *and* hits twice! You
can also get the Scramasaxophone for Dullard, and the Mithril
Swatter for Kain (if you didn't get it earlier). Skip the
Secular Staff and Shredding Claws, however; the Staff lowers
Lucille's magic power and you can get better claws shortly.
Leave Formaldehyde. There are now a few optional side
quests you can try. If you go back to the volcano, you will
see a dragon flying around it. By getting inside your Gears,
you can fight it. Use Kool-Aid Impact, El Pato, and the Fork
of Doom (Kain's gear; it's a giant mechanical fork). The
Fire Drake has a lot of HP; use El Pato's Frigid Flatulence,
as the Fire Drake is weak against ice. Also have the Fork of
Doom steal (like Kain, the Fork's sole ability is to steal
items) the Oversized Match spear from the dragon. It's weaker
than the Bipartisan, but you can sell it for lots of money.
When you defeat the Fire Drake, you'll get the Fire Claws.
Also, now that you have the Golden Mallet, you can go to
the mole-whacking spot by the forest to whack Molenillo. He
sells the Lightning Rod staff for Lucille, plus a variety of
accessories, including the Third Hand, which allows you to use the
Dreihander sword. However, that means you have to use the Third
Hand as your accessory, and the Dreihander is only two points
stronger than the Scramasaxophone, so it's not really worth it.
After you're done with the side quests, go southwest
across the now dried-up river (thanks to the lava) to the
Frontier Road. Here you will see an FMV scene in which your
party encounters a band of thieves. The band starts playing some
really awful music, forcing your party to flee.
Now return to Formaldehyde and go to the store that sells
the "crappy" equipment. There's another guy in here now, talk
to him and he says he works for the castle laundry room. Dullard
asks if he can get his bum's clothes back, but the guy says
that they were shrunk in the wash. The guy then says he has
another pair of bum's clothes, but you need to go on a
pointless fetch quest to get the Golden Bottle Cap of Da Da Da,
which he thinks he left in Timbuktu.
Go all the way back through the Mountain Pass to Timbuktu
and jump down the well in the center of town. There's a locked
door down here, which Kain can open. Go through and you'll
be in a dungeon that was inexplicably built under the town.
It's pretty linear (look around for the Masamurasamemune sword
for Dullard and Kain, though), so just head through until you
get to the altar with the Bottle Cap. Use the Save Dog nearby
to save your game, then take the Bottle Cap. This will cause
a huge boulder to fall down and start rolling after you.
Quickly run back through the cave (if the boulder hits you, you
die) and climb up the rope. When you climb up into Timbuktu,
you'll find the Greeks -- Elmer Fudd, the four remaining Spice
Girls, and Limb Guy -- waiting for you. You then have to
fight Baby Spice and Limb Guy (at the same time).
Limb Guy has a new spell called Manson Attack, which is
like Loss of Limb but affects the whole party. All you have
to do, though, is put Tim and have him attack Limb Guy once
and he'll run off. Then revive Tim (via a spell, item, or
the Saturday Night Fever accessory) and attack Baby Spice.
Again, one Tim hit will make her run off. After the battle,
you get the Bladed Swatter for Kain.
Return to Formaldehyde and talk to the guy who asked for
the Golden Bottle Cap of Da Da Da. He now says that what he
*really* wanted was the Magic Geranium, which he left in the
middle of nowhere. Leave the shop and you will be asked if
you want to go the middle of nowhere. Make sure Lucille is
in your party, then say yes. You will be teleported out into
deep space (the middle of nowhere), where you will have to
fight Hanson to get the Geranium. Your HP is being constantly
drained due to the fact that you are out in deep space, so use
group attack spells to take them out quickly. You may want to
have Kain steal the Hanson CD from them, which can be used in
battle to make all the enemies run away.
After defeating Hanson, you get the Magic Geranium and
are teleported back to Formaldehyde. Talk to the guy again
and he says he made another mistake, he *really* wanted the
Pot of Teddy Grahams at the end of the rainbow. So leave
Formaldehyde and head south across the river. You'll see
a rainbow. Go to the end of it and you will cut to a seperate
scene with a pot of gold. Try to take it and Agoob Agoo will
appear. He's Ooga Booga's father's brother's half-cousin's
sister-in-law's roommate's goldfish's tiki statue's girlfriend's
cardboard box, and you have to fight him.
Use Dullard, Johnny, and Chartreuse. Dullard should use
Descension with the Fire and Bone genes (Agoob Agoo is weak
against fire, and Bone protects you from his Spam attacks),
Johnny should cast Moderately Large Guard, then attack with
Funky Flow, and Chartreuse should take care of the healing (or
attack if nobody needs healing). Agoob Agoo's Bluh'y Irushmen
Attack will give the whole party the diarrhea condition in
addition to doing damage, so be sure to have Port-a-Potties
After defeating Agoob Agoo, you'll get the Pot of Teddy
Grahams. Take it back to the guy in Formaldehyde and you'll
finally get the bum's clothes. Dullard changes back to his
usual bum appearance. Now go talk to the band of thieves.
Because Dullard is dressed like a bum, they figure he doesn't
have any money and thus wouldn't want to buy their CD, so
they won't play. Thus, you can cross the Frontier Road to
the Forest Region.
However, as you leave the road, Dullard will notice that
his Hippopotamus Lure is missing, and you need a Hippo to
cross the marshes of the Soggy Frontier. Zitti guesses that
the band of thieves stole it. If you head up north to their
headquarters, you can't get in. Instead, go to the Town of
Bad Music, to the southwest. Save your game, then enter.
You now have 30 seconds to run to the item shop (northwest
of where you enter) and buy the Earplugs before the music
kills you. Once you have them, you're free to walk around
the town. Buy new equipment, then go to the Tower of Bad
Comics in the upper-left part of town.
There's no enemies in here, but to go up every floor, you
have to answer a riddle to which there are 30 possible answers.
To save you the pain I went through, here are the answers.

1) Weasel
2) Juju Jelly Planet
3) Apple fritter
4) Get off my plane
5) Sorry, I'm a frayed knot
6) Yesh
7) The backstreet
8) I was bein' a checker

After you get to the top floor, you have to fight Jeffy
from the Family Circus. He's a total wimp, just whack him
for a while and he'll run away crying. Then open the chest
he was guarding for the Chicken Costume.
Get healed, then return to the thieves' HQ. With the
Chicken Costume, you are allowed inside. This is a really
straightforward dungeon. In fact, all you have to do is
walk straight forward. Eventually (like an hour later)
you get to the leader of the thieves. He reveals that the
thieves are really giant robot parrots from Mars sent to
steal the Death Muffin from Earth. If you stole the Death
Muffin from the Muffin Man, you'll automatically trade it
to the parrot leader, receiving your Hippopotamus Lure back,
in addition to the Parrot Charm, which halves the enemy
encounter rate when equipped (or can be sold for 25,000
nudeln). If you don't have the Death Muffin, you'll have
to fight.
Use Dullard, Chartreuse, and Zitti. The Parrot Leader
can confuse you, so don't use Descension or you might wind
up ripping the party. Instead, have him attack with the
403(b) Spell, and use items to heal if necessary.
Chartreuse should use Cheese Skin (or Cheese Aura, if you
have it) and Power Pill to boost your defense and attack,
then just fight (healing when necessary, of course). If
somebody dies, you'll need to recast the spells on them.
Zitti should keep casting Loss of Limb and Loss of Torso
on the Parrot Leader to lower his attack and defense,
respectively. This is a tough battle, so come prepared.
After defeating the Parrot Leader, you'll receive the
Hippopotamus Lure, but you will not get the Parrot Charm
you would have gotten for trading in the Death Muffin.
After getting the Hippopotamus Lure, you will be
teleported back to the entrance of the Thieves' HQ. Strip
Kain of his armor, then leave. When you do, you'll run
into General Leer and Bozo the Clown. Leer suggests to
Bozo that they should just keep going as the party isn't
directly interfering with them, but Bozo starts talking to
Kain and says that Kain is a clone of him (Bozo). Kain goes
psycho and runs off. Leer and Bozo then leave.


Now that you have your Hippopotamus Lure back, go catch a
Hippo and use it to ride southwest into the SoggyFrontier.
The SoggyFrontier is easy to get lost in, as it's all one big
swamp, so here's a cheesy ASCII map:

| 5 |
| 3 | 1 = Entrance
| | 2 = SacredForest
| 2 | 3 = Parcheesi
| 6 1| 4 = IPO
| | 5 = Boringaturu
| * | 6 = ScientificKingdom
| 4 | * = Mole-Whacking Spot
| |

First, head to the SacredForest (for some reason, there are
no spaces between everything in the SoggyFrontier). When you
get here, you'll meet the doorkeeper. The doorkeeper tells you
that you must collect the four ArcaneBaseballCards in order to
be permitted entrance into the SacredForest. One is located in
Parcheesi, one in IPO, one in Boringaturu, and one in the
Go to Parcheesi first. This place is a casino, but you
can't play any of the games. You also can't open any of the
doors, or talk to any of the people, or move. In fact, you
can't do anything here. Just sit here for about 20 minutes and
you'll receive a BaseballCard.
Now go to ScientificKingdom. Buy some new equipment, like
the WarLordPajamas (good armor and everyone can use it) and
especially the TripleDragon sword for Dullard. It has a low
attack power, but attacks three times. You can also buy
Gummi Worms, a better HP restorer. Then go to the church,
where you'll meet Green, a wizard with red hair and purple
clothes. He tells you that the card is located in
Carl'sWorkspace. Walk into the trees on the south side of
town and go through the invisible passage until you suddenly
appear in Carl'sWorkspace.
Work your way through the dungeon, picking up a Deluxe
Mallet along the way, until you get to Carl'sOffice. When you
enter, you'll find Carl, and your party attacks him for no
good reason (poor Carl). Carl is *really* tough, but there's
an easy way to beat him. Just equip Dullard with the Carl
Sword and attack him once. Instead of doing numerical damage
(i.e, 1200, or whatever), you will do "A Lot" of damage, and
Carl dies in one hit. He then reveals his true form, the
BigToaster. BigToaster uses BadToastSpray, which does a fair
amount of damage and also causes Diarrhea, so equip those
Port-a-Potties. Also switch Dullard back to his normal sword.
If you have Johnny along, you can learn BadToastSpray as one
of the Enemy Skillz.
After defeating the BigToaster, you receive another
BaseballCard. Now go to Boringaturu, the town of the
Generics. By talking to people in the town, you learn that
the Generic leader, GenericLord, is ruling the town with a
generic fist from his castle, ChateauGeneric. At the bar,
you'll run into a guy who claims to be from LANDSLIDE. He
doesn't recognize Dullard, because Dullard is dressed like
a bum, but he recognizes Lucille and Cid. He tells you to
follow him and takes you to LANDSLIDE's Boringaturu hideout.
There, you meet Poppin Fresh again. PF explains that
LANDSLIDE has been assigned to topple the GenericLord.
However, to hurt him, they need the GenericBow and the
GenericArrows. The GenericBow is located in the Lost
Pizzeria of Ordu, and the GenericArrows in the Xylophone
Dimension. Dullard starts complaining about "another fetch
quetht", so Poppin Fresh admits he was just kidding, they
already have the GenericBow and GenericArrows. He then
gives the bow to you; equip it on Zitti. Poppin Fresh
says that they have an undercover agent in ChateauGeneric,
WhiteHose (one of her arms is actually a hose). However,
due to her huge afro, WhiteHose can't get out of her room
as her hair won't fit through the door.
You can't do anything more right now, so leave
Boringaturu and go to IPO, a big stock market. This place
is a maze of people; but the guys with the green shirts
are just illusions and you can walk through them. Head
to the upper-left, where you'll find the office of Match,
IPO's director. Match says that he'll give you the
BaseballCard if you overthrow the Manipulators, a secretive
group who he claims controls the stock market. He then
gives you the SpringShoes, the second Tool. These allow
you to jump.
You now have to use the SpringShoes to navigate the
maze of people in IPO by jumping on their heads. From
Match's office, follow these directions:
Jump down 3
Walk right 1
Jump down 2
Walk left 1 (after the person you're standing on moves)
Jump down 1
Jump left 1, chest with Gunclaw on guy's head
Jump right 2
Walk up 1
Jump right 2
Jump up on down on the woman until you knock her out
Once you knock out the woman, take her back to Match's
office. Match will recognize her as the head of the
Manipulators. The woman then reveals herself as Posh
Spice, and you fight her. Use Dullard, Cid, and Chartreuse.
Dullard should morph, Cid should attack, Chartreuse
heal, yada yada yada. There's nothing here you haven't
seen before.
After you defeat Posh Spice, she'll run off. Match
then gives you another BaseballCard. Head back to
Boringaturu and go to WhiteHose's house (the one just
to the right of the inn). Use the Spring Shoes to hop
the crates by the side of the house and examine the
chimney. Johnny will use a rope to pull WhiteHose out
of her house. WhiteHose thanks you and explains the
plans for the attack on ChateauGeneric. Dullard,
Lucille, and Johnny will enter ChateauGeneric through
the mountains (accompanied by WhiteHose) while Zitti and
Chartreuse enter through the sewers and rescue the other
Generics in the castle, including the PantherPrincess,
WhiteHose's sister. (Tim has no Gear, so he can't come
When you're ready to attack the castle, talk to
WhiteHose again and say yes. You'll start out by
controlling Zitti and Chartreuse in their Gears. Just
run through the sewers -- it's pretty mazelike, but the
enemies are a piece of cake -- until you get to the
big storage room. Open the chests for some Gear items
and a HyperionPeashooter for Johnny, then try to climb up
through the big pipe. An alligator will come out and
start chasing you. Don't try to fight it; just run back
until you get to the ladder. Use the SpringShoes to jump
up on top the ledge. The alligator will try to come up
the ladder after you, and step on the "This Is Not A Step"
step. When it does so, it implodes. Then go back to
the alligator room and go through the pipe.
You'll now cut over to Dullard's party, in the
mountains. Go up the trail until you get to a big door
guarded by a GiantNutria. Fight it. This guy is pretty
tough; he has an extremely high block rate. Use magic
attacks against him (like Kool-Aid Lance and Kool-Aid
Bomb). After defeating it, go through the door and
you'll find Wedge and Vicks being attacked by a griffin.
Defeat the griffin (it's easy), and they'll come with
Go up to the top of the mountains, and you'll reach
a cliff. There's a brief FMV scene of ChateauGeneric,
and then Wedge will give you the Hookshot tool so you
can swing into the castle. To demonstrate, he latches
the Hookshot on to a big boulder, which rolls off the
cliff and crushes him and Vicks. You now have the
Hookshot, so just shoot it and you'll automatically be
taken into the castle.
Back to Chartreuse and Zitti, now on foot. Wander the
castle and look for people that aren't soldiers (just ignore
the wall of fire; you can't get by). Talk to them and they'll
follow you. You now have to get back to the SafeRoom
(the room with the block home sign) without being touched
by a guard. If you bump into the guard, the Generic will
run off and you'll have a fight. There are a total of 8
people to save, including PantherPrincess. Once you've
found them all, go back to the SafeRoom and PantherPrincess
will give you the BronzeMoon sword.
You then cut over to Dullard's team. Explore the
third floor for some treasure (nothing too spectacular),
then take the elevator down to the first floor (the only
place it can go). Go to the SafeRoom and Chartreuse and
Zitti will rejoin. You can then make a new party if you
want to. Afterwards, go to the wall of fire and WhiteHose
will use her hose-arm to put it out. Go up the stairs
to the second floor. Just wander around a little while
until you get to the throne room, where you'll encounter
Graph, the GenericLord.
GenericLord reveals that he is half human, half Generic,
and half Flam. While the party is puzzling this out, he
attacks. I recommend using Dullard, Cid, and Chartreuse.
Have Dullard use Descension with the Bone and Mutation
Genes, then use Dark Blast. GenericLord is weak against
Spam, so this will do a lot of damage. Cid should similarly
use Acidic Flatulence until he runs out of MP, then attack.
Chartreuse should cast Cheese Aura to raise the party's
defense, then use Caffeinate on himself. Have him take
care of the healing, and attack when he can. GenericLord
has a lot of powerful attacks, like JelloThunder and
JelloRain. He can also use 3Misers to steal your money
(this is annoying).
After you defeat GenericLord, he'll vanish, and the
last BaseballCard will appear. Take it and you'll be
warped back to town. Stock up on items and heal, then
go back to the SacredWoods.
Now that you have all the BaseballCards, the
gatekeeper will let you in. Head up the hill; there's
pretty much just one path. The enemies here can be kind
of tough, but you *can* use your Gears if you wish.
Along the way, you'll find some jello. Get out of your
Gears and have Dullard examine it. "Dullard hears the
voice of The Warren sealed in the Jello..." and you
get the Tree Gene, which lets you turn into an Arborachuck.
At the top of the SacredWoods, you'll find the World
Tree, Iggy Drasil. Despite the fact that Iggy thinks
he's a dragon and not a tree, he agrees to answer any
questions the party has for him.
Dullard asks why The Warren were destroyed in Ye
Olde Warr, and Iggy explains that it was because they
fought on the side of the Spam. They were killed by
the Flams, who sided with the Jello. The Flams were
lead by the famous mathmetician Graph, also known as
the GenericLord.
The party doesn't believe this, except for Johnny,
who just cares about stopping the Empire from getting
the Kidney Stones. Iggy Drasil tells you that the
Kidney Stones are located in the Kidney Temple in the
Eternal Plane of Jello. He teleports you there.
You now have to find 8 keys to open the door to
the inner chamber. They are located one per room in
the 8 rooms of the temple:

ROOM 1 - Game Show. You will be shown a bunch of
inkblots, and asked what they remind you of. Answer
"The color yellow" to all six of them, and you will
win the key.

ROOM 2 - Walk on the altar and you'll have to fight
five MagmaCows. These guys can be tough; use Cid's
Antarctic Winds to take them out. After beating them,
you get the key.

ROOM 3 - This place is an empty room except for the
woodchuck walking around it. Follow the woodchuck
and it will lead you into various traps. After you've
lost all but 1 HP, you'll receive the key. Be sure
to heal up!

ROOM 4 - When you enter this room, balls will start
rolling down chutes at you. You have to push them
all back up the chutes to get the key, but they keep
rolling down. Very difficult.

ROOM 5 - This room is a tournament, but all the other
contestants didn't show up, so you automatically get
the key. They must have put this in as a break after

ROOM 6 - This is like Asteroids, except you're the
asteroid. You'll be shot at by Wedge and Vicks and
blown into little pieces. Keep healing until the
UFO comes and kills Wedge and Vicks, then take the

ROOM 7 - This place is a cemetary. Dig up all the
graves and you'll get some bones each time. Put the
bones on the pressure plate and it will open the door,
allowing you to get the key. Tasteless, but easy.

ROOM 8 - This room has 8 pots. Open all the pots,
until you find the pot. Smoke it, and you get the

After getting all the keys, go to the Inner
Sanctum. Bozo the Clown, Archmage Soho, and Limb
Guy are already here when you arrive. Bozo takes
the Kidney Stones, and he and Soho teleport away,
leaving you to fight The Guy Who Always Cuts Off
Your Limbs.
Limb Guy is the same as always -- two Tim blasts
and he's gone. He'll run off... don't worry, your
next battle will the be the last. Dullard will then
notice that Bozo dropped one of the Kidney Stones in
his escape, and take it -- it's the Ford Taurus stone.
Dullard then learns the very powerful Groin Shredder
sword technique. You're then teleported back outside
the SacredWoods. Equip the Ford Taurus stone (it's
an accessory).

%%%SETTING SAIL%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Return to Formaldehyde and talk to the King (remember, you
must take Zitti out of your party to get in the castle).
He says that the Empire has probably taken the Kidney Stones
back to the Nameless Imperial Capital. The party volunteers
to go retrieve them. The King says that flying in would be too
dangerous, so he suggests that you sail in.
Go down to the port and talk to Captain Crunch. Captain
Crunch would like to help you, but no ships can leave port until
the lighthouse on Obligatory Point is repaired. He then says
that you need to train his assistant Piette so that Piette can
go enter the lighthouse. Dullard refuses, says that's a waste
of time, and that he'll go there "mythelf". Captain Crunch
then gives you the Lighthouse Key.
Before leaving town, go to the item shop and buy some
Flame Chrysanthemums. These can be used in battle for a fire
attack, but you'll also need them in the lighthouse. Then
walk northeast from Formaldehyde to the lighthouse, use the
key, and enter.
From the start, go up the stairs until you get to an
elevator that takes you down to the basement. Go up to the
furnace and put a Flame Chrysanthemum inside, then examine
the control panel. You'll see a dog walking down a street.
Wait until it stops in front of the fire hydrant, then quickly
push Circle. This will activate the flow of chrysanthemum
energy. Now go back to the elevator, ride it back up,
descend to the entrance, and take the stairs down. Head
down two floors and look around for a hidden chest that holds
the Dream Harp for Zitti -- it's weaker than her bows, but
puts enemies to sleep. Then keep going down until you get to
the elevator that leads to the roof. As soon as you set foot
on the roof, you are attacked by the Rendition, a renegade Gear.
Use Dullard, Cid, and Chartreuse (you may want to use Lucille's
LEG instead if it has several abilities). The Rendition will
use a variety of elemental attacks, but it doesn't have a lot
of HP, so you should be able to beat it without too much trouble
-- just stay healed!
After you do enough damage to the Rendition, you will then
see a brief FMV of the LEG using Parabola Smash (even if you don't
have it yet) to destroy the Rendition. Its pilot leaps out --
its Kain! Then the Rendition regenerates itself, and Kain hops back
in and flies off.
First, take the Gross Gene sealed in the jello, then throw
the main control lever. The lighthouse will start again, but a
barrier will appear around and prevent you from leaving. Luckily,
Peco Bill, the talking onion folktale hero, will show up and bail
you out.
Leave the lighthouse and go back to Formaldehyde. Talk to
Captain Crunch and he'll thank you for fixing up the lighthouse,
and say he'll sail you wherever you want. You then gain control of
the Sour Candy!
With the Sour Candy, you can now sail around the Sea of
Formaldehyde and get off anywhere between Rocket Town and Formaldehyde.
You might want to go back to some of the mole-whacking spots to
whack some moles, and pick up any Enemy Skillz you missed. Also,
on the small island east of Castle Weaselstein is a casino where
you can play a variety of games that are nearly impossible to win
at -- but if you do win, you can exchange the "chips" you get for
prizes, except the prizes cost a ridiculous amount of chips.
In a pot in the casino you can find the Blackjack, a weapon nobody
can use. Just hang on it (even though you can sell it for 20,000
At the end of Point Obligatory, you'll find a Ghost Ship
blocking the strait (you knew that was coming). Sail up to it to
board it. On the Ghost Ship, take the main stairs down, jump over
the hole (with the SpringShoes), and open the closet. Green,
the magician from the ScientificKingdom, will jump out and thank
you for freeing him. He gives you a diary that he found on the
ship. Use it to read it; it tells you not to push the red button.
Go left, descend the stairs, and push the blocks into a smiley
face (it's harder than it looks). This will cause a chest to
fall down with the three-handed Demon Bow.
Back on deck, go down the left stairs and enter the third
cabin. Kill the skeleton, then walk up to the door behind it.
As you approach it, a bookcase will slide in front of the door
and you can't get through. So back up and shoot the Hookshot
through the door. It will hit a hookshot post in the next room
and you will slide through before the bookcase can close. Walk
up and examine the control panel. Push the red button. You
will be asked if you want to do this. Say "Yes" and you'll be
asked if you really want to do this. Say "Yes" and you'll be asked
if you really, really, want to do this. Say "Yes" and you'll
be asked if you're absolutely positive you want to do this. Say
"Yes" and you'll be asked if you're absolutely positive, beyond
a doubt, sure you want to do this. Say "Yes" and you'll be asked
if you're absolutely positive, beyond a doubt, sure with a cherry
on top that you want to do this. Say "Yes" and the door will
open. (if you say "No" to any of the question, a pit trap will
open and drop you into a really long maze that doesn't even have
any chests). Then head north to face the Vole Skeleton.
The Vole Skeleton is undead, which means you can hurt it with
heal spells. Just put Chartreuse and Lucille in and have them use
their heal spells. Dullard should use Descension with the Eldredge
gene, and use his heal spell on the Skeleton. The only dangerous
attack the Vole Skeleton has is Owl Pellets, which takes off about
2-3000 HP on one character. Using heal spells, this guy is a wimp.
After you beat the Vole Skeleton, the ship will start to
collapse and you have three minutes to escape. Run back up to
the deck, but don't leave. Just let the time tick down. When
there's five seconds left, Captain Crunch will yell at you to stop
showing off and throw a sledgehammer at you. Dullard will catch
it; it's a weapon for Lucille. Then quickly board the Sour Candy.
Now that the Ghost Ship is gone, you can sail through the
Obligatory Straits. Before you do, take care of anything you
want to do around the Formaldehyde Sea, as you can't return until
you can fly (which is pretty soon). Then go to the point and
Captain Crunch will ask you if you want to set sail for the
Imperial Continent. Say "Yes". There will be a lot of dialogue;
Dullard and Lucille will talk some and Johnny spouts off about
the Empire, and you rest for free.
Dullard will be woken up by a thud. Get dressed (as a bum),
grab your sword, and go up to the deck. You'll find an Imperial
ship commanded by General Leer and Archmage Soho attempting to
sink the Sour Candy. The Empire is foiled, however, when Cid
shoots Tim the Talking Warhead at the ship, blowing it up. Soho
summons a Kraken, then she and Leer teleport away. You then
have to fight the Kraken in your Gears. After defeating it,
Soho will appear and sink your ship, and Disc 1 ends.

Author's note: I bet nobody got why Kain's new Gear was called
Rendition. See, in Xenogears, Elie's Gear is named Virge, which is
also the name of a 3D accelerator chipset, and Rendition is
another 3D chipset. Okay, that was obscure...


%%%REVENGE OF THE DEMON SQUIRRELS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The party wakes up on a shore. Captain Crunch is missing.
Note that if you didn't get dressed and get your sword back on
the Sour Candy, Dullard will have lost his equipment.
Head north and you'll be on the overworld, near a town.
Enter it; it's Iyar, a combination of the Generic Rich Town
and the Generic Coliseum Town. By talking to people, you'll
learn that you're on the southern end of the Imperial Continent,
separated from the Capital by a wide desert known for no
particular reason as the Desert of Life. Explore the town and
buy new Laxative gear. You can't enter the Coliseum right now
(you need tickets), so go to the warehouse in the lower-right
corner of town and talk to the manager there. He'll ask if you're
looking for a job, say yes. You have to solve some block-pushing
puzzles by pushing all the crates onto the switches. On the
last puzzle, you'll find there aren't enough crates, so push the
manager onto one of the switches. After solving all four puzzles,
the manager will pay you 10000 nudeln and leave. Now that he's
gone, go through the "Staff Only" door and open the chests for
an Amulet of Jig and the Magic Wand of Fligglefritz.
Wand in hand, go to the upper-left area of town and enter
the appliance store. Stand in the empty spot in the line of
merchandise and use the Magic Wand. You'll be turned into a
microwave oven. A purple octopus in a yellow trenchcoat will
come in and buy you, and you're taken to his mansion.
Use the Magic Wand again to turn back into your normal
form, then go down the stairs into the basement (if you want to
leave, just go out the front door). Fight your way down through
the basement, picking up the meager chests along the way, until
you get to a pond at the bottom. The octopus is here. Talk to
him and he demands to know how you got into his mansion. Dullard
explains that he turned himself into a microwave oven and was
bought at the appliance store. The octopus, Storeman Norman,
then says that he knows Dullard is a member of The Warren and
that he too is Warren. He then says he wants to test you, and
turns into a giant Merchuck (top half woodchuck, bottom half
Dullard should use Descension with the Flame and Gross
Genes, then attack with Firebreathing -- the Merchuck is weak
against fire. Have Lucille cast Disco Inferno, and Chartreuse
take care of the healing. The Merchuck has some powerful attacks,
like Water Blast and Femaelstrom -- the latter does about 2000
HP damage to the whole party, so hopefully Chartreuse has learned
Heal Us, James!. You may also want to use Rava Brraire to boost
your magic defense.
After you defeat the Merchuck, it will turn back into
Storeman Norman. You will then receive the Fish gene, which lets
you turn into the Merchuck. Dullard asks Norman why The Warren
were destroyed, and Norman says that The Warren are supposed to
have destroyed countless towns during Ye Olde War, and that
Graph and the Flams were trying to protect the sacred artifact
of the Flams, the Yellow Chair. Norman says that Graph is working
for the Nameless Empire. Johnny asks Norman how they can cross
the desert, and Norman gives you a map of the desert and sends
you off.
As soon as you leave the mansion, a squirrel will jump down,
grab your map, and runs off. Chase it around town until it runs
into the knothole in the tree. You're too big to fit through, so
go to the alchemy shop in the center of town and ask the alchemist
about a shrinking potion. The alchemist will make you a potion
if you bring her some Muffin Cookies. To get the Muffin Cookies,
go back to Storeman Norman's kitchen and search the oven. Then go
back to the alchemist to get the Shrinking Potion. You can use
the potion to shrink temporarily (for about five seconds), so
use it to enter the tree. When you get in here, you'll find your
old friend Mr. Squirrel. Mr. Squirrel tells you that the
squirrel who swiped your map is the notorious bandit Herman, and
that Herman ran off to the Forest of Moo, to the east. Be sure
to save, then head to the forest.
This place is a pain in the rear. You have to use the
Shrinking Potion to shrink down and enter knotholes in the trees,
which are really hard to see, and there are a *lot* of fights
against various kinds of cows. There are 9 trees which you will
traipse between (at various levels), here they are:

( 1 )
( 2 ) ( 3 )
( 4 ) ( 5 )
( 6 ) ( 7 ) ( 8 )
( 9 )

Start by entering the knothole in Tree #3. Talk to the
squirrel and he tells you he's lost his nuts. Leave that tree,
and go to Tree #4. Go up two levels, then go south and cross
the rope bridge to Tree #6. Enter Tree #6, ascend a level, and
open the chest for the Bark Staff for Lucille. Then use the
Shrinking Potion to go through the knothole and cross the rope
bridge to the north back to Tree #4 (but one level higher up),
and go right across another bridge to Tree #5. Open the chest
for the Oak Mallet, a better mole-whacking mallet. Use the
Shrinking Potion and descend two levels and you'll meet Neon Man, the
famous squirrel superhero. If you talk to him, all he says is "Smelly
stuff smelly stuff smelly stuff".
From Neon Man, go up one level and use the Shrinking Potion
to go through the knothole. Climb the rope up to the top of Tree
#5. Use the hookshot to swing over to Tree #8, and drop down through
the knothole (via the potion, of course). Set a bomb in the hole in
the wall and the tree will shake, causing some nuts to fall down. Then
go back up on the treetop and walk up to Tree #3. Descend all the way to
the second floor and throw the switch. This will make a bridge
appear from Tree #2 to Tree #1. Then go back to where Neon Man is,
use the Shrinking Potion, and jump out the knothole. You'll land
in the central area. At this point, you'll probably want to go
back and get healed.
Now go into Tree #4, ascend one level, and use the Shriking
Potion to go out through the knothole. Climb up the vine to the
top of Tree #4, then drop down through the hole. Use the teleporter
and you'll warp to the top of Tree #2. Descend two levels and
you'll get to a room with three squirrels -- a brown one, a red one,
and a gray one. They will run around, then turn into rocks. You
have to guess which one is the red one. Just keep guessing until
you guess right. The squirrels will then open the door for you
and disappear. Descend two more levels, then go out the knothole
with the Shrinking Potion and climb up the rope one level. Enter
the tree (it's stilll Tree #2), cross the bridge to the northeast
(which only is there because you hit the switch), and you'll be
in Tree #1. Go up five levels to the top of the tree, and throw
the switch. Then go down to the very bottom of the tree, through
the now-open grate (thanks to the switch you just pulled), and open
the chest for the Smelly Socks. Go back up to the second switch,
go out through the knothole, and climb down to the ledge near the
ground. From there, you can hop off.
Go back to town and get healed again, then return to where
Neon Man is. Give him the Smelly Socks, and he'll say "Smelly stuff
smelly stuff" and give you the Flying Cape, another Tool. The
Flying Cape lets you fly where there is wind. Go up the top of
Tree #5 (use the rope outside the knothole one level up from Neon
Man) and head south to Tree #8. You'll see some white stuff moving
around to the left -- that's wind. Walk up to it and use the Flying
Cape to fly over to the top of Tree #7. Go down into the hole,
and cross the bridge over to a ledge outside Tree #8. Use the
Shrinking Potion to drop down through the small hole, then go inside
the door. Descend to the bottom of the tree and exit. You'll be
in a small area surrounded by bushes, where the nuts you knocked
down are. Get them. Now go back to the squirrel who lost his nuts,
and give him the ones you got. The squirrel will give you the Nut
Cannon, and teach Zitti the Bobbitt Attack.
Now go up to on top of Tree #1, and use the Flying Cape to
fly down to the top of Tree #2. Open the chest for the Fruit Stripe
Gum, then jump down. Give the gum to the zebra guarding the door
into Tree #7, and he'll leave. Go up two floors, and cross the
bridge into Tree #9. As soon as you walk into this tree, you'll
fall in a pit trap and land in B2 (a cave under the tree). Go up
the stairs and you'll be in another cave room. This place is a
Swiss Cheese Room, there are a whole lot of invisible pit traps.
Picture the correct path as a giant Q shape:
| ***** | S = Start
| ** ** | E = Exit
| * @ * | * = Path
| ** * *** | @ = Switch to open door
| * *** ** |
On 1F, you'll be on a narrow bridge. Talk to the squirrel and
it will ask you what the secret password is. The correct answer is
"tabernacle". If you say the wrong password, you'll be dropped back
down to B2. Then go up to 2F, and turn on the wind machine. Then
go up to 3F, where you came in. The pit trap is still open, but the
wind machine is on. Use the Flying Cape to fly to the ledge in the
center, then fly to the ledge on the right, and from there to the
far side. Go up to 4F, use the Save Dog (about time!), and bomb
through the wall to the north, revealing a secret door. Cross it
back to Tree #7 and open the chest for the Elven Bow for Zitti. Go
back to Tree #9 and head up another floor to face Herman. Thankfully,
after this grueling dungeon, Herman is a piece of cake. Tim can
take him out in one or two attacks. After Herman bites the dust,
you'll finally get your map back. Jump out the knothole to the
south and you'll be back on the world map. Head back to town,
get healed up, and SAVE! You don't want to have to go through
that again.

%%%MORE THAN JUST DESERTS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Map in hand, go north from Iyar to the Desert of Life. The
party will have a brief discussion, and Johnny explains how to
navigate in the desert. There are five important stars: the
False North Star, the Real McCoy North Star, the East Star,
the Sort-of-West-But-More-Southwest-Actually Star, and the Stars
Team, a group of three stars. You have to use them to navigate,
while also being sure to swig some water whenever your body
temperature rises above 100 degrees. In order to make the water
have the maximum effect, you also have to mash the Square button
while drinking it. Oh yeah, and there are fights too, and the
occasional sandstorm that obscures your vision. You also have
to rest if the hour is a prime number and the number of minute
after the hour are a multiple of 17. Fortunately, if you get
lost or run out of water, you can use your hippo to return to
If you thought the Forest of Moo was bad, this place isn't
much better. Fortunately, the fights are pretty easy -- use
Dullard, Tim, and Chartreuse, and have Tim blow up on guys,
while Chartreuse revives him. Since you get back all your MP
when you rest, you can just keep doing this. If you encounter
Newt Gingrich, he will be paralyzed by the heat. Use some
Wonderbread to unparalyze him, and he will give you the Contract
With America accessory and run away. Also, if you didn't learn
Stop Pants from Pavarotti's ghost, yuo can get it from the
Laundrymen here.
Navigation-wise, follow the Real McCoy North Star for
three days, then follow the East Star until the Stars Team is
directly underneath the Sort-of-West-But-More-Southwest-Actually
Star, then follow the False North Star until the Sort-of-West-But-
More-Southwest-Actually Star can't be seen anymore, and do the
Hokey Pokey. Doing the Hokey Pokey will take you to a separate
scene where Dullard tries to climb up on top of a hill to see,
only to have the hill come to life -- it's actually a giant
penguin that was covered in sand! (what's a penguin doing out
in the desert?)
Pengo is weak against fire, so have Dullard transform
with the Fire gene and attack with Firebreathing. Basically,
just fight him the way you did Storeman Norman. Pengo does
have a powerful ice attacks that hits the whole party, so
boost your magic defense with Rava Brraire. Alternately, use
Fusion with Johnny and Tim to turn into Frank the Talking
Atomic Bomb, and do your explode attack. It should take out
Pengo in one hit, but will kill both Johnny and Tim.
However you defeat Pengo, you will end up going back to
your tent, where you'll find that Zitti has fallen unconscious
due to heat sickness. Either give her some water and then
go outside, or just go outside. Outside the tent, the Kool-Aid
Pitcher Guy will show up and teach Chartreuse the Kool-Aid
Pulse revive spell, which Chartreuse will then use to revive
Zitti. The party is still weak, so they head to the nearby
Tin Saucer amusement park to rest.
At the Tin Saucer, the party will split up to explore.
Depending on who you have more "love points" towards, Dullard
will go with either Lucille or Zitti (for example, giving Zitti
the water before you left the tent gives you a point towards
her). Jump in the tube leading to the Fortune Octagon. Here,
you will encounter the fortune-telling Pokérman. Pokérman looks
like Pikachu, except Pokérman has a pinstripe suit and is always
smoking a cigar. Pokérman will attempt to tell your fortune,
but gets a general protection fault. Since you only have two
people (Dullard and his date), Pokérman decides to come with you
to find out why he got a GPF. (note that if you're with Lucille,
she will seem to recognize Pokérman)
Pokérman uses yo-yos to attack, and casts spells with tarot
cards. He has no Gear, but during Gear battles, will grow to the
size of a Gear. When Gear size, he has only one ability, Slot,
which calls up a slot machine to perform various attacks.
Pokérman only starts at level 25, so you'll have to build him
up for him to become useful. Actually, he isn't useful even
if you *do* build him up -- he's Beath of Flams' cute but useless
character. Anyway, be sure to equip Pokérman with the Blackjack
yo-yo you got at the casino back in the Sea of Formaldehyde.
You're now free to explore the Tin Saucer, just don't go to
the Arcade Octagon. The various places you can go:

All that's here is an inn. Sometimes, however, you will have
nightmares when sleeping here and not get your HP restored.

Here you can play a bonus game in which you fly around in a
UFO while people in a roller coaster take potshots at you.
The idea is to survive as long as possible. If you can
survive for five minutes, you win a prize, but this is nearly

You can bet on hippo races here and win some cheesy prizes.
Later on (once you start breeding hippos), you can actually
race your own.

Nothing to do here right now.

DON'T GET ON THE GONDOLA! If you do, it will break halfway through
the ride and you will fall to your death -- game over!

You can play a bunch of crappy bonus games here. I'll cover them
in the next version once I get chance to play them some more.

When you're ready to get on with the game, go to the Arcade
Octagon. Here you will see a bunch of thugs mugging a visitor.
Dullard and the party will rush to the visitor's aid. Do NOT
use any group attack spells or you'll hit the customer too.
Just attack the thugs individually until you defeat them all,
and the battle will end. Talk to the guy who was mugged to
ask him if he's okay, then try to leave. The police will come in,
and arrest you for creating a disturbance. You will be taken back
to Iyar and put on trial. (Pokérman, however, gets away, as he
works for the Saucer)
At the trial, the Imperial jury will all vote against you.
If you didn't hit the customer in the fight, though, you will
get one vote for you, and if you talked to the guy before leaving,
you'll get another. However, the verdict is still against you,
and Dullard is sentenced to twenty years community service -- working
as a janitor at the Coliseum. A screen will come up and ask you
if you want to save, do so.
You then cut to Dullard washing the floor. You have to wash
every square, without stepping on the wet spots. To do so, go
down, left, left, up, right, up, left, left, down, down, down,
right, and right. After washing the floor, Dullard will get off
work. A mailman will come and give Dullard some mail. Depending
on the verdict, it will contain a different item:

0 votes for you -- Jack Squat gun for Johnny
1 vote -- 2 Pitchers of Kool-Aid (like elixirs)
2 votes -- 2 Pitchers of Kool-Aid, Jello Packet (like a megalixir)

Now go up to the director's office, in the upper-right corner
of the Coliseum. The director is The Guy Who Always Cuts Off Your
Limbs, but since Dullard is dressed like a bum, Limb Guy doesn't
recognize him. Limb Guy says that if Dullard wants to get his
sentence nullified, he has to win the tournament. Dullard agrees
to enter.
Head to the left side of the coliseum. Now that Dullard is
a participant, you will be able to go in to the inn, weapon, and
item shops. Make sure you've got plenty of items, and also buy
the Iomega Sword and Battle Armor -- you'll need them. Check
the bulletin board to see how the tournamet is set up:

Vicks and Wedge--/ \
Pops the Walrus--\_____/ |
Village People---/ |
Kain-------------\_____ |
Paul Revere------/ \ |
Ninja Turtles----\_____/
Jack Nickalus----/

Go to the arena and talk to the woman there. If you need
more money or experience, choose to practice and you'll fight
some generic soldier enemies. When you're done building up,
talk to the woman and say you're ready to fight. You'll then
fight the first round against Vicks and Wedge. They're really
easy; you can kill them both in one hit.
After you win, go back to the bulletin board to get the
results of the other matches -- the Village People beat Pops
the Walrus, Kain beat Paul Revere, and the Ninja Turtles
defeated Jack Nicklaus. Train more if you want, and be sure
to have the Iomega Sword and Battle Armor for the upcoming
battle. Save at the Save Dog (in Dullard's room), then go
to the arena to fight the Village People.
This is a tough battle. The Village People's dreaded
YMCA combo attack will take off over 3,000 HP, and they can
also attack individually. Fortunately, you can see if they're
going to use YMCA because they start dancing -- if they do,
be sure to use one of the Kool-Aid Pitchers to heal up.
Use Groin Shredder to attack, and concentrate on taking out
the cop, as he has the least HP. Once he's gone, they can't
use YMCA any more, and things calm down. Then attack the
biker, then the Indian, and finally the construction worker.
After defeating the Village People, heal up and go to
the bulletin board. Kain beat the Ninja Turtles, so that
means you'll be facing him in the final round. Save, then
go to the arena and fight him.
Because this is the final round, neither of you can use
magic, so just use regular attacks. Kain spends most of the
time stealing your items, which is annoying but not particularly
harmful (unless he steals your Jello Packet or something).
After you do enough damage to him, he will declare that he
can't lose, and turn into a woodchuck! A Chucktaur (half
horse, half woodchuck), to be exact. Since Kain cheated, you
can too. Use Descension with the Gross and Mutation genes,
and start attacking (you still can't use *magic*-magic). It
only takes a couple hits to "win" -- but Kain will unleash his
JuryX spell on you, and knock Dullard out.
Dullard wakes up back in his room and finds Pokérman there.
Pokérman says that he felt sorry for getting Dullard in trouble,
and came to help him escape. He joins up. Save, then go
to Limb Guy's office. As you arrive, Kain will be coming out,
yelling at Limb Guy that he won and should be able to escape.
Seeing you, he informs you that Limb Guy won't let him leave
even though he won, and suggests teaming up to beat up Limb Guy.
If you forgot to do something, say you're not ready yet.
Otherwise, agree and you will go in Limb Guy's office to fight
Dullard should use Descension with some genes and use some
ability (uh, I'm lazy, just pick some). Pokérman is darn near
worthless, but have him use his Cup spell to heal people. Kain
should steal from Limb Guy until you get the Assassin Swatter,
then use Descension (which he can now cast). Kain's Descension
works differently from Dullard's; you get no choice of Genes, and
instead always turn into a berserk Chucktaur. It is, however,
very powerful.
After you defeat Limb Guy, he will say that he will destroy
with the power of the Kidney Stone. He then uses the Candy Corn
stone to turn into the Great Pumpkin. The Great Pumpkin is really
big, so you have to fight in your Gears, on the roof of the
This battle is tough, because you're stuck with some sucky
Gears (Pokérman R and the Fork of Doom). The best strategy is to
have Dullard use Kool-Aid Flash to hopefully blind the Great
Pumpkin. If you manage to blind it, it can't attack, and can
only use its Orbital Pumpkin Bomb, which looks cool but doesn't
do very much damage. As for Pokérman and Kain, have Kain attack
and Pokérman use Slot -- hopefully he will get something good
(don't count on it). Every time you hit the Great Pumpkin, one
of the little pumpkins surrounding it will explode. Once you've
taken out all the little pumpkins, you can attack the Great
Pumpkin, but it will regenerate one pumpkin each turn, so you
need to keep attacking. If you can manage to blind the Great
Pumpkin, you should be able to win.
After you defeat Limb Guy's Kidney transformation, he / it
will explode, leaving behind the Candy Corn Kidney Stone, which
you then get. Kain suddenly goes psycho again and runs off,
despite Dullard's pleas for him to stay. Pokérman then says to
Dullard that he's chartered a limo to take them back across the
desert and up to the Nameless Imperial Capital. You automatically

%%%BREAKWIND TAKES TO THE SKIES%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Dullard and Pokérman arrive at the Nameless Imperial Capital,
only to find the place is nothing but rubble. Look around until
you run into the rest of the party and Poppin Fresh. Poppin Fresh
explains that the Empire has moved its capital to the forested
Southern Continent because this site had bad feng shui. However,
no ships run down there because of the current, so you need a
plane. Johnny says he has an idea and that they should go to
Noodleheim. You then get your whole party back, now including
Poppin Fresh! You now have all the main characters! (i.e.,
everybody but the errant Kain)
Poppin Fresh can use both swords and axes -- axes are stronger,
but halve his speed. As for magic, he uses very powerful
call spells. You don't learn the call spells by going up levels,
you have to have find them. Poppin Fresh starts with only one
of them, Cup o' Ramuh. PF's gear is the Jolly Green Giant,
which isn't that good. However, he kicks tail on foot.
Head down to the Crappy Mining Town, which still sells
nothing but crappy equipment, and take the train to the ruins of
Noodleheim. From here, cross the bridge to Azul. The shops in
Azul still sell the same stuff, so just go to the crashed flying
saucer. Johnny asks Cid if he can repair the saucer. Cid says
of course, he can, after all:

"He is...."
"...a man..."
"...of the sea!"

However, Cid says that he needs some parts, and sends you
to the Space Station Mir to get them. To do this requires a
number of steps. First, if you go back to Azul, you'll find
there's a science fiction convention going on, but you can't get
in unless you're dressed like a science fiction character.
...go to the Pastel Woods and enter the Buffalo Warren.
As soon as you enter, you'll be captured by a buffalo shaman
known as Jumbo Mumbo (he's very fat). He will take you to
the secret buffalo beer tent, where Jumbo Mumbo tosses you
into a cooking pot. Use the Shrinking Potion to escape.
Dullard then automatically runs into a hole in the wall.
You now have to make your way through a maze, eating
mushrooms to restore Dullard to normal size. If you go back
into any room you've visited, Jumbo Mumbo will catch you and
you die. Go up two screens, left two, down one, left four,
and up one (make sure to eat all the mushrooms along the way!).
Go up the ladder back into the beer tent (you can only climb
the ladder if you're normal size) and you'll have to fight
Jumbo Mumbo.
Jumbo Mumbo can cast Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo
Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo, as well as Grazing
Gaze, which causes blindness and sometimes stone. He's
not very tough, though. After defeating him, you'll get
a Second Head accessory. This can be equipped to boost your
intelligence, but it has another use as well... getting into
the sci-fi convention.
Equip the Second Head and a Third Hand on Dullard (or any
other character) and go back to Azul. With the head and hand,
Dullard will be admitted into the convention as he looks like
Zaphod Beeblebrox. Go upstairs and open the chest for the
Flash Boomerang for Pokérman, then go down to the basement,
where you'll find a model rocket about to take off. Use the
Shrinking Potion and run inside.
The rocket takes off, and you have to take over the controls
in five minutes (before it crashes). Just climb up the ladders;
the two doors lead to chests with an Ion Cannon (good gun for
Johnny) and a Pitcher of Kool-Aid. At the top, you have to
enter the Really Secret Code to reset the rocket's path. Note
that you have to RESET the path... so hit the Reset button on
the PlayStation. Don't worry, the game won't reset, you'll
just take over to the rocket and fly it to the Mir.
The model rocket crashes through the Mir, and you climb
out and return to normal size. Dullard apologizes to a nearby
cosmonaut for "thmathing" through the wall, but the cosmonaut
shrugs it off as something that happens every week. Talk to
the other cosmonaut, who sells items. However, it's just the
Crappy items (this is the Mir, what do you expect?), but there's
a new Crappy item: the Crappy Spaceship Parts. Buy them, then
use the Shrinking Potion and hop back in your rocket. (BE SURE
you have the parts or you'll have to do the rocket sequence
over again!).
You'll land back at Azul. Take the Crappy Spaceship Parts
to Cid and he'll fix up the UFO. You can then fly in it! Since
you're using crappy Mir parts, however, the UFO can't fly very
high. Thus, it can only fly over water, grass, ice, and desert,
and not forests and mountains. You can also only land on grass
(not ice or desert).
Where you need to go next is the Southern Continent, but
there's a couple side trips you can make. First of all, you
can fly back to the Formaldehydian continent. You can also go
back to the Tin Saucer and play its lousy bonus games. Also,
if you go back to Cosmo Mountain (just fly into the mountain
with the UFO and you'll land there), you can go to the temple
where Sage Bubba is. Mr. Bubbles will be here in Bubba's
abscene. Talk to him and he'll ask if you need his help. Say
"Yes" and you get the Mr. Bubbles call spell! Coyness!

%%%GUARANTEED TO CATCH THEIR HEART%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Fly down to the Southern Continent. It's mostly covered
with jungle, and the only place you can land is on a smally
grassy plain on the northeast corner. Land, and then enter
the nearby town, New Formaldehyde. When you get here, a guard
will greet you and explain that they've built a new town / base
to attack the Nameless Imperial Capital #2. Poppin Fresh will
head off to report to the king, and then you can walk around.
Head to the "castle" (more like a fort) at the north end
of town and go up to the second floor. PF is here, talking to
the King. The King thanks Dullard for all he's done and asks
him if he wants to join a special LANDSLIDE task force with
Poppin. You can choose "Yes" or "No", but if you say "No",
the King will say "That's the wrong answer" and ask you again
until you say "Yes". After agreeing to join LANDSLIDE, Poppin
will rejoin you. The King says that the path into the deeper
jungle is blocked by a, well, landslide, and LANDSLIDE can't
get by (ironic, huh?). He does offer to give you another Gear
tuneup, and again you're forced to agree.
The King leaves you at a loss as to what to do, but if
you talk to people in the town, you'll find about some other
places on this continent -- the Platypus Village to the west,
the Red Tape Swamp to the east, and the Shinsplint ruins in
the jungle. You can also buy very powerful (but expensive!)
Styrofoam equipment, and in one of the houses, you'll run into
Chef Boyardee. Remember where he is; he'll be important later.
First, head south and east along the edge of the jungle
until "Shinsplint" appears, then enter. This place is optional,
but you can get some good loot by clearing it out, as well as
more cash to buy stuff back in New F. Some of the better items
include the Silence Harp, the Disharmony Armor, an okay yo-yo
for Pokérman (the Starlight Yo-Yo), and the COLD Bazooka for
Johnny (better than the Doberman Launcher sold in town). You
can also pick up the Good Breath enemy skill from the Mall Balls
(the big plants with shopping bags). At the end, you'll come to
a big empty room. Keep walking in and out of here until you see
a giant woodchuck with a bull's head. Walk up to it to fight
The Gorgon Woodchuck is really tough. It will use its Stone
Gaze o' Doom to turn your characters to stone, hits hard, and
has a high defense. Use Dullard, Chartreuse XXVI, and Lucille.
Dullard should use Groin Shredder (you want to be able to use
items, so don't use Descension). Chartreuse should cast Cheese
Aura, then heal. Use Acupuncture to cure the stoned people (if
Chartreuse gets turned to stone, use Wonderbread to cure him).
Lucille should cast Flying Toaster on the Gorgon Woodchuck, and
use Loss of Torso and Loss of Limb to lower the Gorgon's stats.
After defeating the Gorgon Woodchuck, you'll receive the Minotaur
Go back to New Formaldehyde to get healed, then head west
through the grass until you get to a small patch of forest.
Enter it, it's Platypus Village. However, everyone here has
been stoned (probably by the Gorgon Woodchuck). Thus, you need
the Sobriety Potion to de-stone them. Head back to New
Formaldehyde and talk to Chef Boyardee. He'll make you a
Sobriety Potion if you bring him the necessary ingreidents:
Eye of Newt, Moleckerel, Caraway Seeds, and a Horse.

o HORSE. To get the horse, go all the back to Rocket Town,
where you'll find Cid's Tiny Bronco has had colts. Get
one of them and that's your horse.

o EYE OF NEWT. This one's pretty tricky. Go back to the
desert and wander around until Newt Gingrich shows up again.
Use the Eye Gouge spell on him and you'll get the Eye of
Newt (oddly, he still has both his eyes after you get it
-- guess the programmers were getting tired).

o CARAWAY SEEDS. You can't get back into the Imperial Prison
to get the ones you used there, but someone mentions that caraway
seeds grow on the rare Red Tape plant. So head to the Red
Tape Swamp east of New Formaldehyde. This place is pretty
tricky; you have to use the Spring Shoes to jump around on the
rocks. Occasionally, you'll run into Mr. Yuk being attacked
for no apparent reason by the Man Without A Country; attack
and defeat the MWAC without harming Mr. Yuk, and Mr. Yuk will
thank you, and you get the Mr. Yuk call spell. Anyway, you'll
eventually find the Red Tape plant. When you try to take it, a
phoenix named Sue Zaku appears out of nowhere and attacks you.
Use ice attacks (Lucille's Haillation works great if she's learned it)
to beat her. Do NOT use physical attacks or you will be hurt by
Sue's barrier of fire. After defeating Sue, you get the Caraway

o MOLECKEREL. As someone in town mentions, Moleckerel can only
be found on an island east of the Volcano back at (old)
Formaldehyde. Get in your UFO and fly to the island. On the
island is the lab of the noted inventor Emmomucca. She can't do
anything for you right now, but if you search the pots in her
house, you can get the Dynamite Boomerang for Pokérman. Then
just head to the mole-whacking spot and whack until you get
a Moleckerel.

Take your ingredients back to Chef Boyardee and he'll whip
up your Sobriety Potion. Then go to Platypus Village and examine
the well. Dullard will pour the potion in the water, and the
platypuses will drink it.
After the platypuses recover, go talk to the platypus chief.
He says he has no idea what was going on (because he was stoned),
and asks Dullard. Dullard says that the platypuses were stoned,
but he cured them. The Chief thanks Dullard, and gives him a
gift -- the Power Glove, which you can use to smash the boulder
blocking the path. He also asks Dullard to help them figure
out what they were doing and direct them, since none of them
have any memory. You can now build a town in the Platypus
Village by assigning platypuses to different jobs. (See the
"Platypus Village" section for more info)


Go to the Jungle Trail and use your Power Glove to smash
through the boulder. Poppin Fresh will then warn you to be
careful in the jungle; he's heard there's dinosaurs in there.
He then gives Dullard a map of the jungle you can enter.
Press select to look at the map. You start at the trail
on the bottom, and your goal is to reach the X at the top. To
do this, you have to run through endless screens of identical
forest trails. There are a few landmarks along the way, like
a big Easter Island moai head, but none of them have any purpose.
On one of the paths, though, there is a green chest in the middle
of some green bushes on the green grass with the green leaves
blowing by in the foreground that holds the Spear Mint for Cid.
Good luck seeing it, though. Oh, and you can learn the Green
Wind enemy skill for Johnny from the Goat Monkeys here.
Eventually (after what seems like a couple hours), you'll
come to a temple inhabited by warrior monks. They tell you about
Smidlock Factory, the Empire's main gear factory, which is
located to the north, and about the fact that a dinosaur has
taken over their underground well. Go talk to the monk leader,
and the following

DULLARD: Hello. I'm the Legendary Hero.
MONK: Don't try to fool me. You're just some bum.
DULLARD: No! I'm really the Legendary Hero! Look, I have the
Ye Olde Legendarrye Thworde!
MONK: How did you get that? And what is that Flam scum doing
in here?
TIM: Oooh! Oooh! Can I blow this guy up?
POPPIN FRESH: Hey, guys, I bet this is some misunderstanding that
turns out revealing some key plot point.
MONK: Shut up! (kicks PF in the stomach)
POPPIN FRESH: Awwwww....
DULLARD: (yells somethng completely unintelligible and turns into
a woodchuck)
MONK: What? You're a member of The Warren? I'm sorry, I didn't
POPPIN FRESH: I told you so...
MONK: Shut up! (kicks PF in the stomach)
POPPIN FRESH: Awwwww....
MONK: We monks are descended from The Warren. During Ye Olde War,
we gave up our power and exiled ourselves to this temple to
avoid destruction by the Flams.
DULLARD: Why did the Flamth dethtroy The Warren? Enquring mindth
want to know!
MONK: The Flams sucked the life energy out of The Warren, and
destroyed all that stood in their path.
JOHNNY: I be hearin' that somewhere befo'....
MONK: They attacked suddenly and without warning. We still don't
know what their motivation was.
LUCILLE: They didn't!
MONK: I just said they did, didn't I?
ZITTI: I have to go to the bathroom.
DULLARD: What about Graph?
MONK: He is the GenericLord, the leader of the Flams. He was the
head of the plan to eradicate The Warren.
DULLARD: Why would the Flamth want to dethtroy the Warren?
MONK: I don't know. But Graph is the head of Smidlock Factory
to the north. Capture him and I believe you will find the
answers to your questions.

Anyway, you can rest at the temple, and there's a Save Dog
in the first room. If you talk to one of the monks, he will
offer to sell you "something good" for 30,000 nudeln. Don't buy
it, it's just an Oak Boomerang, which isn't as good as the Dynamite
one you picked up at Emmomucca's house. If you go north from the
temple, you'll end up outside Smidlock Factory. The gang will talk
about how it will tough be break into the factory because of all
the Gears there, but they can't use their own Gears as they can't
fit through the forest. Lucille says it would be useful if they
could grow to the *size* of Gears.
Now, what you are supposed to do next is go back to the
alchemist in Iyar to get a Growth Potion. She, however, will send
you to find some contaminated water to make the potion with. Said
water is located right at the temple, so DON'T LEAVE (or you'll
have to go through the #*!$% jungle again). Instead, go back to
the temple and go down the stairs. Read the plaque on the wall,
which tells you to go up to the door and hit the right sequence of
buttons to play a melody to unlock it. Just hold down the X
button. You'll start hearing a beeping sound; keep holding X.
The screen will suddenly go blank and the music will stop. Push
the buttons randomly and the picture will come back, but the door
will now be open. Go through into the underground well.
The cave attached to the shrine is filled with several dead
bodies. You can get some Breath Mints and French Bread from the
bodies, and there's a chest with the Tree Branch for Lucille
along the way. Go through the cave (the Blink Leeches can blind
you, but that's all they can do) and you'll find a river at the
end. Go up to it and Loveiathan (Barney) will come out and
attack you.
Barney is weak against Spam attacks, so use the Bone gene
and attack with Dark Blast, and bring Lucille and Cid to use
Spamblast and Acidic Flatulence. Barney has a variety of nasty
attacks, including Big Hug, which halves one character's HP and MP
(be ready to use the Breath Mints and French Bread you found);
Sickeningly Cute Song, which poisons the whole party; Pledge
Break, which steals money from you; and I Love You, You Love Me,
which causes one of your characters to attack the other two and
themself (like Flea's Waltz of the Wind in Chrono Trigger).
Barney is a tough boss, but fortunately the dungeon is easy
to get through again if you do die. After defeating him, he'll
say "That was a despicable thing to do to your old friend Barney!"
and will tell you to say you're sorry. If you do, you will get
the Loveiathan call spell (heals the whole party), but you won't
be able to get the Captain Crunch call spell later. If you refuse
to apologize, Dullard will kill Barney, and you will get the
Barneyskin Rug (as well as the ability to get Captain Crunch
later). Anyway, after the Loveiathan sequence ends, you'll get
the Contaminated Water.
Go back up to the temple and talk to the monks; they'll thank
you for clearing up the water supply, and the head monk will
reforge the Masamurasamemune (if you have it) into the Paddleball
Scimitar, a powerful sword that hits twice (once with the sword
and once with the paddleball). Now go back to Smidlock Factory
and head north past the factory to a small clearing. Use your
PMS phone to summon the UFO and get beamed up. You will appear
on the world map over New Formaldehyde. Fly back to Iyar, go to
the alchemist's shop, and get the Growth Potion. It works like
the Shrinking Potion, except you get bigger, not smaller.
Potion in hand, go back to New Formaldehyde and work your
way through the stupid jungle to Smidlock. Use the Growth Potion,
then jump through the hatch marked "Gear Bay". You'll land
inside the factory. This place is HUGE! Here's a rough map
of the layout.

/---------\ /----------\ /---------\ /----------\
| Hangar | 1F | Research | | Admini- | 2F |Another |
|(start) |_____| Lab | |-stration|_____|Rm Everybdy
| | | Hates |
\------- ----------/ \------- ----------/
\ Tran- / \ Tran- /
/ -sport\ / -sport\
/------- ----------\ /------- ----------\
| Pointless ____ | | ____ Assembly |
| Pipe | | Infirmary| | Factory | | Plant |
| Maze | | | | | | |
\---------/ \----------/ \---------/ \----------/

Basically, you have to collect the Wings, Arms, Eyes, Nose,
Toe, and Spinal Cord of the facotry (one from each room except
the Infirmary and Hangar) and put them in the transporter, which
will then let you go to the 3rd floor to face Graph. You start
in the Hangar. Just walk southeast until you get to the
Transport room (watch out for the enemy Gears; they're pretty
In the Transport chamber, you can push the red button to
go up to the second floor, or the green button to exit back to
the Hangar. If you change the dial on the wall to a different
direction, you will go there when you press the green button
(i.e, set it to the lower-right to go to the Infirmary). There
is a blue button, but it doesn't do anything until you get the
six Elemental Doohickeys of Magic and put them in the appropriate
slots. First, go to the Infirmary, where you can rest, save,
and also buy some Gear items (Jumper Cables and the like).
Your first destination should be the Pointless Pipe Maze.
Basically, you have to climb in and out a bunch of pipes that
look ripped from like 8 other RPGs. There are no enemies while
in the pipes, though, and you can find a Battle Axe for Poppin
if you look around. Eventually, you'll come to a statue.
Examine it and...

STATUE: Greetings, last of the Flams.
STATUE: In order to obtain the Toe, you must past a test.
LUCILLE: A test?
STATUE: Yes. Give a concise explanation of the sociopolitical
factors that led to the fall of the Roman Empire.
CHARTREUSE: (gives lengthy answer)
STATUE: Very good. Here is the Toe.

After you get the Toe, run back through the maze to the
transporter, stop by the Infirmary, and then go to the Research
Lab. This place is pretty weird. There are a bunch of SD
scientists walking in place; if you talk to any of them, they
will say something that makes no sense, make a weird sound,
and turn into a monster that you have to fight. Anyway, just
go to the room with the bookshelves and examine the book on
the table. You will be sucked inside and end up standing on
a platform with twelve chests in a circle (like a clock).
Open the chests at the 3 o' clock, 5 o' clock, and 8 o' clock
positions (yes, this solution is just totally random) and a
chest with the Wings will appear. Get it and you will be
teleported back into the lab. Return to the transporter.
Next, use the red button to change floors and go to the
Factory. Find the four big pistons and use the Power Glove
to smash them (there's also a chest with the Off-White Bow
in the upper-left corner). Once all four have been disabled,
a staircase will inexplicably appear in the center. Go up
and you'll see five statues. Read the plaque for instructions
-- you have to put the red statue on the red switch, the blue
statue on the blue switch, and the green statue on the green
switch. But what about the yellow statue and the black statue?
Well, push the black statue on the invisible switch in the
upper-left corner and blow up the yellow statue with your bombs.
This will randomly cause a chest to fall down with the Arms.
Get it and go back to the transporter.
Up next -- the Assembly Plant. There are a lot of powerful
enemy Gears here. Flip the upper-left switch, the switch near
the white crate, and the rightmost swtich to properly arrange
the conveyor belts. Then go up to where the conveyor belt with
the parts is coming in and use the Shrinking Potion to go through
the hole. You will see some parts dropping down a chute onto the
start of the conveyor. Toss a bomb on the conveyor. If you
arranged the conveyor right, it will be carried to a wall and
blow it up. Go through the hole and open the chest for the
Eyes. Then flip the rightmost switch, the switch nearest the
hole you made, and the switch on top of the stack of crates (use
the SpringShoes), and toss another bomb on to blow open another
hole. Go through that hole and open the chest for the Electron
Two more to go... next up is Another Room Everybody Hates.
There are a whole bunch of lettered blocks here; you have to
jump on them in the correct order. If you jump on the wrong
block, you'll be dropped into a pit trap and end up in the middle
of the Pointless Pipe Maze. Also, to get between letters, you
have to jump on appearing and disappearing blocks with perfect
timing or you will land on the wrong letter. By now, I'm sure
you're wondering what the correct code is. The code is "I HATE
THIS INFERNAL ROOM!!" (be sure to get both exclamation marks).
Upon entering it, a chest will fall down and you will have to do
some more block-hopping to reach it (don't fall now!). It has
the Nose inside.
The final room is the Administraion Area, which is actually
a series of rooms. First, to get in, you have to run eighty
laps around the lobby. After doing that, talk to the guy
guarding the door and he will let you into the Maze of Lost
Keys. Go into all the cubicles until you find Mayor Parcheesi,
who says that Dullard is an impostor and he is the REAL hero
of Beath of Flams. Beat him up (he's a wimp) and his assistant
Lung will come out from under the desk. Lung says he's thinking
of a number between 1 and 800 and asks you to guess it. Keep
guessing until you get it right, and Lung will give you the
Sam Spade Key. Use the Sam Spade Key to unlock the Locked
Cubicle of Doom (for some reason, the key disappears after you
use it) and go inside. A guy will run in ask you to hunt for
his lost coupons, which are scattered in obscure places all over
the maze. Cid will punch him out. Search the desk for the
Club Soda Key. Use the Club Soda Key to get into the presentation
room, where you'll see a model of Smidlock Factory. Go into
one of the doors (the only unlocked one), get the Smidlock Parts,
and put them in the model to open another door (it's random).
Go in there, get the Smidlock Parts, yadda yadda yadda. After
fully completing the model, you'll get the Baseball Diamond Key
and the Komodo Claws for Chartreuse. Use the Baseball Diamond
Key to open the locked (huh?) bathroom and stand on the toilet.
Using the SpringShoes, jump up and down on the toilet until it
collapses. Water will start spraying up and propel you through
the ceiling into another office. Get the Heart of Darkness Key,
jump down the hall, and use it to open the door to the lounge.
Try to buy a soda, and the machine will break. Keep kicking it
until the Spinal Cord pops out. Get it.
Now you FINALLY have all the Smidlock parts. Go put them
in the transporter and you will receive the Metal Woodchuck
Gene. Then hit the green button. You will go up to Graph's
office, where you encounter Graph. After this huge dungeon, you
don't even get to fight him. Instead, he just summons an Evil
Omen Goat Monkey, says "You can't win this battle!" and runs away.
Graph is right about the battle; you can't win it. The EOGM will
use MegaSpamblast to kill your party on his first turn. Then the
Kool-Aid Pitcher guy appears, revives you, and says you need a jolly
yet annoying sidekick to get by here. Just then, the jolly yet
annoying sidekick comes in and joins you. Give him a name, put him
in your party (he uses Wax Lips for weapons), and fight the EOGM
This time, you can win. Use the jolly yet annoying
sidekick's Annoyance spell to lower the EOGM's defense greatly,
attack with Dullard, and have Johnny cast Epsilon. You can learn
the L.? ???? enemy skill from him, which doesn't seem to do
anything. Alternately, you could use Poppin Fresh, and Fusion
into Cheeseasaurus Rex, who can cast Wave of Cheese, a
Jello-elemental attack. But you won't learn L.? ???? this way.
The Evil Omen Goat Monkey can cast Diarrhea Song, Poisonous Breath,
Sleep Tongue, and even Bad Toast Spray. Once you do enough damage
the EOGM will turn red. Now use Dullard's Descension with the Flame
and Bone genes, because the EOGM will begin using the strong fire
spell Burning Anvil and the stronger spam spell Mold Gun. Hit the
Evil Omen Goat Monkey with all you've got, and when you beat the
Great Spam Demon you'll get a Spam Watch.
After the battle, open the two chests in the back for a
Spork for Dullard, which is slightly stronger than the Paddleball
Scimitar but doesn't hit twice (don't use it), and the Toaster Uzi
for Johnny, which is weak but randomly casts BadToastSpray (don't
use it either). Then go back to the transporter and GET ALL THE
SMIDLOCK PARTS. Each one will absorb a certain element if equipped.
Then press the white button (which wasn't there before) to teleport

%%%WELCOME TO THE EMPIRE%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

If you want to, go to the clearing and use your PMS Phone to
call the UFO (if you want to do something outside the jungle).
Then go back to the temple and talk to the monks. They have
finished digging a tunnel into the Imperial Capital itself. Go
down into the room where you had to play the music and you'll see
an exit to the west. Go through there and follow the tunnel
until you get to some stairs. Go up them and you'll be in the
Nameless Imperial Capital (No. 2).
The Capital itself is just a regular town. You should
already have picked up most of the weapons in Smidlock, but you
can buy Happy armor, which absorbs jello attacks. Don't; you'll
be getting better armor shortly. If you go to the inn, you'll
find it's free. Obviously, it's a trick, but you have to stay
there. During the night, someone will take all your money and
the two Kidney Stones. Dullard wakes up just in time to see
the Greeks running away. Chase them down the stairs and outside
(oddly, it's night outside, even though it is usually always
Just chase the Greeks around the town. They'll stop
running and just stand there, but as soon as you get close to
them, will run away again. The idea is to chase them into the
alley behind the weapon shop, where you'll trap them. Elmer
Fudd escapes over a back fence, leaving you to fight the Spice
This is a really tough fight. The Spice Girls will use
their Girl Power attack, which does 3000+ damage to the party.
Chartreuse is essential here; have him cast Really Big Heal
(or Really, REALLY, Big Heal if he has it) every turn. Use
Kool-Aid Pitchers when necessary. Dullard should use Groin
Shredder and concentrate on taking out Baby Spice, who has the
least HP; once she's gone, they can't use Girl Power. For the
third character, use either Lucille, Pokérman, or Johnny. If
you use Lucille, have her cast ThisMoment and use heal spells
(to get two turns in a row), allowing Chartreuse to use Rava
Brraire or Rava Lawl to boost your magic defense. If you use
Johnny, have him cast Diarrhea Song on the Spice Girls to give
them the diarrhea condition. Then just keep healing until the
diarrhea goes off and they die. As for Pokérman, have him use
the Star Wars tarot card to summon Biggs and Wedge, who will take
a Girl Power for you, and keep recasting it.
After defeating the Spice Girls, you'll get your money back,
but Fudd took off with the Kidney Stones. Dullard says that
they have to chase him. First, go back to the inn and stay.
Despite you needing to urgently chase Fudd, you can rest at the
inn, and it will still be nighttime when you get up. Er...
Anyway, go to the palace, and you'll see Fudd has left the
gates open. It's not too hard to figure out what to do here:
enter. The Imperial Palace has really annoying music that
keeps repeating over and over. Just ignore it and poke around,
collecting chests. There's some nudeln, an Armor Refit, a
Jello Packet, and the Heaven's Crowd sword for Dullard. Then
go into the left tower. Go up to the 4th floor (there's a couple
puzzles along the way) and flip the switch. The Stinky Cheese
Man will appear and attack you.
The Stinky Cheese Man is weak against Jello attacks, so
use Dullard's Jello Cut (if you have it) and have the Sidekick
Agree with it. Don't use Spam attacks on him; he'll absorb
them. After defeating the Stinky Cheese Man, you'll receive
the Magic Lips for the sidekick, and the door to the right tower
will open. Go in there and go up a couple floors to the
switch. Hit it and you'll be attacked by Darkwing Duck.
Darkwing Duck is a lot tougher than the Stinky Cheese Man.
He uses his Quack From Beyond or Tornado Move to paralyze you,
and uses Poison Shot to poison you. Equip Athtlete's Feet
to protect from the paralysis and pound on him with earth
attacks (Wrath of Your Mom, Bean Flatulence, etc.). After he
goes down, you get the Slowsilver gun for Johnny. You then
see a brief cutscene in which Fudd delivers the Kidney Stones
to the Emperor. The Emperor says they should hurry to the
Escher Temple and "raise the lost city". Bozo says he'll
initiate the palace's self-destruct mode to destroy the
good guys (i.e., you).
As soon as this scene ends, a timer will come up. You
have ten minutes to finish the dungeon (don't worry, this
isn't very hard at all). Go to the main gate, which is now
open. Go through and save your game at the Save Dog. Then go
up a couple floors to the throne room, which is empty.
Quickly use the Growth Potion and push the throne while in
big mode. It will move, revealing a staircase. Go down
into a hangar where the main Empire guys (the Nameless Emperor,
General Leer, Bozo, Elmer Fudd, and Archmage Soho) are getting
onto their top-secret spaceship, the Virtola Fighter.
Johnny will run in (if he's not in your party) and start
yelling at Bozo. Bozo will draw his gun and challenge Johnny
to a slow-draw contest. The idea here is to be the last to
draw your gun (by pushing Triangle). So just sit and do
nothing. After time is almost up on the self-destruct
countdown, Bozo will get desperate and shoot Johnny. You win
the slow draw contest, but Johnny is wounded. Bozo is about
to finish him off, but Leer urges him (Bozo) to leave Johnny
alone and get on the plane. Bozo then shoots Leer and kills
him! (oh no, I can hear the rumors starting already). The
remaining Empire guys jump on the Virtola Fighter and fly off.
Your party is suddenly teleported away... and you end up in
Sage Bubba's cabin on the Beath of Flams.

BUBBA: Hoo hoo ho! Welcome back!
JOHNNY: Urggh... (falls down)
ZITTI: ...!
TIM: ...
(Pokérman casts a spell. A ray of light comes down and Johnny
is healed.)
POPPIN FRESH: How did you do that, Pokérman?
CID: (emits gas)
BUBBA: Didn't you know?
DULLARD: Know what?
BUBBA: Pokérman is the guardian of the Yellow Chair. He is an
ancient creature descended from the days of the Flams.
DULLARD: How come nobody tellth me theeth thingth?
BUBBA: Hoo hoo ho!
JOHNNY: Uh.... (sits up)
ZITTI: It looks like Johnny is ok.
TIM: Really? What tipped you off?
DULLARD (to Pokérman): But... if you're the anthient guardian,
then how come you're tho utheleth?
POKÉRMAN: I-a saved you from-a the coliseum, and-a now you-a
go and-a say snotty stuff like-a that.
BUBBA: There's no time for chit-chat.
TIM: Seems like you're the one who started this conversation.
BUBBA: The Empire has gone to the Escher Temple to find the
Yellow Chair and revive the lost city of Sherbet. Hoo
hoo ho! You must stop them.
POPPIN FRESH: So that's what the Empire is up to...
POKÉRMAN: Let's a-go!
LUCILLE: I'd better come along too.

You're stuck with the party of Dullard, Pokérman, and
Lucille. Save, then go to the Escher Temple and return to
the altar where Bozo tried to kill Lucille. When you get here,
Lucille will pray, and a circle of light will appear. Step
into it, and you will be teleported into the Plaid Catacombs,
where all the walls are plaid.
This place isn't too much of a maze; you can basically go
straight. There's a few detours for chests -- the Summer Gun
Clip (whatever that is) for Chartreuse, and the Battle Yo-Yo
for Pokérman -- and some puzzles. The trickiest one has four
switches you have to put blocks on, but one three blocks; so
use the Power Glove to knock down the pillar and it wall fall
on one of the switches. Then put the blocks on the other
switches. When you see a mouse come running out of a hole, use
the Shrinking Potion and go in the hole for a Jello Packet.
Eventually you'll come to a big pit with lots of little
ledges with posts; use the Hookshot to navigate around these.
Go right, right, up, up, left, up and left, up, right, right,
up and right, and then up to get to the door. Go through,
save your game at the Save Dog, and continue into the inner
sanctum. As soon as you get in here, Dullard will remark that
Kain must be around because his theme music is playing. Then
the Rendition gear comes smashing out of the floor and makes
a huge hole. Quickly use the Flying Cape to hover; otherwise,
you will fall in the hole and die. The LEG will come out of the
ground, and Pokérman will say that the Rendition, built by the
Evil Omen Goat Monkeys, is the evil twin of the LEG and that the
LEG was created to destroy it. You then have to fight a Gear
All three of your characters are riding in the LEG.
Periodically during the battle, the Rendition will use a spell
to disable both Gears, and your team will climb up on top of
the LEG to fight Kain, who climbs up on top of the Rendition.
If you want to get Kain in your party, DO NOT ATTACK HIM. Only
attack the Rendition when Kain is inside. When you're up on
top, just defend and heal. This battle goes on for a long time,
but it isn't too tough if you have plenty of curative items.
Eventually, the Rendition will start to explode. If you didn't
attack Kain, he will leap out of the Rendition and run off. If
you attacked him even once, he will go down with the Rendition.
You then cut to a scene in which the Emperor and his
cohorts discover the Yellow Chair (it's just a normal-looking
plastic yellow chair). Archmage Soho uses the twelve Kidney
Stones, and the Yellow Chair starts to glow. You then see
another scene in which the flying city of Sherbet rises out of
the ring of land in the center of the map (labelled "This Is
NOT An Ominous Ring Of Land" on the map that comes with the
game). Pokérman then runs in his giant form to protect the
Chair. The Nameless Emperor uses a Zodiac Stone, and ends up
turning into a giant fish, which starts flopping around and
dying due to the lack of air.

NAMELESS EMPEROR: What... I thought this was the Viagra Stone...
not... Aquarium...
BOZO: Mwah ha ha!
NAMELESS EMPEROR: What? Bozo? You've... betrayed... me?
BOZO: NEVER trust the Emperor's right hand man.
(Barney pops onto the screen)
BARNEY: That's a tip, kids. Write it down.
(Barney disappears)
(the Nameless Emperor dies)
BOZO: Uwa ha ha ha!
POKÉRMAN: You'll never get away with this!
ARCHMAGE SOHO: Who the hell are you?
(Soho shoots a beam at Pokérman and knocks him down. Pokérman
returns to normal size)

After Pokérman gets knocked out, Bozo, Soho, and Elmer Fudd
will escape through a passage in the back. Dullard and Lucille
enter, grab the unconscious Pokérman and the Aquarium stone, and
you have to chase them. Just run through the door, climb up the
long ladder, and go out the door. You'll be back on the world
map, near the Virtola Fighter. Go to the Virtola Fighter. Bozo,
Soho, and Fudd are here, along with the rest of the party, who have
taken over the Virtola Fighter. Seeing themselves trapped, the
Imperial guys teleport away.
You then gain control of the Virtola Fighter! The Jolly
Yet Annoying Sidekick leaves your party to pilot the Fighter
in a jolly yet annoying way; you can no longer use him. You
also can't use Pokérman, because he's unconscious. You can,
however, fly around in the Virtola Fighter. It can fly over
any terrain except mountains, and land on grass, desert, or
snow. (The UFO will mysteriously disappear once you get the
VF). Oh yeah, and if you go down to the engine room, you'll
find the Wing Gene sealed in some jello.

%%%THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT POKÉRMAN%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Now that you have the Virtola Fighter, there's a couple of
side quests you can do. First, if you go back to Iyar, you can
fight in the coliseum (see "The Coliseum" quest), and there's also
the Chef Boyardee side quest (see Side Quests section). Also,
if you go back to Timbuktu, you can talk to Captain Crunch to
get his call spell (but only if you didn't get Loveiathan).
Where you really want to go is the Frozen Northern Continent, on
which the Virtola Fighter can land (the UFO couldn't). First,
land at Frost Cabin (it's a bit down and right from the center)
and enter.
Despite being called Frost Cabin, this place is actually a
huge city. Go to the shop and pick up Cardboard equipment. It's
spendy, so you may need to get some money. There's a good place
to do so, just hang on. Be sure to save at least 50,000 nudeln.
Then find Volts the dwarven blacksmith. He'll offer to tune up
your Gears for 50,000 nudeln. Pay him to get your Gears up to
level 7.
Now go the HMO in this town. They won't help Pokérman because
it's not covered in his insurance policy. So cross town and go
to the insurance office. They won't upgrade Pokérman's insurance
policy because he smokes. Thus, you need to find a way to get
Pokérman to quit smoking.
Get back in the Virtola Fighter and fly southwest. Navigate
around the mountains (you'll have to fly out over the ocean and
back over land) until you see a big black castle. Land and
enter. This is Fort Nicotina, the base of the tobacco industry.
In the main room, you'll see two staircases and a Save Dog. Try
to go up either staircase and the party will decide to split up
to explore both towers. You then have to make two parties. Try
to make them both about equal in strength. There will be two
characters you don't use; make these Dullard and Zitti. In my
case, I had Poppin Fresh, Chartreuse, and Tim in one party and
Johnny, Cid, and Lucille in the other.
Start with the left tower team (when using whatever team
Johnny's is, make sure to have him learn Cancerlung from the
Chain-Smoking Chimeras). Go up three levels, enter the
door, and push the blocks into the shape of a skull. You will
hear a sliding sound. Switch to the right team, go up two floors,
enter the room that opened thanks to the skull puzzle. Swing
across the gap and open the chest for the 3-handed Demon Claws.
You now have no choice but to jump down the gap to return to the
first floor and go back up. Keep going until you reach a gong.
Use the Power Glove to ring it, then switch to the left tower
team. Go up two floors and hop on all the collapsing blocks in
a figure eight pattern (if you didn't ring the gong, one of the
blocks will be missing), ending on the far left block. A
teleporter will appear there.
Step on the teleport and you'll be teleported to a room
with a bunch of blobs. You can blow them up with bombs, but
they'll regenerate. The trick is to set up a chain of bombs
that will blow up all the blobs at once (Bomberman anyone?).
Doing so will cause a chest to fall down. Open it and you'll
receive the Fire Wand tool. Teleport out of this room, go down
a floor, and enter the room. Light the furnace with the Fire
Now switch over to the right-tower team. Go up a floor.
You'll see a chest surrounded by flames; you can't get to it
right now. Go up another floor into a dark room. Hit the light
switch next to you to turn the lights on (note that you have
to furnace on to do this). Carefully navigate through the maze
of holes to the stairs. In the next room, you will be separated
from a monster by wall, with a switch on the monster's side of
the wall. The monster does the mirror image of anything you do.
Try as you might, you cannot get the monster to step on the
switch. Instead, set a bomb. The monster will also set a bomb,
and blow itself up. When it does, the door will open. Go up
and use the Shrinking Potion to fall through the crack in the
floor. You'll land on the side of the previous room where the
monster was. Step on the switch and a teleporter will appear on
the other side. Break the wall with a bomb, then go over and
step on it.
You'll warp onto a bunch of clouds. Use the Flying Cape
to fly around between them and throw all the switches. Some of
the clouds are lower than others, and you can only fly downwards,
so be sure to get the top ones first. You'll have to use a cannon
to shoot yourself back to the top (sorry, I forgot the exact
solution to this puzzle). After hitting all the switches, a chest
will fall down with the Ice Wand. Teleport back, then go back
to the room with the chest surrounded by flames. Use the Ice
Wand on the flames to put them down and open the chest for the
Omelette, which protects against all status changes. Then go
up to the room with the crack in the floor and use the wand to
put out the flames around another gong. Ring the gong.
Switch back to the left tower team and go back to the
collapsing block room. There will be another block, jump over
to it and quickly use the Hookshot to swing to the stairs. Go
up one floor, use the Fire Wand to light all the ashtrays, and
some stairs will appear. Go up them and you'll be in a room with
a lot of sand and something burrowing it. You have to perfectly
time a bomb to hit the antlion. When it pops out of the ground,
quickly use the Power Glove to whack its head off. The head will
go flying and smash through a window, and rain will come in and
wash the sand away. It will reveal a switch. Stand on the switch.
Switch back to the right tower and go up another floor. There
will be a small pit with a row of blocks behind it. You can't
jump it (because of the blocks), so use the Growth Potion.
You're now big enough not to fall in the pit, so push one of
the blocks and make a path. Stand on the switch.
When both parties are standing on the switches, the main
door will open and your two unused characters (hopefully Dullard
and C26) will go through. You can use your Gears here, so do
so. Cross the snowfield until you get to the altar. Use a bomb
or the Power Glove to destroy it and the Marlboro Man will appear.
If you're in Gears, he'll hop in his Joe Camel Gear to fight you.
If not, he'll just taunt you, then attack on foot.
Surprisingly, Joe Camel is a lot easier to defeat than
the Marlboro Man, so be sure to be in your Gears! J.C. will use
Nicotine Injector to give you the "Addicted" status, which is
like poison but a lot stronger. The only way to cure it is with
Wonderbread. He also uses Minor Lock-On, which causes him to
attack any minors (Dullard, Lucille, Chartreuse [for his species]
and Zitti) a whole bunch of times by shooting cigarettes.
However, it's a missile attack, so just use the Hornet's ECM to
block it. Basically, have Kool-Aid Impact heal while the Hornet
attacks with Rail Cannon. He's pretty tough, but using ECM helps
a lot. After defeating him, you'll get the Patch. The party
will automatically return to the Virtola Fighter and use the
Patch to cure Pokérman's addiction. However, Pokérman is still
unconscious, so you need to take him to the HMO.
Before you do so, though, there's an optional side quest you
can do now that you have the two wands. Head northwest from
Frost Cabin and you'll find a small ice cave. Enter. Note that
all your characters will have 0 agility here, due to the ice.
This makes combat a pain, but can you get around it -- have Dullard
use the Eldredge gene, and he will be able to move at normal
In the entrance room, go left and bomb through the weak ice.
Go through, get the Peace Harp (which lowers enemy defense
significantly when you attack with it -- how do you attack with a
harp, anyway?). Then go back to the entrance room, go right, and
then head up until you get to a big chasm. Go left and up the
stairs. Go south to get the Frost Yo-Yo for Pokérman (when he
rejoins), then go back to the stairs, go right, and up to a big
block of ice. Walk up to it and you'll be attacked by an icicle
of all things. The icicle can't attack, so just use fire spells
on it to kill it. When the fight ends, use your Fire Wand on
the block of ice. It will melt and water will flow down through
a hole. Go back to the chasm and it will be filled up with water.
Use the Ice Wand to freeze it, and cross. You'll come up to a
monster with a huge stomach frozen in ice. Heal up, then use the
Fire Wand to free it, and you'll have to fight it -- it's the
Abdominal Snowman!
Dullard should attack with Groin Shredder (or, on the off
chance that he has it, Cinco Flores). Lucille should cast Disco
Inferno and heal, and Cid should use Chili Flatulence. The
Abdominal Snowman will use Barney's Big Hug, as well as Gut
Crush, which is just a physical attack. It can also summon
Abominable Sheep. When it does, kill off three of the four
sheep, but leave the other so the Abdominal Snowman won't summon
more. After defeating the Abdominal Snowman, go up into the
cave it was guarding, where you'll find the Snow gene encased
in jello. Get it.
On with the game. Go back to Frost Cabin and go to the
insurance company. Buy at least one insurance policy. You can
also equip the Insurance Policies as accessories; they're like
Saturday Night Fever, but they only bring you back with 1 HP. Then
go to the HMO. If you have at least 1 insurance policy, they'll
agree to treat Pokérman. Pokérman will be diagnosed with acute
unconsciousness and sent to have an operation. You will have to
pick one character to stay with him (except for Dullard, who the
HMO won't admit because he looks like a bum). PICK JOHNNY. You
then go to the operation room. Just stand around for a few
seconds, and the doctor will enter... it's Dr. Kevorkian! Kevorkian
says he'll use his chainsaw to make Pokérman "not unconscious," to
which Johnny replies, "Yeah, because he'll be dead instead!"
Pokérman suddenly wakes up, hops off the operating table, and he
and Johnny have to fight Kevorkian.
Big tip #1: DON'T ATTACK KEVORKIAN. All he does is cast
Big Gulp to drain your HP, and you'll end up hitting him for a
net loss every turn. Instead, just have Johnny cast Moderately
Large Guard and defend, while Pokérman uses Cup to heal.
Eventually, Kevorkian will get tired of casting Big Gulp and use
L.4 Suicide. Since Kevorkian's level is a multiple of 4, he will
die. (Hopefully, both of your characters are not at a multiple
of 4 or you'll die). Johnny will then learn L.4 Suicide.
Zitti will run into the room and say that something's wrong
with this place (what tipped her off?), then she joins. (If
you picked Zitti to stay with Pokérman, Johnny will run in
instead). Pokérman suddenly falls unconscious again, so you're
left with just Johnny and Zitti.
Head left and go in the second room you come to for a
Kool-Aid Pitcher, then go right. Most of the rooms just contain
bad guys; skip them unless you're low in experience. However,
the third room on the right from the operation room has a
Rusty Needle (big whoop), and the last one before the stairs
has a Port-a-Potty. On the second floor, the fifth room on
your right has the cool Stethoscope helmet, which lets you see
the enemies' HP. Then continue to the stairs to third floor.
(Note that if you punch the ice machine with the Power Glove,
some ice will come out, which you can then melt with the
Fire Wand. There's no reason to do this, but it's kind of
On the third floor, save your game at the Save Dog, then
go in the door, where you'll encounter the head of the HMO
-- Hamburgler! Hamburgler gloats about how his HMO doesn't
care for the patients and is just there to collect sacrifices
to the Evil Demon King Russell. Johnny asks what's so different
about that. Hamburgler gets mad and says that they'll never
cure Pokérman. He then pulls out the Ford Taurus stone from
his desk and uses it to turn into, none too surprisingly, a Ford
Taurus. He then drives (runs?) out the emergency exit. Follow
him down the fire escape and jump in the waiting Hornet. Zitti
will start the car, but stop when she realizes she forgot to
close the door. She closes it, and then you take off.
After a cool FMV sequence of a car chase, you will have
to fight a Gear battle. But in addition to the normal battle,
you also have to dodge obstacles in the road by using R2 and L2
to shift lanes (hitting obstacles will cause you to lose HP).
First, use ECM and Refractor to block missile and laser attacks,
then attack with Rail Cannon. And don't forget to watch out for
stuff in the road! If you can dodge all the obstacles, you
shouldn't have any trouble winning. After destroying the Ford
Taurus, Zitti and Johnny will stop the car.

ZITTI: Do you know why I stopped the car again?
JOHNNY: Do I know why you stopped the car again?
ZITTI: That's because we just beat the boss!

You will get the Ford Taurus and Candy Corn stones back.
Zitti will use the stones to cure Pokérman (due to a plot point
that is never explained, he doesn't turn into a Kidney monster
like everyone does when they use the stones). You then appear
on the overworld map near Frost Lodge.
Go back to the Virtola Fighter, where you'll find the rest
of the team waiting for you. They welcome Pokérman back.
Pokérman says that they must enter Sherbet and defeat Bozo
the Clown, but to disarm the barrier around Sherbet, Ye Olde
Legendarrye Sworde is needed. Dullard says that the "thword"
is broken, and that they will have to find somebody to fix it.

%%%GNOMES OF ZURICH%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Equip Pokérman with the Frost Yo-Yo and other new equipment,
then go find a hippo. Use L.5 Suicide on it, and it will cast
Hippobuckle, another Enemy Skill for Johnny to learn. After
getting it, go talk to Volts in Frost Lodge. If you haven't already
gotten your Gears tuned up, do so now. When asked about the
Legendarrye Sworde, Volts says he can repair it if he had Mithril,
but all the workers have gotten lost in the mine (what a surprise!)
And, of course, it's up to you to rescue them.
The Mithril Mines are located east of Frost Lodge. Before, there
were guards blocking the entrance, but now you can get in. Use a bomb
to break through the collapsed wall and enter. Head down the stairs
and go left past the underground waterfall to a small cave. Enter and
open the two chests for the Icepick (weapon for Cid) and Mythril. Your
first impulse it to probably go running back to Volts with the Mythril,
but if you do, he'll say that it's just cheap imitation Mythril,
and not real Mithril. So go back right past the stairs, to another
set of stairs. Go down those. The chest here has another piece
of Mythril.
Past this place, the mines turn into a huge maze known as the
Unnatural Cave. Basically, you have to wander around until you find
a chest with the Morning Star tool. (the other chests are mediocre;
most just have Mythril, although one has the Poison Axe for Poppin
Fresh and another has the Mithril Mallet). The Morning Star lets you
smash through rocks and walls from a distance. Find the pit with the
boulders on the other side and use the Morning Star to smash them.
Hop across the pit (via the SpringShoes) and keep going through more
maze until you find the underground waterfall.
Use the morning star to hit the boulder on the ledge across from
you. It will start rolling, fall into the lake at the bottom of the
waterfall, causing a big splash, sending fish flying out, causing a
swordfish to cut through a rope holding a skeleton to the ceiling,
which makes the skeleton falls down, scaring a guy who is trying to go
down the falls on a raft, causing him to go the wrong way and hit a
depth charge, which explodes, blowing up the raft, causing one of the
logs that make up the raft to fall down and land vertically on a ledge
on the other side of the waterfall, creating a hookshot post (this is
the coolest FMV in the entire game). After the FMV ends, use your
Hookshot to cross to the new post and walk behind the waterfall. As
with all waterfalls, there's a secret cave here. Inside, you'll find
the miners. They say that they were attacked by a monster at the
bottom of the waterfall. Go down the stairs behind the miners
(long staircase here) and out to the base of the waterfall.
Before you do anything else, EQUIP THE AQUARIUM STONE. This
lets you breathe underwater, and strangely affects the whole party
even though it's only equipped on one character. Then dive in
the pool and you'll have to fight the Regenerating Slimes of Doom.
If you don't have the Aquarium Kidney Stone equipped, you'll lose
HP constantly. Even with the stone, these guys are really tough.
There are four of them, but every time you kill one, it will
immediately reappear (before the next character even gets to
move). The only way to win is to kill all four at one time.
And after you do that, they will all regenerate, and you have to
kill all four (at once, of course), five more times. Oh, and did
I mention that they're attacking you the whole time?
After (if) you defeat the Regenerating Slimes, go back to
the miners. They say that they'll be okay now. Work your way
all the back out of the Unnatural Cave and the Mithril Mines.
Return to Frost Lodge and look around until you find one of the
miners, who gives you some Mithril. Take it to Volts and he'll
get to work on repairing the Legendarrye Sworde.
You then see a cutscene with the top Imperial guys -- Bozo
(the new Emperor), Graph (now Bozo's righthand man), Archmage
Soho, and Elmer Fudd -- in Sherbet. Bozo says that they must
stop Dullard from repairing the Legendarrye Sworde. Elmer Fudd
volunteers to send the Greeks to take care of the "wascawwy
The following day, go back and talk to Volts. He says that
the Legendarrye Sworde isn't like other swords, and he can't
repair it. He suggests talking to the Gnomes of Zurich, who
live deep underground, as they are good at making weapons. Volts
gives you Mithril back.
The game is really unclear on what to do next, but what you
have to do is go back to... Rocket Town! When you get here, the
people will inform you that the Empire is planning to launch the
Deep-6 rocket. If Cid is not in your party, he will run in and
force you to take him along. Go to the Deep-6 rocket, where
you'll find a bunch of Imperial soldiers. Defeat them (they
come in two waves and are really easy), and then you fight Sporty
Spice from the Greeks.
Dullard should use Descension with the Minotaur and Gross
genes, and just attack. Cid should attack as well. As for your
third character, bring Chartreuse or Lucille for healing. Sporty
Spice isn't really that tough. After defeating her, you'll board
the rocket and fight another easy battle against Imperial soldiers
(these were the same guys you fought in the Imperial Capital...
what's up with this place?), and that's the end of this "dungeon".
You arrive at the cockpit, and Cid takes over the controls.
In another nifty FMV scene, the rocket blasts off straight
into the ground, tunneling through the earth and arriving in
Zurich, the home of the gnomes. If you go to the inn or shops,
you'll see that they sell the Serutan ("Serutan" is "Natures"
spelled backwards) gear, but it's way overpriced. Hold off on
buying it if you can, because there's a way you can lower the
prices shortly. Go to the central cave, where you'll find the
head Gnomes of Zurich. They don't want to talk to you, they
just want LOTS of gold. And not just any gold, LOTS of Nazi
Again, the game is really vague here, but you have to take
the Deep-6 back to the surface and fly to Cosmo Mountain. When
you enter, you'll be kicked out by a bunch of Nazi soldiers who
have taken over the town. The only way in is through the caves.
So go back to the Avery Woods, save at the Save Dog, and go down
the ladder into the caves. Head south to the woodchuck statue
that you got the Mutation Gene from. Examine it again, and you'll
receive the powerful Centaur Gene. Then make your way through
back up the caves. The enemies are new, but everything else
is the same and none of the chests have new stuff. You can learn
the Life Roulette enemy skill from the Life Jokers, which will
completely restore the HP of a random target. When you get to
B1, you'll find Sage Bubba lying dying on the ground.

CHARTREUSE: Grandfather! Are you okay?
SAGE BUBBA: Do.. I look... okay? I'm... dying...
CHARTREUSE: What happened?
SAGE BUBBA: They killed me... off... just to have... an excuse...
for me... to give you... your ultimate Gear parts...
those bastards...
CHARTREUSE: I'm sorry to hear.
SAGE BUBBA: Just take... the damn parts... already... cough...
hack... hoo... hoo... ho...
JOHNNY: He's dead, Jim.

A NOTE ABOUT GEAR PARTS: Each character has one set of Gear parts
for their Gear. They can be used to learn that Gear's ultimate
technique. However, to use them, you must have learned all the
Gear's other techniques. Since that entails having your Gears
at level 9 (and you're still at level 7), you can't use them yet.

After getting the Wheateo parts from Sage Bubba, heal up and
continue into the Temple of the Jello. Here, you'll encounter
the evil Nazi dictator of Cosmo Mountain -- Dullardhan, Dullard's
headless evil twin. Dullard will have to fight him one-on-one.
The easiest way to beat Dullardhan is to just use the Minotaur
gene to transform into a Gorgon Woodchuck and attack. Dullardhan
uses a powerful sword technique called Wheat First Butcher Singer
that can cause instant death. However, if it kills you, you'll
just turn back into human form. Transform again and keep attacking.
As long as you stayed transformed, he can't kill you. Use Oatmeal
to restore your MP if it runs low.
Upon defeating Dullardhan, Dullard will receive the Wheat
First Butcher Singer spell, and Cosmo Mountain will return to
normal. Then open the four chests in the temple for Nazi Gold.
Go down into town and, for some reason, you'll find the Virtola
Fighter parked there (to save you from going back through the
caves). Hop in, fly back to Rocket Town, and go down to Zurich.
When you give your LOTS of Nazi gold to the Gnomes, they
will agree to help you... but first, you must find the Keebler
Elves, who have infiltrated Zurich and are spying on the gnomes.
There are LOTS of Keebler Elves to find.
Just wander around town and talk to EVERYONE. This includes
the some 40+ people in the very crowded bar. The Elves are
randomly located; when you talk to somebody who's an elf in
disguise, Dullard will use the Mirror of Truth (TM) to reveal its
true form and you fight it. Just use a Tim attack to kill it.
After you defeat the fifth Elf, you'll get the Keebler Key.
Use the Keebler Key to open the locked door in the back of
the inn and go down. You'll be outside the Keebler Elves'
treehouse. First, pick up the Stone Gene sitting in some jello
behind the tree. If you want, go up in the treehouse and defeat
all the elves to get at the chest with the Spirit Bow. Then
use the Morning Star to bash the base of the tree until the
whole thing collapses.
After destroying the treehouse, go back and talk to the
Gnomes. They will get to work on repairing the sword. The
shops are all now reasonably-priced, so you can buy the Serutan
equipment. There's also a trick you can do in which you buy
Nazi Gold (at the item shop) and traffick it between Zurich and
Cosmo Mountain to somehow earn infinite money, even though it's
a lot easier to just go fight enemies and earn it normally.
After shopping, go stay at the inn. The next day, go back and
talk to the Gnomes. They will have repaired the sword (it's in
one piece again), but it's bent and can't actually be used as a


Sword in hand, fly to to the This Is NOT An Ominous Ring Of
Land, where you'll see Sherbet floating in the sky. You'll
bounce off the shield, prompting a scene inside the Virtola

DULLARD: How come the thword'th not working?
CHARTREUSE: Oh, silly me. I forgot. The sword needs its power
TIM: Now you tell us...
DULLARD: You thpoony bard!

Suddenly, the Super Ultra Mega Hyper Cannon Gamma Turbo Champion
Edition plus Alpha fires, shooting the Virtola Fighter out of
the air. It crashes on the atoll (where Emmomucca's house is).
Go inside and talk to Emmomucca. She introduces herself as the
famous inventor Emmomucca, in exile from the Empire. She recognizes
you (after mistaking Dullard for a bum at first), says she'll fix up
the Virtola Fighter for you and runs off. While she's gone, the
party talks out how to charge the sword. Chartreuse explains
that it can only be charged by the Kool-Aid Pitcher Guy himself,
who lives in the Eternal Plane of Jello. He then goes on to say
that the Supreme Temple of the Jello lies on a small island somewhere
in a remote part of the world.
Emmomucca comes back in and says that not only has she fixed
the Virtola Fighter, -- it was "a piece of cake" -- she's tuned it
up so it can it fly over mountains. She says she also gave your
Gears a tuneup as well -- they're now at level 8. Go jump in
the Virtola Fighter and fly northeast from Iyar. You'll see a
small island surrounded by mountains, which you can now access.
All it has is a mole-whacking spot... and the Supreme Temple of
Enter the Supreme Temple of Jello and walk up to the plaque.
It says for the Legendary Hero to speak the sacred incantation of
the Flams to open the door. Dullard thinks this is a bit odd, because
he's the Legendary Hero, but he's a member of The Warren and not
one of the Flams. Then Lucille tells Dullard that the sacred
incantation is "Splish splash", so Dullard says it: "Thplith thplath".
Nothing happens. The party realizes it's because Dullard has a
lisp, and can't say the incantation properly. Just then, the
PMS phone rings. It's Biggs and Wedge, calling from Formaldehyde,
now renamed San Jose to avoid confusion with New Formaldehyde.
(why didn't they rename New Formaldehyde instead of the original?)
They say that San Jose is under attack, and suddenly the line
goes dead.
Leave the Supreme Temple and hop back in the Virtola Fighter.
Despite the fact that San Jose is under attack, you can make any
side trips you want and nothing will happen. With the advanced
Virtola Fighter, you can now go to Mt. Cool Whip, see the Mt.
Cool Whip subquest for details. Then fly to back to Formald... er,
San Jose, where you'll see Imperial planes and boats attacking. Land
and enter the city.
A huge tank is driving around here, smashing buildings. Run
to the castle (remember to take Zitti out of your party, you can't
get in with her even now) and talk to the King. He says that the
Empire is using the power of the Kidney Stones to power their giant
tank and that they're vastly outnumbered. He assigns Poppin Fresh
to find the rest of LANDSLIDE and stop the tank before it reaches
the castle. PF leaves just as the chancellor runs in and says
that something's coming out of the see. The party runs up to the
roof just in time to watch three Big Generic Robots come out of the
water. Chartreuse says that they are collectively known as Armor,
three monsters created by the Jello to defend itself from evil.
There is Flopsy, the Tin Armor; Mopsy, the Lead Armor; and
Cottontail, the Penultima Armor. The king says that Armor will
destroy the town if they're not stopped, and sends the party to
get rid of it/them.
You will automatically leave the castle, where you run into
Poppin Fresh and Zitti trying to stop the tank. Dullard says he'll
help PF and Zitti, and sends the rest of the team to commandeer
the Imperial submarines to attack Armor. You then have to fight
the tank with Dullard, Poppin, and Zitti's Gears.
Kool-Aid Impact should heal as necessary, but mostly attack.
The Jolly Green Giant should use Green Thumb on each party member,
then attack with GiantSling (if you have it) or Suplexiglass. Have
the Hornet use Refractor (to block the tank's laser attacks), and,
if you have it, Energy Wall (to block the charge attack). After
using those, attack with Rail Cannon. The tank has no missile
attacks, so don't bother with ECM. After you do enough damage
to the tank, it will use the Super Ultra Mega Hyper Cannon
Gamma Turbo Champion Edition plus Alpha and blow a big hole in
the ground, which Kool-Aid Impact (and consequently Dullard)
fall in.
The game then cuts over to the other characters, on board
Captain Crunch's new ship, the Spicy Candy. You will have to
make two teams to invade the Imperial fleet. I recommend putting
Johnny, Chartreuse, and Tim in one team and Cid, Lucille, and
Pokérman in the other. (Make sure to have Chartreuse and Tim
together so Chartreuse can revive Tim). The two teams will then
land on top of the main Imperial submarine.
The two teams start in the same place, so you can use either
for each path. If you want to exchange characters between teams,
talk to the other team. Otherwise, send one team left and into
the sub. There's only a few set battles against some guards here,
so just breeze through. When you get to the hallway with two doors,
go in the left. There's two chests here, but you can only take one.
The one on the left has the Shovel, an okay staff for Lucille, but
the one on the right has the Extra Payload, which you can equip on
Tim to increase the damage he does. Get this one! Then continue
onto the power room. Search the furnace for Next-to-Last Heaven,
Zitti's Ultimate Gear Parts (don't miss these; you can't get them
later!), then throw the power switch to disarm the forcefield.
Switch back to the other team and enter the sub's bridge. If
you talk to the soldier here, he'll give you a hint as to where to
find the Gear Parts, but you already got them (right?). So just
keep going past some more easy set battles against wimpy enemies
until you come to a glass passage where you can see the ocean
around you. Run back and forth in here until you encounter a Ghost
Lawnmower. Kill it with a Jello-elemental attack and it will turn
into a Pocket Thesaurus, a Key Item. Then use the Morning Star to
smash a hole in the tube. Water will start rushing in. A soldier
will run in and stuff something in the tube to plug the hole. Take
it; it's the Flash Yo-Yo for Pokérman. After getting it, quickly
run to the left and exit the tube before you drown. Save your game
at the Save Dog, heal up, then climb up the ladder into the command
As soon as you get here, Baby Spice will send the Cody Armor
after you, and you will have to fight it. The Cody Armor is one
tough boss. It will use the Dumb-Dumb Head attack to suck up your
characters for good. If this happens, you will never get the
character back, even after the battle -- they're gone for good.
Reset if this happens (um, unless it happens to Pokérman...). It
also uses Block-Block Brain, which silences a character *and*
reduces their magic defense to 0, and Poo-Poo Face, which is
a Spam-elemental attack on one character. To beat it, cast Reflect
on your party (or use a Shower Curtain), then let it use Block-Block
Brain. It will bounce off onto the Cody Armor, reducing its
magic defense to 0 and allowing you to pound it with attack spells
and summons. Of course, the trick is getting all your characters
Reflected before they're silenced, and in not getting sucked up
by Dumb-Dumb Head (note that if you're carrying any Lead gear, you
can equip it to protect yourself from being sucked in).
Your party then takes over the submarine, and you play a
mini-game... Battleship! You have to destroy all the enemy subs
without getting your sub or the Spicy Candy sunk. It's just straight
Battleship, so you shouldn't have any trouble with it. Once you
win the Battleship game, you'll be back in the control room with the
team that beat the Cody Armor. Go down to the Save Dog, save, and
then go into the glass passage. The other three characters will be.
The sub will shake, and Chartreuse says that the Tin Armor is
attacking. You will be able to make a new party, then you automatically
go up to the roof of the sub and hop in your Gears to fight it.
Despite its formidable appearance, the Tin Armor isn't too
tough. Use Neunzehn, LEG, and El Pato. Neunzehn should attack
with its best attack (Tomato Blossom, if you have it), as should the
LEG. El Pato should use items to heal as it's very fast. The Tin
Armor can use Tin Ray, an earth-elemental attack (single), and
Aire Dale Storm, which summons a swarm of dogs to attack your party for
physical damage. It can also duck under the water; don't attack it
when it does or it will retaliate with Jelloltima. If your Gears
have a reasonable number of abilities (even level 6 ones), this
shouldn't be any trouble at all.
After defeating the Tin Armor, the game will switch over to
Dullard, who has fallen into the Lispstream. Here all your item
names are spelled with a lisp (i.e., the Serutan Sword is called
"Therutan Thword" on your item screen). This can be kind of
confusing, so watch out. Anyway, just head down the green path
until you get to a fork. Take the left fork to a chetht with
the Kool-Aid Thword, which doeth Jello-elemental damage. Equip it,
then go back to the fork and head right. You'll come to a platform
where Elmer Fudd is thanding. Fudd laughth at Dullard for having a
lithp and callth him a "wascawwy Duwward." He then utheth the Leo
DiCaprio Kidney Thone to turn into Leonardo DiCaprio, and you fight.
Elmer Fudd / Leonardo DiCaprio will uthe hith Tranthmogrifier
Gun to turn Dullard into variouth objecth, like a chair, a random
woodchuck form, a themi, or an iguana. There'th nothing you can do
ath a chair except take hith. Try to thtay healed to avoid thith.
Ath a woodchuck, jutht uthe that woodchuck form'th powerth. The
betht form to be in ith the themi, ath you can drive over Fudd /
DiCaprio for mathive damage. The iguana is okay, it hath a weak attack
but at leatht you can heal (with itemth). Occathionally, you'll be
turned back into human form, allowing you to hit Fudd with a Wheat
Firtht Butcher Thinger. There'th not much thtrategy here, jutht
luck, thankth to he fact that you keep changing formth; jutht
thtay healed.
When you defeat Elmer Fudd, Dullard will be cured of his
lisp! You will also receive Fudd's Transmogrifier Gun, a Key
Item (you'd think Johnny could use it as a weapon, but no....),
and the Leo DiCaprio Kidney Stone. Dullard then emerges from the
Lispstream, back in San Jose. Equip him with the Omelette you found in
Fort Nicotina, save at the Save Dog, then head towards the castle.
You'll see the tank driving around, chasing the Jolly Green Giant and
the Hornet. Dullard will automatically use the Transmogrifier Gun to
turn the tank into a giant iguana, and you will have a Gear battle.
This guy is REALLY hard -- it's probably the toughest boss
in the entire game. The iguana can use Iguana Gaze, which gives your
entire party every status condition except stone (poison, paralysis,
confusion, charm, addicted, diarrhea, silence), and Laser Tag, which
does several thousand HP damage to the whole party. Make sure to
have the Hornet use Refractor on the first turn to block Laser Tag, and
if it dies, use it again (after reviving it). Kool-Aid Impact should
heal constantly. If you equipped the Omelette on Dullard, it will
be immune to status changes, and will stay functioning. If you're
healthy, use Wonderbread on one of the other characters to cure them.
When you get low on Fuel, use items to heal, as they don't consume
Fuel. JGG's Green Thumb can be handy as well, if you can get it off.
Good luck, you'll need it.
After the iguana goes down, it will explode and reveal the
Gemini Probe Kidney Stone. The rest of the party will run in
(where were they when you needed them?). You then gain control of
the submarine, which you can cruise around in and dive underwater.
However, there's no real point to the submarine, and there is
absolutely nothing underwater.

%%%ETERNAL PLANE OF JELLO%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

After healing up and restocking your item supply (after that
iguana battle...), fly back to the Supreme Temple of the Jello
and enter. Examine the plaque, and Dullard will say the sacred
incantation. Now that his lisp has been cured, the door will open,
and you can enter.
Head up through the dungeon. The enemies here all Jello-
elemental, so use Spam attacks like Acidic Flatulence and
Spamblast. Explore the temple, picking up the Flam-berge sword
and the Hawk Nose boomerang, until you find the chest with the
Pegasus Galoshes. These let you use a dash attack. Now go to
the hall with the collapsing bridge and run across it with the
Galoshes. You'll end up in a dark room. Light the torches with
the Flame Wand and jump around the maze of platforms until you
get to the door. Go through and go up the stairs. Save at the
Save Dog, then go north to the inner sanctum. When you get here,
the Lucky Charms leprechaun will jump in, accuse you of killing his
friends Ooga Booga and Agoob Agoo, tell you to "Stop ackin' like
a bluh'y Irushmen", and attack.
The Lucky Charms guy uses all-elemental attacks that inflict
damage of all 6 elements (which means elemental protections won't
be of any help), but other than that, he's a pretty ordinary
boss. He has a high magic defense, so use fighters like Johnny,
Cid, or Poppin Fresh. After you do enough damage, he will say
he's about to use his Omnislushee attack, when suddenly the Trix
Rabbit leaps down and attacks the Lucky Charms guy. You then
enter a fighting game bonus game, in which you control the Trix
Rabbit. R2 punches, Select kicks, Square blocks, and R3 (the
analog trigger) jumps. The controls are kinda confusing, so this
is a bit difficult. It doesn't matter if you win or not, but if
you *do* win, the Lucky Charms leprechaun will drop the Rainbow
Axe for PF.
The leprechaun then says "This means WAR!" and the sanctum
roof collapses. You all leap out onto the roof, and a whole bunch
of good and bad cereal mascots appear. You then play a Warcraft-
style bonus game in which you control the good cereal mascots
(Trix Rabbit, Wendell the Baker, Snap, Crackle, and Pop) and fight
the bad ones (Count Chocula, the Lucky Charms leprechaun, the Apple
Jacks frog, Tony the Tiger, and the Honey Nut Cheerios bee). The
rabbit and Wendell are fighters, while the three Rice Krispies guys
are archers. Position the rabbit and Wendell between the pillars and
let the bad mascots come to you. When they get close, quickly attack
the frog and the leprechaun; they're their archer. And watch for the
bee, he can fly over your troops to attack the archers. Take on
Count Chocula last, as he can suck your life and recover his own
health while you're fighting other people.
After you defeat all the bad cereal mascots, a beam of light
will come out through the hole in the roof. The party jumps in and
you are teleported to the Eternal Plane of Jello. You land in a big
pool of liquid Jello. Swim around until you see a motorboat and climb
in. Hold down X to move the motorboat and cruise over the upper-left
corner of the pool, where you'll see a chest. Open it and you'll
have to fight a mini-boss -- the Prague, a floating city with a big
eyeball. It will immediately use Diarrhea Sentence to give your
party the Diarrhea status, even if you have Port-a-Potties. Quickly
use some Pepto-Bismol to cure it, then attack. It's not too tough,
and you'll get a Raccoon Lance after the battle. After getting the
lance, take the motorboat to the lower-left corner of the pool and
you'll see a diving board. Climb up on it, then use the Flying Cape.
You'll be whisked away to the Treble Clef of Dimension.
Here, you have to hop from musical note to musical note with
the SpringShoes. If you miss, you'll fall back down into the pool
of Jello. Eventually, you'll reach the bar at the end of the music.
Climb up the ladder to the top, where you'll have to fight the
Guy With Too Many Exclamation Marks. He can use the dreaded MORTAL
KOMBAT RULEZ!!! attack, not to mention the BRETH OF FIRE SUX!!!!!
spell, which lowers your party's stats. However, he doesn't have
much HP, so just nail him with a couple of Tim blasts. After
he goes down, you'll get the Exclamation Mark, a staff for Lucille.
Then jump off the top of the bar and you'll fall onto a huge block
of Jello.
You may recognize this place from the start of the game. However,
there are now enemies here, and things are a wee bit tougher. Get
in your Gears (R2+L2) and head north. If you have Johnny along,
you can learn Angel's Shout from the Jello Elementals (yes, even
if you're in your Gears). If not, you can get it later. When
you reach the hole in the Jello, jump down and you'll land in the
shrine with the statue of the Kool-Aid Pitcher Guy. Examine it
and the Kool-Aid Guy will appear.

KOOL-AID GUY: Well, hello there! ....who are you? Get out of here,
you bum!
DULLARD: Wait! I'm not a bum! I'm Dullard, the legendary hero!
You said so yourself!
KOOL-AID GUY: Hmmm... well, Mr. So-Called Legendary Hero, what are
the names of my three cats?
DULLARD: Uh... Huffy, Muffy, and Stuffy?
KOOL-AID GUY: Hey, that's right. I guess you're on the level after
all. Okay, what do you want?
DULLARD: We need Ye Olde Legendarrye Sworde recharged. And I want
to want why the Warren was dethroyed.
POPPIN FRESH: Hey, I thought got your lisp cured.
TIM: Must be a relapse...
KOOL-AID GUY: The Warren was destroyed because... they didn't pay their
electricity bill.
DULLARD: WHAT???? That'th abthurd!
TIM: Yup, it's a relapse, all right.
ZITTI: Oh well... Dullard without a lisp is like a dance floor without
KOOL-AID GUY: See, the Warren and the Flams used to be on the same
side, fighting the Evil Omen Goat Monkeys. The Warren
did the fighting, and the Flams built everything. But
the Warren ran up a huge electricity bill using all the
Flams' stuff, so the Flams wiped them out.
CID: (emits gas)
DULLARD: Why the Flamth charge the Warren tho much if they were on
the thame thide?
TIM: Paging Doctor Jones! Paging Doctor Jones! We're experiencing a
major relapse here!
KOOL-AID GUY: I don't know. Athk Graph. He wath the one who thet all
the priceth... darn it, now you got ME doing it!
DULLARD: Thorry.
TIM: Sir! It appears to be contagious! We could be experiencing a
major outbreak!
JOHNNY: Shut up, Tim.
KOOL-AID GUY: Now, about the thw- sword. I'll fix it if you bring me
five blue Legos, a clockwork monkey, some mithril
CID: Yeah, that's the way to tell 'im! You go, Dullard!
KOOL-AID GUY: Oh, all right, Mr. "Legendary Hero". Hand it over.

You then get Ye Olde Legendarrye Sworde recharged, but it's still
bent out of shape and can't be equipped. Dullard also receives the
Jello gene. Kool-Aid Guy will heal you and ask if you want to save
your game. Do so. He will then talk some more and tell you that you
have to shut down Super Ultra Mega Hyper Cannon Gamma Turbo Champion
Edition plus Alpha before attacking Sherbet. In order to do this, you
must disarm the six elemental reactors from which it derives its power.
The Jello Reactor is in San Jose (aka the Town Formerly Known As
Formaldehyde). The Spam Reactor is in the original Imperial Capital.
The other four reactors are located in the Towers of Animals, Plants,
Minerals, and Invertebrate Amphibians, all of which are located on
This Is NOT An Ominous Ring Of Land. Kool-Aid Guy then teaches
Chartreuse the Kool-Aid Flow revive spell and teleports you out of
the Eternal Plane of Jello and back into the Supreme Temple of the
As soon as you appear in the temple, you will encounter Archmage
Soho. Soho says that you seem to be one step ahead of her, but she
can't let you reach Sherbet. You then get into a fight. I recommend
using Dullard, Johnny, and Zitti. Soho has a number of nasty magic
attacks, including Grand Subway (non-elemental attack on the party,
Johnny can learn it), Neon Genesis Televangelism (jello attack on the
party, steals your money), Eastern Cross (ice attack on one person,
causes paralysis), and Almaguestbook (all-elemental attack on the
whole party), so have Zitti cast Rava Lawl, then use other support
spells like Caffeinate. Dullard should heal with items or pH Balancer,
while Johnny keeps using Stop Pants to drain Soho's MP. Eventually,
she'll run out, and then all she can do is her wimpy regular attack.
Then just wail on her. If you can't get this method to work, put
in Poppin Fresh instead of Johnny and just go for the all-out attack
with his call spells. You won't be able to learn Grand Subway this
way, though.
After you do enough damage to Soho, she'll activate the Liberal
Kidney Stone and turn into the Democratic donkey. You automatically
switch over to a Gear battle with the same characters. Kool-Aid
Impact should heal, and use Kool-Aid Smash if you have the chance;
Alexandria uses Shield Drive and Sonic Drive (or Defense Drive and
Hyper Drive if you don't have the enhanced version), then attacks
with StrangeFire; and the Hornet uses Energy Wall, then attacks with
Rail Cannon (you may want to use Repair System as well). The
donkey will probably cast Green Thumb on itself to regenerate its
HP, so be sure to keep up its attack. In addition to Green Thumb,
the donkey has a kick attack that does a lot of Alexandria (Alexandria
being an elephant), and a number of spells: Bleeding Heart (does
unblockable damage to the party by making your hearts bleed),
Political Correctness (makes all attacks become unfocused -- they
damage both your characters and Soho so as not to target any
individual), and Gun Control, which locks up your Gears' guns and
prevents them from attacking (except for Kool-Aid Impact, which uses
a sword). Gun Control is really annoying; just defend to regenerate
Fuel (or use support attacks like the Drives and K-A Impact's heals)
and wait for a couple turns until the Right To Bear Arms spell goes
off and allows you to attack again. Political Correctness is also
annoying, but it fortunately applies to Soho's attacks as well
and wears off pretty quickly.
The donkey will explode when killed, and you will get the
Liberal stone, which works like the Cover materia in FF7 -- you'll
protect weaker members of your party; which is really pretty
useless. You then will then be teleported out of the Supreme Temple
back onto the overworld map. End of chapter.


You can now basically do the Reactor quests in any order,
but if you do them in a certain order, they're easier. First,
though, fly to This Is NOT An Ominous Ring Of Land and Dullard
will use the now-charged Legendarrye Sworde to disarm the barrier
around it. Land on the ring and you'll be in the Y'all Region.
Ignoring the four towers (you can't get it anyway), go to the
small town here, Hicksville.
In Hicksville, all you'll find is people with no arms, legs,
noses, or mouths, just like Sage Bubba. First, go to the house on
the top of the hill and enter. Here, you'll meet Sage Billy Bob,
Sage Bubba's brother. Sage Billy Bob says that Hicksville was
Sage Bubba's hometown, then he gives you the Jello Pendant (the
obligatory magic pendant!), which is needed to enter the four
towers. Now go the shop and buy the Redneck armor. Don't bother
with the Redneck weapons, because you can get better stuff in the
reactor quests. Also, you'll see a guy wandering town who's trying
to think of synonyms of "fart". Give him the Pocket Thesaurus
you got from the Ghost Lawnmower. He'll thank you and give you
the Break Wind gear parts for Cid.
Fly to San Jose, take Zitti out of the party if you're using
her, and talk to the King. Dullard explains about the Reactors
and asks the King to shut down the Jello Reactor. The King agrees,
as the Reactor wasn't serving any useful purpose anyway. He sends
the Chancellor to go turn off the Reactor. The King then says that
when they were cleaning up after the Imperial attack, they found
some strange Gear parts, and asks if you would like to have them
installed in your Gears. He'll keep asking until you say "Yes",
so do so. Your Gears will be upgraded to level 9. Also, if you
learn *all* a Gear's abilities, you can use the corresponding
Gear Parts on it to go to Level X and receive the Gear's ultimate
ability. Then the Chancellor returns and says he's turned off
the reactor. Before leaving San Jose, go into town and you'll
see Officer McGruff wandering around. He asks Dullard if he's
planning to take a bite out of crime by overthrowing the Empire.
Dullard says he is, and McGruff replies that he'll be glad to
help. You then get the Officer McGruff Call Spell.
The other reactor quests are a little bit trickier. You'll
want to tackle the Spam Reactor next, so fly back to the rubble
of the original Imperial Capital. Search around until you find
a staircase (you'll need to use the Power Glove to move a rock),
and descend. Use the Pegasus Galoshes to run through the spear
traps and go through the door into Villanova Labs.
This place is loaded with tough enemies, but the dungeon is
pretty short. Head north, then go up the stairs on the left and
into the door. Open the chest for the Winchester Lite gun for
Johnny, then operate the computer to turn it off. Go back down
the stairs and head straight north until you come to two doors.
Go through the door on the left. You'll have to do a pointless
and annoying sequence in which your three party members have to
bang their heads on the wall at exactly the same time (you control
Dullard, the computer controls the other two). Doing this
correctly will cause the wall to collapse. Go through and head
left for a Kool-Aid Pitcher, then take the right fork to a room
with a switch. If you used the first computer, you can operate
this one to disarm another computer.
Now return to the entrance and take the stairs on the right.
Examine the third computer to shut down the main forcefield. Go
through the middle door, but instead of going left to the head-
banging room, go right. The forcefield is disarmed, so just pass
through to a Save Dog. Save your game, then continue north into
a laboratory. Walk up to the test tubes, and suddenly a giant
bulldog will break out of one of the tubes and attack you.
I recommend using Dullard, Chartreuse, and Poppin Fresh.
Dullard should transform with the Jello and Centaur Genes, then
cast Jelloltima. Chartreuse should use Rava Lawl to boost your
magic defense, then attack with Holy Cow (or Jasponyx Ray, if you
have it), healing when necessary. Poppin Fresh should summon
Officer McGruff with the Jellonomicon equipped to use Just Say
No, which protects you from the various status changes
Villanova*BIRTH will inflict on you (alternately, you could let
yourself receive the status changes, then have Chartreuse use
Divert Headache to give them to Villanova*BIRTH, but this is
riskier). After summoning McGruff, have him attack with
Loveiathan's second attack, or Mr. Cool Whip if you didn't get
Loveiathan. If you have Knights of Labor, by all means use it!
After defeating Villanova*BIRTH, you'll receive the Bulldog
Collar, a helmet. Then go up into the lab and you'll see some
bookcases. Examine them and Dullard will start reading a book
about the Empire's secret biotech projects. First, you learn
about the Villanova Project, which attempted to inject soldiers
with the genes of bulldogs to make them stronger. This failed,
so the Empire turned to Project Hop Macaw, in which they captured
one of the last members of The Warren -- Kain -- and injected
his DNA into one of their generals -- Bozo. Thus, Kain isn't
a clone of Bozo, Bozo is a clone of Kain. Now search the bookcase
again and it will move. Go down and you'll find the Spam
Reactor. Toss a Bomb into it to blow it up, and you'll be
automatically warped outside.
Your next real stop is the Towers of Animals, Plants,
Minerals, and Invertebrate Amphibians... but now that you know
about Project Hop Macaw, you can go on The Abyss subquest to get
Kain back. For for info, skip to "The Abyss" under Subquests.

%%%THE TOWERS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

It really doesn't matter what order you do the Towers in;
they're all pretty much of equal difficulty. I started with
the Animal Tower because it's the closest to Hicksville (it's
the east one). Be sure to bring Cid!

Once entering the Animal Tower, you'll be in a grassy
courtyard, with some horses wandering around. There's an
elevator, but it needs more weight on it to function. Dullard
breaks out the old horse costume (remember? That you used to
catch the Tiny Bronco?). You have to herd three of the horses
onto the elevator with you, and then it will take you up to
fifth floor.
Up here, you have to fight Chernobyl Giraffes (giraffes
with three heads that breathe fire, use ice attacks) and
Hulkamaniacs, which can only be harmed by Cid's Flatulence
or Mega Flatulence. Anyway, head down the stairs and you'll
be in another courtyard, this one with a lot of trees. Here,
you fight Guerilla Gorillas. If you have Kain along, you
can steal the Gorilla Gun from them. Look around until you
find a ladder leading up into the trees. Now swing around on
the trees, looking for Mr. Squirrel. When you find him, he
will come with you. Swing around some more and you'll find a
monkey. Talk to the monkey and it will ask you if W is a
vowel. Say "yes" and you'll receive the Bronx Cheer, a yo-yo.
Mr. Squirrel in tow, go back to the fifth floor and go
up the stairs to an icy area. You have to use the Spring
Shoes here to jump from penguin to penguin as they slide back
and forth. The chest here has the Dragon Whip, the best
whip in the game. However, since nobody uses whips, you
can't equip it, and there's no need to get it. You'll then
come to a door, which Mr. Squirrel will unlock for you (he
uses his tail as a lockpick), then he runs off. Go up to the
next room, which has a whole bunch of Save Dogs. All of them
will attack you except for the real Save Dog, which is two
dogs right and five down from the upper-left corner. After
saving your game, go up the stairs to a glass room.
There's a whistle here, but don't blow it. If you do,
Mr. Sparkle (he looks like Homer Simpson's disembodied head)
flies out and begins saying stuff in Japanese. Then he
attacks, and he's really tough. He uses Buffalo Buffalo
Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo and "Join Me
or Die!" to give everyone Spam damage and diarrhea. On top of
that, if you try any woodchuck transformations, Dullard turns to
glass and shatters, and you have to revive him. So don't blow
the whistle, just blow it up with a bomb. Mr. Sparkle will
come out and you still fight him, but he can't cast Join Me
Or Die. After you beat him, you'll get the Crumb Catcher
armor, and a Moai head will appear. Go back and save again,
then use the Power Glove to pry open the Moai head. Climb
inside and you'll be taken to the top floor, where Sporty
Spice is waiting.

DULLARD: Thporty Thpice!
SPORTY SPICE: You'll never reach Sherbet! You'll have to
defeat all of us Greeks first, and we have the
power of the Kidney Stones.
(Sporty Spice holds up a stone)
SPORTY SPICE: This is the Rabbittarius Kidney Stone!
TIM: Rabbittarius!?
(a gibbon runs in)
ERG: I'm sorry! It was all I could think of!
(the gibbon runs away)
JOHNNY: Hand over the Stone!
SPORTY SPICE: Do you want it? Do you really, really, want it?
You'll have to beat me first!

Sporty Spice then uses the Stone to turn into Reader Rabbit,
and you fight a Gear battle. Reader Rabbit isn't too tough;
he's weak against Earth attacks, so put in Alexandria, use
F-MAX, and attack with SeismicRave. The Jolly Green Giant is
good too, use Tremor or Gaea's Wrath, and have Kool-Aid Impact
just heal. After defeating Reader Rabbit, you'll get the
Rabbittarius Stone. Toss a Bomb into the Fire Reactor and it
will blow up. You'll be teleported out of the tower.

Next up... the Plant Tower. This one's the southern tower
in the Y'all Region. It's pretty mazey, but the enemies aren't
too tough. This place is just one huge room with a giant tree
growing in it. You have to get to the top of the tree, but
that's easier said than done. I recommend using Kain; you'll
need him to get Lucille's Gear Parts.
Start by using the Shrinking Potion to go into the knothole
and descend until you find some mushrooms. Use the Growth
Potion and grab some of the mushrooms, then go back to the start,
leave the knothole, and start climbing up the rope. Watch out
for the falling Coconut Monkeys; you'll have to use the Morning
Star to destroy them in the air. Once you reach the top of the
rope, use the Hookshot and Flying Cape to navigate around until
you find a hippie squirrel (note that you can use your Gears
when you're just walking around). Give it the mushrooms and it
will trip out and throw its clothes off and an eagle will swoop
by and grab them (note: if you have the Officer McGruff call
spell, he will appear and tell the squirrel to "just say no",
but it takes the mushrooms anyway).
Now use the Shrinking Potion to shrink down and go in the
knothole by the squirrel. Run across the bridges with the
Pegasus Galoshes (don't fall in!) and exit out. Go up a few
stories and you'll be at the eagle's nest. Grab the clothes --
they're a Peace Symbol, some Smelly Gloves, and the Tie-Dye
Fur, the best armor in the game for Chartreuse. Now use the
Shrinking Potion and the eagle will swoop down and grab you.
Let it carry you around the tree until you fly by a chest.
Quickly use the Growth Potion to grow and drop out of the
eagle's grasp. You'll land on the ledge with the chest. Open
it for the Kaiser Claws.
It may seem like you're at a dead end. What you need
to do is use those Smelly Gloves. Leave the tower and go all
the way back to the Forest of Moo. Remember Neon Man, who likes
smelly stuff? Give him the Smelly Gloves and he'll give you
the Magic Cape. The Magic Cape lets you do a super jump while
running. Return to the Plant Tower and go through the tunnel
near the squirrel. As soon as you get out, run down the long
branch and use the Cape. You'll go flying onto another branch.
From here, climb up until the tree splits in two. Hop in your
Gears (there's no more jumping) and head left until you reach
a staff lying on the ground. This is the Dryad Staff. You could
just take it (it's a weapon), but use the Ice Wand on it. The
staff will become wet, and turns into the Wetad Staff. Now take
it and give it to Lucille. Go back to the fork in the tree and
go right. The branch will lead right up to a doorway in the wall.
Go through into the reactor room, where Posh Spice is waiting
for you. She uses the Aeris Kidney Stone to turn into Aerith.
First of all, be sure to have Kain and the Fork of Doom
along, so you can steal the Above-Average Gospel parts from
Aerith. Aerith has the power to change your characters' names,
and she keeps healing herself, but otherwise she's really easy.
If you have Johnny along, just use Get Cloud! and she'll run off
chasing Cloud. After Aerith returns to the planet, you'll get the
Aeris Kidney Stone. Toss a bomb in the Water Reactor and that's
another tower done.

The Mineral Tower is the western tower. When you enter,
you'll find a teleporter. Stepping in it will take you to the
*top* of the tower, and you have to work your way back *down*.
Climb down the ladder into a cave-like region.
In here, you'll fight Non-Biodegradable Golems (immune to
natural elements -- i.e., all elements but Jello and Spam),
Churlish Baboons (watch out, they go berserk and start attacking
your whole party), and Metal Woodchucks. The Metal Woodchucks
only have 5 HP, but everything you do to them only takes off 1
HP, and they keep running away. If you manage to beat them,
though, you get a *lot* of EXP.
Anyway, head right and blow through the weak wall with
a bomb. Go down, solve the puzzle, and open the chest for the
Rediscovered Score gun for Johnny. Head back up and go to
the door. It will ask you "What do Lanthanide, Sulfur,
Silver, and Neon spell?" You can look it up on a periodic
table, or just type in the answer: LaSAgNE. Then the door
will open and allow you in. Go down the ladder.
The next cave area is pretty maze-like. What you have to
do is wander around and find all the boulders, then use the
Power Glove to knock them off the ledges they're on and onto
the ground below, where you can roll them onto switches. The
Spammer mallet is also located in a chest around here; if you
have the Mole-Bashing Mallet, you don't need to pick it up (the
Spammer isn't as strong). The other chests hold items. After
you knock all four boulders down, put them on the switches and
the door will open.
Get your Pegasus Galoshes ready. As soon as you walk
through, a boulder will fall down and start rolling.... away
from you. You have to run past the boulder, get in front of
it, and run through the door before the boulder gets stuck in
the doorway. If you're way ahead of the boulder, take the
brief detour to the side to grab the Immateria sword. It
enables the use of Cloud's Limit Breaks. However, since Cloud
isn't the game, this is kind of useless. It's still a good
weapon, though.
After the boulder part, you'll encounter a fork in the
road. Cid (or Kain, if you have him) notes that it appears to
be a prototype of the Fork of Doom. Before climbing in, go
through the door behind the Fork (you can't see) and get the
Gastrointestinal crossbow from the chest. Then climb in the
Fork. It will flip upside down and start burrowing into the
ground, taking you to the Reactor room.
Here you'll find Scary Spice, armed with the Threepio
Kidney Stone. She asks you if you think she should turn into
C3PO or R2D2. If you choose C3PO, she will turn into a giant
version of C3PO, you will have to fight a Gear battle against
C3PO. C3PO will use ECM, Energy Wall, and Refractor at the
very start to block many of your attacks. Then he summons
the Elemental Gerbils. Whichever Gerbil he currently has
summoned is the element he will attack with, but is also the
only element he can be hurt by. He's also immune to status
changes, being a droid. I don't recommend choosing C3PO, but
if you do fight him, use El Pato and Neunzehn as they have a
variety of elemental attacks (and let Dullard defend). You
can learn his Scientific Hammer skill if you have Johnny (in
Alexandria) along, but you can learn this later anyway.
You're better off telling Scary Spice to turn into R2D2.
This will prompt Tim to start rapping against R2D2. Of course,
R2D2 can't talk, he just raps with his R2D2-sounds. You have
to mimic these with Tim, which is easier said than done because
the various noises all sound the same. If you fail to rap
"GOOD", you die. If you rap "GOOD", you win, and if you rap
"COOL", R2D2 will explode and you can use his body as a Sturdy
Armor and Sturdy Helmet.
However you defeat Scary Spice, you'll end up with the
Threepio Kidney Stone, which protects you from status changes.
Toss a Bomb into the Reactor, and it's five down, one to go.

Strangely, the Invertebrate Amphibian Tower has nothing to
do with invertebrate amphibians. It is, however, as weird as
its name.
You start out in a room with a spinning floor. Every time
you take a step, the room will spin around. It's annoying, but
not too much of a problem. Keep wandering around the room until
Mr. T appears. Talk to Mr. T and he will say that he wants you
to defeat his shadow. After you talk to him, a hole will appear.
Jump down the hole and you'll land in a sort of cave-like room.
First, head through the door to the south. You have to slide
around the ice and blow up all the rocks. Doing so will cause
a chest to fall down with a Live Salamader inside (it's a helmet).
Then go back north to the room where you fell down. Use the Power
Glove to hit the rocks until you find one of them that says "Ow!" Keep
hitting it and it will eventually say it will let you hover if you just
leave it alone. Agree, and Dullard will start floating in the air.
Hover over the pit to the north and position yourself over the switch.
When your hovering wears off, you'll land on the switch and cause a
chest to fall down on the other side of the pit. You can't do anything
here, so jump in the pit and you'll fall for a long time, then land
in a barn with a bunch of chickens. Use the Fire Wand to set all the
chickens on fire, then use the Ice Wand to freeze them again. They
will form into one giant chicken and start chasing you. Use the
Pegasus Galoshes and run south, jumping over pits and rocks. If
you have the Magic Cape, use the super jump and it will be easy.
Eventually, you'll reach a dam (which you're on top of). If you're
way ahead of the chicken, climb down the ladder and go inside the
dam to find a chest with the Wind Robe. Then drop a bomb into the
vent on top of the dam and it will start to shake. Get your Flying
Cape ready and use it as soon as the dam blows to fly away (if you
fall into the river, you'll be swept into a cave under the chicken
farm and have to repeat the sequence).
You now arrive in a jewelry shop. You can buy accessories
by talking to the clerk, but don't get near the safe or you'll set
off an alarm and have to fight a Gear battle against some security
robots. After you've bought everything you want, head south out
the door and you'll be in the spinning room. Jump down the hole
again and fall back into the rocks room. Open the chest that fell
down for a Mango. As soon as you get it, a weird sound effect of
a guy screaming "MANGOOOOOO!" will play and Mr. T's shadow will appear
and demand that you hand over the Mango. Beat him (use jello attacks)
and he'll disappear. Go through the chicken sequence again to get
back to the spinning room. Now talk to Mr. T. He'll see that you
have the Mango, so you must have gotten rid of his shadow. He then
gives you a Turtle-Shaped Doorknob and ask you to find him some
homemade cookies. Put the Turtle-Shaped Doorknob on the eastern door,
allowing you to open it and go through into an elevator.
If you go down one floor (to B1), then go up the stairs, you'll
be inside the safe of the jewelry shop. Set off a bomb in here and
an alarm will start going off. Go back to the conventional entrance
to the shop and the securtiy robots will be running around. Dodge
them and open the safe for the Save the Janitor axe. Also, there's
a guy in here who will trade you the Bananarang for the Mango. The
Bananarang is a really strong boomerang for Pokérman, but after you
use it, it turns into Bummerang, which, when used, will miss the enemies,
fly back, and hit Pokérman. If you keep the Bummerang equipped for
a while, though, it will turn back into the Bananarang -- but don't
bother, it's not worth it.
Anyway, go to the elevator and go up to 5F. Here you'll find
Sherlock Holmes, who's lost his magnifying glass. Go north through
the door and you'll be on a stage with people throwing tomatoes at
you. Use the Hookshot to skewer them in the air and you'll earn
Potato Points. When you get 10 potato points, Dullard will yell
"SONIC BOOM" and do Guile's Sonic Boom, destroying the crowd. Search
all the seats for the Platen Rowel (it's a spear) and Sherlock's
magnifying glass. Take it back to Sherlock and he'll give you some
homemade cookies. Give those to Mr. T and he'll give you the
Donkey-Shaped Doorknob. Use it to open the west door, save at the
Save Dog, and use the teleport to warp to the top (sixth) floor,
where you'll encounter Baby Spice. Baby Spice uses the Puzzle
Pisces stone to turn into a giant Jinjo (JINJO! WHEEE!), and you
fight a Gear battle.
The Jinjo doesn't have a whole lot of special attacks, but
its regular attack hits hard, and it has a high defense. Use
Alexandria's Shield Drive to boost your defense, and attack with
magic. Parabola Smash is particularly effective. After you
defeat the Jinjo, you will get the Puzzle Pisces stone. Toss
a bomb into the Wind Reactor and this tower's done. If you've
shut down all six reactors, you'll see an FMV sequence in which
the Super Ultra Mega Hyper Cannon Gamma Turbo Champion Edition
plus Alpha shuts down. You can now enter Sherbet.


The final dungeon lies ahead, and it's a long one, so make
sure you're all stocked up on items. By this time, you should
have all the Gear abilities and used your Gear parts, and be
close to level 99. You might also want to go collect your
characters' Ultimate Weapons (see Side Quests) or build Platypus
Village and raise hippos.
When you're ready to go, fly to Sherbet. The gang will talk
briefly on the Virtola Fighter, then decide to parachute in. The
Jolly Yet Annoying Sidekick will give you a Radio that you can use
to return to the Virtola Fighter from the park. You will then
have to split up into three groups. If you've got Kain along,
that means you have to leave one character behind; leave Tim.
I recommend using Dullard, Lucille, and Cid in one group, Zitti,
Johnny, and Kain in the second group, and Pokérman, Poppin Fresh,
and Chartreuse in the third.
All three groups will land in the park, and you will split
up to sneak into the palace. I recommend sending Kain's group to
the right, as you'll want Kain to steal something, and a special
event will occur if you have Johnny along. The group that takes
the center path doesn't have to fight a boss, use Dullard's group
there, and send Poppin's team to the west. Note that you can ride
your Gears in the outdoor areas (but not inside).
Kain's team will reach a roadblock, where the road is under
construction. Go into the nearby gunshop, where you'll find
Wedge pointing a gun at you.

ZITTI: Don't shoot! We're Formaldehydian!
(Wedge puts the gun down)
JOHNNY: What's going ON in this town?
WEDGE: I don't have a clue. This is the new capital of the
Empire, and they're up to something. Don't worry, I'm
keeping a close eye on things.
ZITTI: If you're keeping a close eye on things, then how come
you don't have a clue about what's going on?

You can then move around. Loot the cabinets for some items,
then go out the back door. Just as you do, some zombified Square
fans will break through the door and attack Wedge, killing him.

JOHNNY: Oh my God, they killed Wedge! You bastards!
SQUARE FAN: It's Johnny! Kill him!
JOHNNY: Why? What have I done to you?
SQUARE FAN: Back when you were in the jail cell on the Imperial
ship, one of your jokes made fun of Square! PREPARE
JOHNNY: And I thought the Sailor Moon fans were violent...

You can now either just run out the back door, or fight
the zombified Square fans. (If you don't have Johnny in this
team, the Square fans will never show up, so you just leave).
Fighting them is tough, as they keep regenerating their HP and
can only be harmed by cure spells. Use the Angel's Shout enemy
skill if you have it. After you defeat all the fans, search
Wedge's body for the three-handed Chaingun of Damocles, one of
the best weapons for Johnny in the game. Then exit through the
back door and you'll be on the other side of the roadblock.
Continue down the street until you reach the police station,
which is 60-story skyscraper (that's one heck of a police station).
Inside the police station, go through the door on the left
and you'll meet Vicks, who's dying. Vicks gives you a keycard,
then dies, but not before Johnny notes his uncanny resemblance
to Will Smith. Go back into the main room and use the keycard
on the computer to open some doors in the power plant. Now
switch over to Pokérman's team.
Here, you'll head down a bunch of streets, and eventually
get to a power plant. Enter and take the right path. Hunt around
for the Just Axe, then go back to the entrance and go left (this
passage will only be open if you used the keycard). Talk to
the three plant workers and they will each ask you what the magic
letter is. In order from left to right, they're "D", "G", and
"V". After you give them all three letters, they will move and
let you go through the door. Throw the Power Switch #1, then
switch to Dullard's team.
Dullard's team heads to the zoo. With Power Switch #1 down,
you'll be able to climb over the electric fence into the lion
cage. Don't miss the Economy Heart claw in the cave, it's on
the left side. After getting it, leave the lion cage and cross
the bridge to the penguin exhibit. Use a bomb to blow open the
roof and enter. Use the Fire Wand to melt the ice, then use
the Pegasus Galoshes and Magic Cape to run and leap across the
water. (If you get attacked in here, be sure to use the Eldredge
Gene). If you hit the penguins with the Morning Star, one of
them will drop a Charon Helm. Then go up into the polar bear
exhibit, use the hookshot to get through, and exit out into the
bear area. Head left into the petting zoo and pet the camel
until it becomes sick and coughs up a Cyberspace Jack. Then go
back outside and drop the Cyberspace Jack into the sewers.
Switch over to Pokérman.
Back in the power plant, descend into the furnace. Hop
into your Gears, then go left. The Cyberspace Jack should be
waiting for you. Take it, and plug into the computer. You'll
be sucked into the oddly-named Halfback Zone. This place is
a miniature version of the overworld, but with giant purple Mango
Birds running over the place. Try to avoid them; you have to
fight them if you run into them. At the Beath of Flams, you'll
find a little glowing spot. Step on it and you'll get a message
that all barriers are down. Go back to Sherbet (on the mini-map)
and touch the city to warp out of cyberspace. Go south, then
right at the main fork. When you reach the big room, it's time
to fight a boss -- Metla Gear.
If you're not already in your Gears (or giant mode ^_^),
you'll get in them now. Pokérman should use Slot, and hope you
get something good. The Jolly Green Giant should use Green Thumb
on everybody, then attack with DNRC. Alternately, use BabelRebuild,
then defend and build up your Fuel to use it again. The
Neunzehn should alternate between Tomato Blossom and Full Recharge.
The Metla Gear will use its missile attack frequently, so you've
got an ECM Device item, use one. After you do enough damage to
it, some pieces will fall off, and it will say "Transforming
system activated." The Metla Gear will now shift between four
forms: Metla Gear Solid, Metla Gear Liquid, Metla Gear Gaseous,
and Metla Gear Plasma. You can only harm it when it's in its
Solid and Plasma forms. Defend during the other forms to recharge
fuel. The Metla Gear is kinda tough, but not too hard. After
you defeat it, throw Power Switch #2, then head north out of the
power plant into the palace garden. Step on the switch.
Switch back to Kain's team, in the police station. The
lights have gone off here, prompting all the police officers to
leave and go get some donuts. Go through the side door in the
main room and use the Fire Wand to light the torches so you can
see. Watch out for the Sniffers in here (the red monsters with big
long noses); they're kinda tough. Wander around until you get
to the interrogation room, and go in. Walk to the shelves and an
insurance salesman will come jumping through the mirror and ask
if you want to buy some insurance. Keep saying no until he attacks,
then kill him. Get the Adamantium Yarmulke, the best hat in the
game, from the shelf, then go up to the chief's room on the 58th
floor (use the elevator). Throw the alarm, and all the police
officers will be summoned to the zoo. Then go to the swimming
pool on the second floor (a swimming pool in a police station?).
Freeze the water and walk across to the drain. Use the Shrinking
Potion and walk down the drain. You'll fall into the sewers;
quickly use the Flying Cape to slow your fall and avoid taking
damage. After you land, make your way through the maze, grabbing
the chests, and go up the ladder into a donut shop. Vicks is here,
but when you get close to him, he will turn into an ogre called
the "Tactics Orge" and attack.
The Tactics Orge is weak against air, so use air attacks on
him like Kain's Raijin. Be *sure* to have Kain steal from him to
get the Genji Pajamas, the best clothes in the game. Aside from
its earthquake attack, the Tactics Orge is a pushover. After it
goes down, leave the donut shop and head north to the palace
gardens. Step on the switch, then switch over to Dullard's team.
Head north from the petting zoo to the reptile house. Go
through here until you get to the snake pit. If Kain pulled the
switch in the chief's office, some policeman will be wandering
around the snake pit. Hop on their heads and cross the snake pit.
Back outside, you can stop by the snack bar to buy some items,
or go into the hippo and elephant exhibits to find some greens
(big whoop). Then go north, climb up the ladder, and enter the
primate exhibit. If you wander around the ledge here, you'll
encounter Shadow Omen Goat Monkeys, who will use a variety of
enemy skillz that you can learn, including Neo-Motion Reverse
Shadow Flare Attack, which you can't get from anybody else. Then
jump on to the vine and you'll start swinging. Goat Monkeys
will swing by in the foreground and background, shooting at you.
Use your Morning Star to hit them, trying to avoid being shot
(being shot just causes you to lose HP). At the end of the
swinging sequence, leave the primate house and head north out
of the zoo to the palace gardens. Step on the switch.
All three parties should be on switches now, which will
cause the palace gates to open. Send one of your parties inside
(preferably Dullard's), where you will find Bozo and Graph waiting.
If you saved Kain, he will run in (or just start talking, if he's
already there) and tell Bozo that Bozo is a clone of him, not the
other way around. Kain starts using his mind control thing on
Bozo, and Bozo goes psycho. He then gives you the Reaper Swatter
(Kain's best weapon) and the Herpes stone, and runs off, leaving
you to deal with Graph.
If you don't have Kain along, Bozo will attack you. He
uses tarot cards for magic, just like Pokérman, so you'll recognize
his attacks. Dullard should transform with the Centaur and
Jello genes, and use Jelloltima. Lucille should cast Reflect
on each party member, then start attacking with MegaSpamblast
or El Nino, healing when necessary. Cid should just attack.
After you do enough damage, Bozo will try to use the Herpes
Kidney Stone to transform, but Graph shoots him.

BOZO: Graph... why?
GRAPH: Ha ha ha! You're the emperor now, and I'm your right hand
man! You should have known better than to trust me!
BOZO: D'oh.
BOZO:, I abdicate. You're emperor now, and I'm your right
hand man. Heh, heh.
GRAPH: I don't think so. I don't think you know who I am.
(Graph transforms and turns into Russell)
DULLARD: Ruthell!
POKERMAN: So, I-a see you're-a still trying to-a stir up-a trouble
between-a the Warren and the Flams.
RUSSELL: And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't
for your meddling kids and your warhead!
BOZO: I'm lying here dying, and you have to go and toss in another
plot twist. Fine, go ahead and ignore me. See if I care.
RUSSELL: Shut up, you idiot. I don't need you anymore.
BOZO: You're damaging my self-esteem.
RUSSELL: I said shut up!
(Russell shoots a lightning bolt at Bozo and incinerates him)
(Russell turns back into Graph and runs out the back exit)
CHARTREUSE: So Graph was behind the eradication of the Warren...
POPPIN FRESH: What's going on here? I'm totally lost.
CID: Me too. I got confused about when we first went to
ZITTI: It's called San Jose now.
CID: See? What did I tell you?
POKERMAN: Russell must-a be-a headed for the Eternal Plane of-a Spam.
The only entrance to it is-a through the tower of-a Shere
Khan here on-a Sherbet. We've got to-a stop-a him.

Whether you have Kain or not, Graph will run out the back
of the throne room into the tower of Shere Khan, the final dungeon.
Your parties will merge and you will have to pick 3 characters to
use. Also, this might be a good time to go back to the Virtola
Fighter to get healed before continuing.
Shere Khan is a pretty straightforward dungeon, just with
a lot of chests. You can pick up the Marvelous Yo-Yo, the Charon
Armor, the unpronouncable Chrzvbwjkrgnden sword, and the Statue
of Liberty's Torch, the strongest staff for Lucille. There's a
number of noteworthy enemies here: first, you can learn the Silly
String enemy skill from Mickey Harbinger (the guys that look like
a robotic version of Mickey Mouse with bat wings and a sword),
and you can learn Scientific Hammer from the Underpants Machines.
More importantly, you can steal Samurai Underpants, by far the
best armor in the game, from the Underpants Machines. Also, if
you encounter the enemy "Magic Pot", it will say it wants to be
smoked. Use a fire spell on it, but be sure that you don't inhale
or Kenneth Starr will appear and sic a grand jury on you. If
you don't inhale, the Magic Pot will run away, and you will get a
lot of experience.
Eventually, you'll reach a Save Dog on the sixth floor. Save,
then continue up to the next-to-last room on the seventh floor.
When you get here, you'll be asked to insert Disc Three.


%%%FINAL BATTLE%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

All you have to do now is use the teleporter on the left
to warp into the Eternal Plane of Spam for the final battle. If
you want to leave, use the teleporter on the right ("Did you
check the teleporter on the right?") to warp back to the Virtola
Fighter. Now that you're on Disc 3, you can fight the Penultima
Armor and check out some new mini-games in the Tin Saucer.
Upon arriving in the Eternal Plane of Spam, you will
Graph / Russell waiting for you.

DULLARD: Grapth!
GRAPH: You're too late, fools! You're just in time to witness
my triumph. You did well to make it this far, but you'll
never defeat me. You're stronger than I thought. Join me
and we will rule the world together.
TIM: La la la... I'm not listening... oh saaaay can you seeeee.....
GRAPH: Shut up!
POKÉRMAN: Hey, guys, let's-a all-a sing-a songs from-a Bill Nye
the Science Guy.
PARTY AND GRAPH: Formed by pressure, heat, and water,
We rock hard, but rocks rock harder...
GRAPH: ...wait a second. Why am I doing this?
ZITTI: I don't know.
GRAPH: Jello... Kool-Aid... Cheese... where did these things come
from? What is their meaning? I shall destroy them.
DULLARD: You'll never get away thith, Ruthell!
LUCILLE: Now that the Flams and Warren are together again, we
will defeat you!
JOHNNY: Vicks... Wedge... Sage Bubba... WhiteHose... this isn't
just our fight, but the fight of the Jello as well!
CID: [grunts, emits gas]
CHARTREUSE: In Grandfather's memory, we will defeat you!
TIM: I may be just a talking warhead, but I have feelings too!
ZITTI: My friends and family are here! Actually, only my friends
are, but MCI paid me to say that.
POPPIN FRESH: ...I like to speak... with lots of weird...!
punction marks!? ....??
POKÉRMAN: Now it's-a your-a turn to-a sleep-a between the ages!
KAIN: I'm just a secret character. I don't get to say anything.
And I'm not in the ending either, dammit.
GRAPH: This is pathetic! You sound like characters from a Final
Fantasy game! Prepare yourselves!
POKÉRMAN (singing): I like to eat... apples and bananas...
(Graph transforms into Bizzaro Russell)
TIM: Ha ha! He can't spell!
RUSSELL: Silence, mortal! I will destroy you all! Unless you
want to join me...

You can now choose whether to join Russell or not. If you
agree, Russell will just say "No, that's the wrong choice, try
again" until you choose to fight him. You have to divide your
characters up into two parties for the upcoming battle (some of
your characters will be left out). Use your best six, probably
Dullard, Lucille, Johnny, Chartreuse, Zitti, and Poppin Fresh.
The party Dullard's in will be the one to fight the boss, so pair
him with Chartreuse and probably PF.
You then take on Bizzaro Russell in your Gears, floating
out in space. The idea is to switch back and forth between groups
as you attack Bizzaro Russell's various body parts. First, attack
the thigh bone, which is connected to the leg bone, which is
connected to the hip bone, and so on until you defeat him. When
Bizzaro Russell goes down, he will turn back into normal Russell,
and Dullard's team will fight him.
Bizzaro Russell was easy, but Furious Russell isn't. Have Dullard
attack with Wheat First Butcher Singer (don't use Descension; you
want to save MP). Chartreuse should cast Rava Lawl, Steroids,
and Cheese Aura, then attack with Jasponyx Ray -- while healing,
of course. Poppin Fresh should use his best call spell. Knights
of Labor is a big help if you have it. Furious Russell's deadliest
attack is his Super Duper Call Spell of Doom, which causes the universe
to implode on itself, rains meteors down on your characters, sucks you
into a black hole, impales on you spikes, bombards you with electricity,
crushes you in between huge rocks, summons dragons to incinerate
you, and goes on for 20 minutes, but still only takes off your half
your life. He's not really that tough to kill, but the barrel
goes on forever, and you'll run out of MP easily. Use items to
restore it, and heal with items whenever possible.
Upon defeating Furious Russell, you are rewarded with... a
grey screen and the words "THE END". Dullard pops on to the screen
and says "What kind of ending ith thith?", only to realize he's
in his bed in the Nameless Imperial Capital... the whole thing
was only a dream. You now have to play through the game a second
time, but this time, collect the Golden Parcheesi Set of Amon-Ra
in the Abyss. If you have this when you fight Russell, Dullard
will challenge Russell to a game of Parcheesi after you beat
Furious Russell. Simply defeat Russell (in Parcheesi) and you've
beaten Beath of Flams! Congratulations!
You now get to watch the ending, which isn't much, but it
has pretty FMV -- basically it consists of a tomato rotating
out in space while the word "ASKANCE" flashes under it.
Personally, I don't quite understand the meaning of it, but the
graphics are really cool. After the tomato spins for a while,
you will see the credits. Leave the game on! After the credits,
a scene 500 years in the future will appear, showing Chartreuse
XXVI and two cubs running through a jungle. They look down on the
ruins of the Nameless Imperial Capital (the second one), and
speak briefly.

CUB #1: Dad?
CUB #1: When Dullard met you, you said you were 47 years old,
which was 14 in human years. That means one of your
years is about 3 1/3 human years. Now you're 547, which
would make you about 163 in human years. Shouldn't you
be dead by now?
CUB #1: Yes?

The game suddenly cuts to the Beath of Flams logo (accompanied
by laugh track), followed by "The End" flying through a fishtank.
Leave the game on for a moment and Pokérman will hop on and say
"Thank-a you-a so much for-a playing my game!" and ask if you want
to make a Clear Game save. Loading up this save will place you in a
locked room with no way out. I don't believe there's any point to
doing this.

Well, that's it for Beath of Flams, but it's not the end
yet. Stay tuned for the sequel, Beath 64: The Bagpipes of Time,
because it ain't over until the talking warhead sings!


%%%ULTIMATE WEAPON LOCATIONS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

To use the YOLS as a weapon, you must go to Viagra Falls on Disc
2 or 3 and defeat Yassir Ferret for the Viagra Stone. The stone
will repair the YOLS and allow you to use it. For more info, see
the Viagra Falls subquest.

This item is sold in the Platypus Village weapon shop (it's the
last item they get). Note that the Statue of Liberty's Torch
(found in Shere Khan) has a higher attack power, but lowers your
speed and doesn't raise your magic power like the Ouro, so it's
not as good.

To get the Weapon of Mass Destruction, simply go back to Don't
Push That Button You Fool (the lab where you met Tim) after the
Virtola Fighter is upgraded. Actually, the WoMD isn't Johnny's
best weapon, the Chaingun of Damocles, found in Sherbet, is. It
has a lower attack power, but attacks twice! You need 3 hands
to use it, however.

After getting the Leo DiCaprio stone from Elmer Fudd, equip it
on Cid and go back to Rocket Town. The power of the stone has
made Cid inexplicably popular, and he will swarmed by fans. You
have to fight, have Dullard attack with the Heaven's Crowd to
drive them off. Then talk to the guy in the town square and
he'll say the crowd left something behind, which he'll give
to you -- it's the Mars Gospel.

Score the maximum 7500 points on mole-whacking (whack every
mole), then talk to one of the people in Mole Village. For
more info, see the Chasing the Phantom Mole subquest.

You can get the Bow Knows by overloading the "Super Dufus
Brothers" game in the Tin Saucer's Arcade Octagon on Disc 3.
For more info on how to do this, see the Tin Saucer Bonus
Games side quest.

Back when you were trading Beanie Babies in NoName, you may have
noticed a man on the left of the screen in an alley, but you
probably didn't pay too much attention to him because he only
says "..." at first. However, if you return after completing major
events in the game, he will start to make different comments - be
forewarned that you must hear ALL of these to be able to get the

"... I have the world's best axe!"
"I'll give it to you ... for a price."
"You must bring me the Mauve Tail."
"You can win it from fighting a group of Mauve Puffs."
"You only have a 1 in 32,767 chance of getting it!"
"The Mauve Puffs are in the same room in Shere Khan as a chest
containing a 'jello spear'"

After this, when you walk up to him, he will simply ask if you
have the Mauve Tail. The problem is, not only are there no Mauve
Puffs in the game, there is no Jello Spear either. Go to Shere
Khan, go to the teleporter room (so you're on Disc 3), then
leave. Return to NoName and talk to the man again. This time,
after you talk to him, this conversation will ensue:

MAN: Do you have the Mauve Tail?
DULLARD: You bathtard! There ith no mauve tail!
MAN: You have to defeat more Mauve Puffs.
DULLARD: There are no Mauve Puffs! Just give me the axth!
MAN: Not unless you give me the mauve tail.
DULLARD: Thath it!!!!

After this, Dullard will attack the man. You fight one-on-one, but
since the guy is just a merchant, he dies in one hit anyway, and
you win the Kickaxe.

You can get either of these weapons by going to the Sun with
a Burnt Hippo (see the Burnt Hippo quest), but you can only
take one. The HP Mumble is stronger, but the Setting Sun
will attack everyone.

If you have Kain along, Bozo will just give you this in
Sherbet and you don't have to fight him.

%%%GEAR PARTS LOCATIONS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Win in the Not-So-Special Battle in the coliseum in Iyar. To
access the NSS Battle, you have to win all 6 rounds of the regular
battle first.

The only way to get these parts is to steal them from Aerith
(using Kain) when Posh Spice turns into her.

Go to Noodleheim and enter the one remaining house. There's
a piano here. Play the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song
on it and you will receive the parts for no apparent reason.

Give the Pocket Thesaurus to one of the people in Hicksville.

Sage Bubba gives you these parts when you return to Cosmo Mountain
on Disc 2.

In the furnace of the submarine.

Take a hippo east from New Formaldehyde, through the Red Tape
Swamp, and enter the small house. Here you'll find Dogbert, who
will give you the DNRC Parts.

(NOTE: To learn DNRC, you only need the Suplexiglass, Siding,
GiantSling, and BabelRebuild abilities)

Pokérman and Kain don't have Gear Parts because their Gears only
have one ability. Tim doesn't have Gear Parts because he doesn't
even have a Gear.

%%%ENEMY SKILLZ LOCATIONS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Funky Flow:
- Start with after learning enemy skillz from
Chop-Chop Master Potato (in NoName or Banana Town)

Nose Blower:
- Demonic Beanie Baby (boss, NoName)
- Shapeshifter, in nose form (boss, Formaldehyde)
- Nasal Probes (Pointless Pipe Maze in Smidlock)
- Sniffer (Sherbet Police Station)

Coin Toss:
- Accountants From Hell (Rocket Area)
- Charles Schwab Clones (boss, Castle Weaselstein;

Diarrhea Song:
- Evil Toilets (Muffin Man's Manor)
- Pavarotti's Ghost (boss, The Volcano)
- Evil Omen Goat Monkey (boss, Smidlock)

Get Cloud!:
- Ballbeezy Ball (boss, Ballbeezy Cave)

Stop Pants:
- Pavarotti's Ghost (boss, The Volcano)
- Laundryman (Desert of Life)

Moderately Large Guard:
- La Pared (boss, The Volcano)
- Stucco Golem (Mithril Mines)

- BigToaster (boss, Carl'sWorkspace)

Good Breath:
- Mall Ball (Shinsplint Ruins, The Jungle)

- Rush Limbaugh (Noodle Region)

Green Wind:
- Goat Monkeys (The Jungle)
- Evil Omen Goat Monkey (boss, Smidlock)
- Shadow Omen Goat Monkeys (The Abyss)

L.? ????:
- Evil Omen Goat Monkey (Smidlock)
- Shadow Omen Goat Monkeys (The Abyss)

- Chain-Smoking Chimeras (Fort Nicotina)

L.4 Suicide:
- Dr. Kevorkian (HMO)

Life Roulette:
- Life Dealer (Cosmo Mountain)

Monkey Takes A Shine:
- Coconut Monkey (The Jungle)

- Hippos, cast L.5 Suicide on them (any hippo tracks)

Fruit Punch:
- Space Chimps (Atoll west island)

Angel's Shout:
- Jello Elementals (Eternal Plane of Jello)
- Shadow Omen Goat Monkeys (The Abyss)

Grand Subway:
- Archmage Soho (Supreme Temple of Jello)

Voodoo Economics
- Ronald Reagan (Voodoo Isle)

Scientific Hammer:
- C3PO (Mineral Tower)
- Underpants Machine (Shere Khan)

Silly String:
- Mickey Harbinger (Shere Khan)

Neo-Motion Reverse Shadow Flare Attack:
- Shadow Omen Goat Monkeys (The Abyss)

After getting all enemy skillz, go back and talk to Chop-Chop
Master Potato in Banana Town. He will give you the Mad Skillz
accessory, which allows Johnny to use two different enemy skillz
on the same turn.

%%%HIPPO BREEDING%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Once you've returned to the Imperial Continent on Disc 2, you can
begin hippopotamus breeding. To do so, go to the Hippopotamus
Stable southeast of Noodleheim. Talk to Hippo Billy. You can
rent stables from him for 10,000 nudeln a piece. Then you can
go to any hippo footprints, fight a hippo, and capture is as
usual. You'll then start riding it. Get it off, and you can
choose to either let it go free or to send it back to the hippo

Once you've caught a hippo, go back to the stables and you can
feed it greens. If you've got hippos of both genders, you can
mate them together by using a green to get a new hippo. To get
the good greens, you have to buy them from the Hippo Sage. His
hut is located in a tiny patch of grass almost surrounded by
mountains on the Frozen Northern Continent (west of Noodleheim).
You can get there once you have the UFO.

Hippo breeding is a complicated process, but it's not too
difficult if you follow the steps in the correct order:

1) First, rent at least four stables from Hippo Billy.

2) Capture a "Contreged" hippo (found near Formaldehyde / San
Jose) and a "Concoy" hippo (found near Timbuktu). Mate them
together with Quayle Greens and you should get a Purple

3) Release the Contreged and Concoy hippos.

4) Now capture two "Dabba-Dappening" hippo (found in the Forest
Region) and feed them each 16 Quayle Greens. Mate them
together with Bluan Greens to get a Beige Hippo, which can
go through deserts.

5) Release the Dabba-Dappening hippos.

6) Win a B-Class race at the Hippo Square and get Lincoln Greens.
Mate the Purple and Beige Hippos together with Lincoln Greens
and you'll get a Chunky Hippo.

7) Take the Chunky Hippo to the Soggy Frontier and ride to the
north past the hills to a small cave. Enter and open the lone
chest for the Kamikaze Yo-Yo for Pokérman.

8) Free all your hippos except the Chunky Hippo.

9) Race two hippos up to LMNOP-Class and mate them together.
You'll get a River Hippo.

10) Fly with the Virtola Fighter to the island a screen or two
west from the Atoll (where Emmomucca's lab is). Land here
and walk around until you fight Space Chimps. You can learn
the Fruit Punch enemy skill from them, and they will drop
Carrot Greens when defeated.

11) Mate the River Hippo with a "Dabba-Dappening" hippo and
use the Carrot Greens. You'll get the Galapagos Hippo,
which can swim through any kind of water.

12) Get a "Conkurtis" Hippo (found near New Formaldehyde) and
mate it with your Chunky Hippo, using Carrot Greens.
You'll get an Albino Hippo.

13) Release all the hippos except the Galapagos Hippo and
Albino Hippo.

14) Race both the Galapagos and Albino up to LMNOP-Class, then
mate them with Bluan Greens (yes, Bluan Greens) for an All-
Terrain Hippo.

15) Release the Galapagos Hippo and Albino Hippo.

16) Get Kain in your party (see The Abyss quest).

17) Take your hippo or the Virtola Fighter southeast from New
Formaldehyde, and you'll see three islands. Land on the
middle island and walk around until Ronald Reagan appears.
Have Kain steal from him and you'll get the Reagan Greens.
Then let him use his Voodoo Economics attack, and Johnny
will learn it.

18) Catch a "Swell" hippo from near Frost Lodge and race it up
to LMNOP-Class.

19) Mate the LMNOP-Class hippo with the All-Terrain Hippo and
use the Reagan Greens. You should get the Gold Hippo, the
ultimate hippo! It can go anywhere in the entire game
except Sherbet.

20) Finally, take the Gold Hippo to Rhombus Isle, east from
Emmomucca's house. With the Gold Hippo, you can walk up the
mountains around the island and into the forest in the center.
Then enter the cave and touch the crystal to receive Knights
of Labor, the ultimate call spell. It summons a group of
striking workers to attack your opponents with picket signs.

Gray Hippo -- Generic hippo, can run through grass, forest, and
Purple Hippo -- Same as Gray Hippo, but runs faster.
Beige Hippo -- Can run through grass, forest, desert, and over
short mountains.
Chunky Hippo -- Can run through grass, forest, desert, and
swamps, and over short mountains.
River Hippo -- Same as Gray Hippo, but can cross rivers.
Galapagos Hippo -- Can through grass, forest, swamps, and all
types of water (rivers, lakes, ocean).
Albino Hippo -- Can run through grass and climb any kind of
All-Terrain Hippo -- Can run through grass, forest, swamps,
deserts, over short mountains, and can cross
all types of water.
Gold Hippo -- Same as above, but can climb all mountains and
swim up waterfalls.
Burnt Hippo -- Can go to the Sun. See the Burnt Hippo sidequest.

%%%TIN SAUCER GAMES%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Here you can play a bonus game in which you fly around in a
UFO while people in a roller coaster take potshots at you.
The idea is to survive as long as possible. If you can
survive for five minutes, you will win a Pitcher of Kool-Aid.

Also, the first time you do this, Wedge and Vicks will show
up and say they want to hang out with you because you seem
to be able to avoid death. Take them to the Gondola Octagon,
and you'll all get on. However, Dullard will get off at the
last moment, causing Wedge, Vicks, and a kid named Alexander
to fall to their deaths on the faulty ride. Alexander complains
that he's having a horrible, terrible, no good very bad day,
and then you get the Alexander call spell.


In this game, you have 15 seconds to shoot as many targets as
you can. There are 30 targets, each of which appears at a
random location and remains on the screen for a quarter of a
second. Needless to say, this game is rather difficult. It
costs 200 nudeln to play.

0 - 9 targets hit: nothing
10 - 20 targets hit: Potion
21 - 29 targets hit: Fairy Rutabaga
All 30 targets hit (yeah, right): Jello Packet

Here, you have to hit a plate with a hammer to ring the bell --
it's a classic test of strength booth. To play, press X to stop
the power meter when it's high as possible. Unfortunately, the
power meter moves so fast it's just a blur, and no matter where
you stop it, it always ends up at nothing, causing Dullard to
miss the target entirely and hit the cement floor. Normally,
this just means you wasted 500 nudeln to play, but if you're
using a Dual Shock, watch out! The shock you get here may
literally knock you out of your chair.

You can choose from 3 cars: the Honda, the 18 Wheeler, or the
Pinto. DO NOT PICK THE PINTO. If you pick the pinto, as soon as
you ram another car, the pinto will explode and you die.

The object of Bumper Cars is to ram the 5 other cars in the arena
until they explode. Whenever you ram a car, you take a small amount
of damage. If you ram a car from the back, it does the most damage,
unless you hit it into a wall, in which case the car crashes. A
crashed car can’t move, it just waits to explode. The 18 wheeler
can take the most damage, but the Honda has better handling, and the
Pinto destroys the whole world when it is used. If you lose the match,
you get the character back with 1 HP.

When you win a match, you get a rock. When you get 10 rocks, you
can trade them in for a random item. The Item can be anything from
a Crappy Potion to the Moose Antlers (best helmet for Chartreuse).

If you can crash the other cars without having any of them explode,
you get a special car -- the M1 Abrams Battletank. In the tank, press
Triangle to shoot a shell. Two or three shells will destroy most
cars. If you can win without suffering any damage, all the enemies
become Wedge and Vicks. You can only do this as the battletank, because
ramming causes some damage to you.

Sometimes, the Batmobile will be an opponent. If you blow up the
Batmobile, you can find the Superhero Clothes, which are good armor.

You can tell this game has problems when you first come here. The
booth operator asks you if want to play, but if you say "No", he
will force you to play anyway. You then have to wager anywhere
from 100 to 9900 nudeln on the game.

You then just play Tic-Tac-Toe against the booth operator, who
always goes first. There are three ways to score, and the highest
score after the board has been filled wins.

BONUS POINT (1 point): Get one of your marks surrounded by three
opposing marks. For example, if you were playing with the Xs,
you would get a bonus point for this situation:

ZIG-ZAG (2 points): Get four marks in a zig-zag pattern:

TIC-TAC-TOE (3 points): Get three marks in a row.

Note that only the booth operator can get Bonus Points and
Zig-Zags; if you get them he will "not notice" them and you get
no credit for them. The only way you can score is by Tic-Tac-
Toe. Since the computer always goes first, this game is a wee
bit difficult to win. If you do win, you'll get double your
bet. If you tie or lose, you lose all the money you bet.

It costs 150 nudeln to ride the slide. Nothing special happens,
you just go down a slide. The scary part is that this is
probably the best part of the whole Tin Saucer.

Another classic carnival game. This one is semi-legitimate.
For 300 nudeln, you get six balls to toss at tin cans. You use
the d-pad to aim, and hold Triangle to charge up throw power,
then release to throw (the more you charge, the harder and
farther you'll throw). If you charge too much, you'll drop
the ball and lose that attempt.

No cans hit: You get a consolation prize -- a "Free Play"! You're
forced to play the game again, but it doesn't cost
1-3 cans hit: No prize, but at least you can quit.
4 cans hit: You win some Wonderbread. You do not get a Free Play.
5 cans hit: You win "a Free Play for only 1000 nudeln". The booth
operator will take 1000 nudeln from you, and then force
you to play again.
6 cans hit: You win a Pandora's Box, which, when used, will randomly
cast any spell in the game. It can only be used once.
You also win a Free Play, and are forced to play again.

To fully appreciate this ride, you must have the actual game
dialogue. And so here it is.

BOOTH OPERATOR: This is the Haunted House! A thrilling, exciting,
TIM: The fact that there's no line is speaking a lot louder than
his cheesy pitch.
BOOTH OPERATOR: You want to ride, ride, ride? It's 4000 nudeln.

If you say no:
DULLARD: I'll path.
ZITTI: Smart move, Dullard.

If you say yes, but don't have enough money:
BOOTH OPERATOR: No, no, no! You don't have, have, have enough money!
TIM: I guess we don't, don't, don't!

If you say yes:
BOOTH OPERATOR: Yeah! You can, can, can, get on the ride!
[the party gets on the ride]
BOOTH OPERATOR: There was something else I was supposed to tell you,
but I can't remember what it was.
[the ride starts and enters a tunnel. The car chugs along, stopping
frequently. It passes a cheesy ghost painted onto the wall with a
big sign reading "BOO". The ride approached a hole in the track and
falls in]
DULLARD: Aaaaaaah!
[the party lands in a cave]
BOOTH OPERATOR (from above): Oh, I remember now. The ride's broken.
I'm terrible sorry about that.

You then have to fight your way out of the cave, which is five levels
big. There are no chests or anything, so there is absolutely no
reason to want to be there. In other words, don't get on the ride.

The booth operator asks you if you're "a competitor", and then
asks you if you want to see if you can pound a nail into a block of
wood faster than a robot. You have to press Triangle as fast as you
can. Although this game totally shreds your fingers, at least
you *can* win it. If you do win, you'll get a Pounding Mallet, a
mole-whacking mallet. It costs 300 nudeln to play the game.

For 800 nudeln, you can reach into the Grab Bag and pull out
an item. However, you ALWAYS pull out a Crappy Sword, which has
0 attack power. Stay far away.

It costs 500 nudeln to pinky wrestle against a sumo wrestler.
You literally lose this one before you start -- the sumo wrestler
will "pin" you, and then the booth operator will say "Go!". Since
you've already been pinned, you lose.

You can race Hippos that you've caught or breeded here. All hippos
start as C-Class, but if you win five races with a certain hippo,
it will move up to B-Class. Win five more, and you move up to
A-Class, and five more to reach LMNOP-Class. In LMNOP-Class,
you will occasionally race Hippo Joe and his black hippo Harvey.
Beating Hippo Joe will earn you a slew of prizes, including the
Persecutor bow for Zitti and the Magic Sombrero, the best helmet
in the game. Winning any other race will get you a randomly-
determined prize based on the class:

C-Class: Curious Greens, Granola Bar, Hanson CD
B-Class: Lincoln Greens, Barneyskin Rug, Oatmeal
A-Class: Samolen Greens*, Kool-Aid Pitcher, Pandora's Box,
Trance Harp
LMNOP-Class: Worthless Watch, Nonconformer, Jello Packet

* (if you win Samolen Greens, you don't actually get them because
there is no such thing as Samolen Greens)

You can also bet on the hippo races. All you get from this is


Remember how you operated the lighthouse controls? Well, this
is an expanded version of it. You control a dog wandering around
town, and the goal is to "mark your terrority" on as many fire
hydrants as you can before you're caught by the pound. It's similar
to Paperboy, just with a different object. Be sure to pick up
the "Long Range" powerup, it makes marking your territory a lot
easier. At the end of the game, you're rewarded based on how
many fire hydrants you marked:
0 - 5 hydrants: No prize
6 - 10 hydrants: Power Ade
11 - 19 hydrants: Armor Refit
20 - 29 hydrants: Oatmeal
30 hydrants: Firehose

This game took me forever to win. First of all, the graphics
are so pixelled you can't even tell what they reprsent. You
play as what appears to be an orange raccoon, standing on a
plain brown ground with a bright blue sky. Use the R2 button
to jump and avoid the red lines (I think it's supposed to be
a frisbee) that the red bird (?) is throwing at you. Be
warned that it takes about a second for your raccoon to jump
after you press R2. After about a minute of this, a garbled
voice will say something, a black hat (although it looks more
like a squished beetle) will fall down. Move under it and it
will land on your head -- if you miss it, you can't win. Once
you get it, you can fly by pressing the Select button very
rapidly (and I do mean very rapidly). Fly over the bird's head,
then stop pressing select. You'll fall on the bird and the
hat will explode. The garbled voice will say something more,
and you win the game. You then receive the Jet-Powered Sandals
for your efforts. However if you don't pick up the hat, and
manage to avoid the frisbee for an entire hour, the game will
overload, and you will somehow receive the Bow Knows, the best
weapon in the game for Zitti.

The G Trike game is just a rehash of the tricycle chase you
played outside the Imperial Prison. It's broken, so you have
to bring Cid along to fix it. The game's pretty fun, but
the prizes are lousy -- you just get generic items like Granola
Bars or Jumper Cables.

In this peculiar racing game ("The Real Trolley Simulator"), you
play as a rhinocerous driving a trolley through a mountainous
road in Switzerland, racing against some other rhinos also
driving trolleys. Their trolleys are all special racing models,
while you're stuck with a puny Ford Dromedary. In addition,
it's raining out, your trolley has no brakes, and if you slow
below 50 mph, a bomb attached to the trolley will blow up.
Believe it or not, though, it's actually quite easy to win,
thanks to the incompetent computer AI -- they'll drive right
off the road or just stop entirely. (Guess Carpcum must have
been hurrying to finish the game). If you win, you can either
take nudeln (real nudeln) or a better trolley with which to
play next time. This isn't that bad a way of earning money;
it's pretty slow, but mildly amusing.

This is just the same game as when the Trix Rabbit fought the
Lucky Charms leprechaun -- you even have the same characters.
Once again, R2 punches, Select kicks, Square blocks, and R3
(the analog trigger) jumps. If you win, all you get is another
Rainbow Axe. Joy.

The Virtual Reality game costs 10,000 nudeln to play, so it
must be pretty cool, right? Even if there is a sign right next
to it that says "Caveat emptor"? Wrong. Once you pay your
money, Dullard straps on the VR helmet and you find yourself...
mole-whacking. Yes, that's right, this is just a mole-whacking
simulator. And since it's virtual reality, you don't even get
to keep the moles you whack. There's absolutely no point in
wasting your money here -- if you want to go mole-whacking, just
find a mole-whacking spot in the overworld and do it for free.

%%%RUSH LIMBAUGH%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

As you may remember, Rush Limbaugh was floating around in the
swamps near the town of NoName. The first time you visit NoName,
he's way too tough to beat, but once you return to the Imperial
Capital, you have a chance of winning. First, though, equip
the Contract With America accessory you got from Newt Gingrich,
then talk to him. Rush will see that you've got the Contract
and trade you an NRA Membership Card for it.

The NRA Membership Card lets you get the Big Ol' Gun for Johnny
by talking to the NRA guy in Timbuktu. This is a powerful
weapon, but it has a low hit rate.

If you run into Rush *without* the Contract With America
equipped, you'll have to fight him. Be sure to use Johnny in
your party, as Rush Limbaugh casts the powerful Epsilon spell,
which Johnny can learn. Use Loss of Torso to lower Rush's
high defense, and Rava Brraire or Rava Lawl to boost your
magic defense (againt Epsilon) -- in other words, bring Zitti.
You don't get anything for beating Rush, just the Epsilon
skill. If you didn't get the skill (Johnny got killed), Rush
reappears right after you beat him, so just take him on again.

%%%CHEF BOYARDEE%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

After getting the Virtola Fighter, fly back to New Formaldehyde
and talk to Chef Boyardee. He says he needs some ingredients
for his cooking: a clownmole, a monkey bladder, a red mole,
some stew, and some stale bread.

- The Clownmole is just a mole you can whack; it's found on the
Icy Northern Continent.

- Same with the Red Mole; this one's even right outside New

- For the Stale Bread, you need either a "Loaf of Stale Bread"
or "Stale French Bread" item (both are weapons for Lucille).
They're bought from Molenillo; check the mole-whacking section
for details.

- To get the Stew, go back to the Avery Woods and go down the
hole into the Mole Village. In one of the houses you'll find
a mole that just says "Stewwwwww...". He'll give you some Stew
the first time you talk to him.

- The Monkey Bladder is toughest to get. You have to run around
in the Shinsplint jungle until you encounter Coconut Monkey.
He says he would shake your hand but he has no arms, to which
Dullard replies that he only wants CM's bladder. You then have
to fight him. Use Dullard, Tim, and Johnny or Poppin Fresh.
Johnny can learn Monkey Takes a Shine (30 MP, causes spam damage
and randomly poisons all enemies), and Funky Flow can do some big
damage to CM. Poppin Fresh's Mr. Bubbles can rack up immense damage
Dullard should use the Bone and Eldredge genes. Dullard should heal
and the Bone gene will protect him from Monkey Takes a Shine. Tim
should nuke CM and get revived by whoever has chance. This is a tough
battle so be cautious. After dealing tons of damage, CM will say
"TIME TO GO POSTAL!" He will grow and you'll have to fight in your
gears. Kool-Aid Impact should use its best single-target attack, the
Alexandria should use Defense and Hyper Drive, then attack, and
the Jolly Green Giant should use Vine Grip to paralyze CM.
Coconut Monkey has only one attack called "Quad Nine" which does 9999
points of damage to one character and never misses. The gears should
use the above attacks and revive a character when they die. Each hit
will do 1 point of damage, but CM only has 10 HP. After winning this
long battle, you'll recieve the folowing: (drum roll) a Crappy Potion.
Move to the spot CM was standing and check it. It will say "Recieved
Monkey Bladder, Monkey Suit, and Good Old Mother &#%*@!" The Monkey
Suit is good armor and the Good Old Mother &#%*@! is a strong sword.
As for the bladder, it's what Chef Boyardee wanted.

After getting all the ingredients, take them to Chef Boyardee.
He'll finish his cooking, then you get the Chef Boyardee call
spell. Similar to Final Fantasy's Odin, it uses an instant death
attack that kills most normal enemies.

%%%THE COLISEUM%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Once you've taken control of the Virtola Fighter, you can go back
to Iyar and fight one-on-one battles at the coliseum. Just sit
back and watch, because not only can you NOT CONTROL YOUR
CHARACTER, you can't even choose which character you use! (Just
pray the computer doesn't pick Tim).

There are six rounds of enemies. After each one, you'll be
asked if you want to continue, and given the choices "On course!"
(yes) or "Off course!" (no). Of course, you can't choose, the
computer decides for you. Depending on when you quit, you'll
receive different prizes (a list is forthcoming):
1st round: Power-Ade
2nd round: Jreat Jem Ring
3rd round: Joy Buzzer
4th round: Durald Armor
5th round: Jello Flying Cloth

If you make it to the sixth round, you fight Toilet Duck. Defeat him
and you'll be taken back to the coliseum. Toilet Duck says he's
impressed and asks to help you. You then get the Toilet Duck call

After you get Toilet Duck, talk to all the coliseum and you'll
find a guy who tells you about the "Not-So-Special Battle". After
talking to this guy, go back to the coliseum and you'll be given
the choice to enter the Not-So-Special Battle. Like the normal
battle, you can't control yourself here, but this is even tougher.
You'll have to be at least level 90 to have any chance of winning.
If you make it through all six rounds of the NSS Battle, you'll
receive the Omnislushee Gear Parts for Kool-Aid Impact.

%%%MT. COOL WHIP%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mt. Cool Whip is located in a valley in the lower-right corner of
the Icy Northern Continent. To get here, you need either the
upgraded Virtola Fighter or an Albino (or better) Hippo, both of
which can cross mountains.

When you first enter Mt. Cool Whip, a message will pop up on the
screen giving you a bunch of unintelligible gibberish about how
to navigate the mountain. Basically, what you have to do is
freeze the elk with your Ice Wand and put them in the bear traps
to close the traps and allow you to get by. You'll also want to
use the Eldredge gene to raise Dullard's agility on the ice.

Head up the trail, freezing elk and putting them in traps. When
you come to a bend in the trail, go around it and you'll cut to
a separate screen. Freeze an elk and drop into the bear trap on
the ledge below you. Then jump on top of the frozen elk and
leap over the next bear trap. Open the chest for the Supershot
QVC, then jump on the trampoline and you'll bounce up to the
top ledge (where you started this screen). Save at the Save Dog,
then jump on the other trampoline and you'll fly into a cave.

You'll be caught by Squawks the parrot, and now you fly Squawks
through the cave without touching any of the icicles that cover
the walls. Remember the level Bramble Scramble from Donkey Kong
Country 2? Well, this is like it, but there's also icicles falling
down on you, gusts of wind that blow you around, power blackouts
that leave you in darkness, and worse of all, if you die, Squawks
starts laughing at you. This will take you many, many, tries to
complete. There's a bag with the Wiitigo Yo-Yo in the upper-right
corner, but you may not want to try to get it.

After you finally make it out of the cave, Dullard will kill
Squawks (yay!), and you fall into a frozen forest. Use the Hookshot
to swing between trees until you reach a sloping tree branch.
This will take you to the ground, but don't go down it yet.
Instead, freeze three monkeys and toss one to the harpy eagle.
While the eagle is eating the monkey, hop on its back and toss
the monkey to the next eagle. Repeat for the third eagle. Past
the eagles, you'll find a chest with the Siren Harp, the best harp
in the game. It charms enemies when you use it, and is very useful.

Now go back to the sloping branch and slide down. Grab the Jello
Packet in the bag, then hop off. Head right through the forest
until you get to a cave entrance. Use the Morning Star to smash
the boulders outside it, then enter. Open the chest for the
Apocalypso sword, but don't jump down the hole! It takes you back
to the start.

You now have to freeze more elk and throw them around until you hit
the torches on the wall. Every torch you hit will build part of a
staircase. Keep trying until you get the staircase built, then go
up. You'll now be on the peak of Mt. Cool Whip. Use the Flame Wand
to melt a path through the snow and go up to the top. Enter the
shrine and talk to Mr. Cool Whip, who's meditating. Mr. CW says
that he'll be glad to help defeat the Spam, and you get the Mr. Cool
Whip call spell! Then go back to the hole and jump down to leave.

%%%CHASING THE PHANTOM MOLE%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

This is a pretty short quest. First, go to Mole Village, where
you'll hear someone mention the rare Phantom Mole, which nobody
has ever whacked. Only a mole-whacker of legendary skill could
whack it. You now must score at least 5000 mole-whacking points
by whacking moles of various types to add them to your list. Be
sure to get a mole that's at least the average size or you won't
get any points it.

When you earn at least 5000 points, you will be awarded the
"Legendary Whacker" title. Now go back to Mole Village and you'll
be given the Phantom Mallet. Next, you need an All-Terrain Hippo;
see the Hippo Breeding section to learn how to get it. Once you
have an All-Terrain Hippo, ride it across the Sea of Formaldehyde
and search the coastline for a bit of forest where you can
disembark (it's near Don't Push That Button You Fool). You're
now at the Phantom Forest. There's nothing special here except
for the mole-whacking spot. Here you can find the Phantom Mole,
which can only be whacked with the Phantom Mallet. Even then,
it's tricky.

Once you whack the Phantom Mole, you'll receive a huge number of
mole-whacking points, plus the Phantom Mole itself. You can sell
it for 2500 nudeln (big whoop), or use it as an item to temporarily
drop the encounter rate to 0. If you get good at whacking Phantom
Moles, you can use them repeatedly to make the final dungeons a lot
easier (and less tedious).

The most important part of the Phantom Mole quest is the mole points
it gives you. You see, by whacking every type of mole in the game
(the Phantom Mole included) and obtaining a perfect score of 7500
points, you'll be given the title of Master Whacker. Now go back
to Mole Village and talk to the guy who gave you the Phantom Mallet.
If you've got all 7500 points, he will give you the Unlimited Moon,
Chartreuse XXVI's best weapon.

%%%THE ABYSS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

To enter the Abyss, you must first have beaten Villanova Labs and
shut down the Spam Reactor. Then go to the Forbidden Temple and
go back to the room where Russell appeared. Use the Legendarrye
Sworde on the pedestal and you'll be sucked into The Abyss.

This place is all black, except for Dullard, who appears normal.
If you use the Fire Wand, you can temporarily light up the area,
but that's it. To get anywhere, you must stumble around blindly
while cursing the fools who made this game. There's a couple
of chests in here, one of which has the Chainletter Mail, some
good armor. Eventually, you'll come to a (lit) room with eight
switches. The correct position is random, so just try every
combination (heh) until the door opens. Go through and open the
chest for the Mario (that's pronounced "Marry-o") Banjo.

Now go back out of the room and look around for the glowing
green pad. This will flip you up onto the ceiling. Look around
until you find a crack on the floor (ceiling), fall down (up)
through it, and use the Power Glove to hit the statue. Find
another pad to warp back to the floor (of course, this is all
in the dark still). Go back to the room where you found the
Mario Banjo and there will be another statue. Hit it with the
Power Glove and it will collapse, revealing a door. Go through,
walk up to the altar and use the Mario Banjo. Ragu, a giant
jar of spaghetti sauce, will appear and attack you.

This is a Gear battle, so be sure to use characters with good
Gears (Chartreuse especially, and the Hornet is also good due
to its defensive abilities). Ragu's sole attack is Bomb, which
pelts you with great failures like the Virtual Boy, Godzilla,
and Crystal Coke. This does a tremendous amount of damage, so
equip those Saturday Night Fevers (buy 'em from Molenillo).

After defeating Ragu, Kain will climb out of the jar (covered
in spaghetti sauce) and thank you for rescuing him. He explains
that he Bozo imprisoned him in the jar when he refused to do his
bidding. Dullard explains that Kain isn't really a clone of
Bozo, Bozo is a clone of Kain, and talks about the Warren. Kain
will decide to come with the party, and he joins for good!

Now walk up onto the altar where Ragu was. There will be a flash
of light and Dullard with receive the Finite Woodchuck Gene.
This allows him to transform into the useless Kaiserchuck, which
is identical to Dullard except for its shoe color, and it sucks
up your MP very quickly. Don't bother with it. Before leaving
the Abyss (the same way you came in), be sure to have Kain steal
from one of the Shadow Omen Goat Monkeys in here to get a
Wolverine Badge.

(Note that if you let Kain die in the Plaid Catacombs, you can't
get him, although you still can fight Ragu and get the Finite Gene)

%%%BURNT HIPPO%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

First, get your Kain in your party -- you need him to do this
trick. First, buy some Cardboard weapons from the shops in
Frost Lodge. Then go to any set of hippo tracks and get into
a fight with a hippo. First, give it some greens, then have
Kain throw a Cardboard weapon at it. It will stick to the
hippo. Quickly cast any fire spell on the hippo and it will
be set on fire. Now capture it like any other hippo, and
you'll get the Burnt Hippo. You can't actually ride around
on the Burnt Hippo, but if you board it, you'll be asked if
you want to go to the sun. Say yes and you'll be taken to
the sun, where... take on the Pachydermatologist, an elephant skin doctor.
It isn't too hard, but the heat of the sun makes you take
damage constantly, so try to defeat it as quickly as possible
using water and air attacks. When you defeat the
Pachydermatologist, it will say it will give you something
if you leave it alone, and ask you whether you want a yo-yo
or a boomerang. If you take the yo-yo, you get the HP Mumble,
the best yo-yo, but if you take the boomerang, you get the
best boomerang, the Setting Sun. The Setting Sun is a little
bit weaker than the HP Mumble, but it attacks everybody. It's
your call, but I'd probably go with the Setting Sun.

%%%PENULTIMA ARMOR / VIAGRA FALLS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

To get to Viagra Falls, you need either a Gold Hippo, or be on
Disc 3. If you have the hippo, ride it to the north rim of the
Southern Continent and look for the big mountain. Ride the hippo
up the waterfall and you'll enter Viagra Falls. If you don't
have the hippo, get to Disc 3, and you'll see the Penultima
Armor (the big polka-dotted dragon) flying around. Run it on
the Virtola Fighter to fight it. As soon as the battle begins,
it will end, and the Penultima Armor will fly away. Chase
after it and it will keep flying away until you get to Viagra
Falls. Ram it with the Virtola Fighter and it will smash into
the mountain.

(the screen goes black)
JOHNNY: Huh? What happened?
DULLARD: Lookth like thomeone forgot to put a FMV thene in here.
POPPIN FRESH: Look, guys! A sword just appeared for no apparent
Received Penultima Weapon!

In addition to getting the Penultima Weapon, which (as you might
guess from the name) is the second-best sword in the game, the
Penultima Armor has smashed a big hole in the side of the falls,
allowing you to reach it by landing the Virtola Fighter on top
and walking down the trail.

Once you arrive at Viagra Falls, you need to find a way down to
the bottom. Open the chest for an Inflatable Dinghy. If you
ride it, you'll fall down the falls (no pun intended) and die.
So don't. Instead, set it down in the water and quickly toss
a bomb in it. The Dinghy will crash into a manatee and blow
up, killing it. Some EPA guys will run in and try to grab
Dullard. Jump on their heads, and then jump onto the ledge
onto the left. First grab the can of Mace (the Mace of Zeus),
then climb down the vine and enter the cave. Go left and
pick up the Doom Swatter (assuming you have Kain), then use
the Growth Potion and throw the really big lever. This will
open a set of stairs. Go down and go outside.

Back at the falls, use the Hookshot to go up and right and
cross the bridge with the Pegasus Galoshes. Grab the
Megalomania Robe, the best robe in the game, from the chest,
then descend until you get to another cave. Inside, go right
and then down. Head west and use a bomb on the small crack
on the floor. In an endearing scene, Dullard has trouble
figuring out how to ignite the thing, and will eventually set
his pants on fire. Screaming like a banshee, Dullard will
thread his way the cave -- there are no chests down here, so
you aren't missing anything other than random battles -- and
ends up extinguishing his rear in a healing pool.

Save your game at the nearby Save Dog, heal at the pool if
necessary, then continue on through the rusted door to the
north. In the maze on the other side, go north, west, up, east,
up, through the log, west, up, jump over the winged mole while
being careful not to land on it, south, then spin around on the
carousel until you're flung up, up, and away. You'll now land
back on a cliff outside the falls. From here, go south, and
you'll come across a decrepit log cabin. Inside, you'll find
three chests with a Jello Packet, a Kool-Aid Pitcher, and the
Plutonium Rockets, which are better than the Extra Payload
for Tim. There's also a peculiar pink-coloured door.

If you try to open the door, Dullard will mention its odd smell
("...Thpam?") and decline opening it. He's also unwilling to
use Bombs, for some reason. This place is easy to get stuck at,
but what you have to do is neutralize the door. To do
this, you'll have to waste the Jello Packet you've just found.
Move Dullard in front of the door then go to the Items screen. Use
the Packet, then return to the main screen. The door will be gone.

Go through and you'll run into none other than Yassir Ferret,
who was been revived with the power of the Kidney Stones. He
summons four William Shatner Clones and attacks. The Shatner
clones will use their powers of slow speech to slow your
characters, so defeat them first (and bring Zitti so she can
cast Caffeinate to boost your speed again). Leave one remaining
so Yassir won't summon more, then attack him (don't use any
group attack spells or you might kill the clone on accident).
After you defeat Yassir Ferret, the clones and Yassir will
explode, and you get the Viagra Kidney Stone. The Viagra Stone
will straighten out the Bent Sword (er... no comment), allowing
you to equip it -- it's Dullard's best weapon. You're then
automatically teleported back to the map screen.

%%%TIN ARMOR%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Once you're on Disc 3, take the Virtola Fighter back to the
desert around the Tin Saucer. You'll see something tan moving
around in the sand (hey, that rhymed). Run into and you'll end
up fighting the Tin Armor.

The Tin Armor, which looks like a giant armored gerbil, is very
difficult. It can bury its ears into the ground, which is the
only time it can be damaged. It also is immune to all elemental
attacks, and can use its Swirly Cake Mix attack to remove two
of your characters from battle.

Use Dullard, Johnny and Poppin' Fresh, preferably all at level 99.
Right off the bat, use Hybrid to turn into Cheesasaurus Rex. This
will keep the Tin Armor from using its Swirly Cake Mix, since
there's only one person. You can't do a whole lot and your MP go
down even during the turns you can't hurt it, but Cheesasaurus Rex is
probbaly the best Poppin' Fresh hybrid for the fight, since it can boost
its stats. You can't use Cheese to the Rescue on yourself since you're
a Woodchuck though, and once you die or run out of MP you'll turn back,
and immediately before you can do anything the Tin Armor will use Swirly
Cake Mix, and hopefully remove Poppin Fresh'. Now, if you prepared
right, you should have a huge number of Breath Mints, Pitchers of
Kool-Aid, Wonderbread and Oatmeal. You don't actually need Poppin'
Fresh's Ultimate Weapon (the Kick Axe) for this since he won't be
attacking at all, but you should get the best armor you can find, as the
Tin Armor deals out a LOT of physical attacks. If you have 99 Insurance
Policies, you can just equip a new each turn to evade its attacks.
At any rate, when the ears are in the ground the Armor uses this "Polka
Polka" attack that reduces your MP to zero, in addition to its regular
attack. Since this is the time you need to be casting spells, it's
sort of annoying. You'll only be able to get one KoL in each time it
buries its ears, after which you just heal a lot (you have to use a
Pitcher every other turn or so in this fight.) Once it pulls its ears
back out and goes back to just normal attacking for a bit, use whatever
combination of Oatmeal and Breath Mints you need to get 180 MP, then
just heal until you get another chance to hit it. This goes on for ten
or twelve hours, so you may actually need to bring along some lesser
healing items too for when your resources get low. Defending when you
have nothing better to do helps spread out your Pitchers a bit more. At
any rate, you probably won't want to do this fight all at once, so what I
did was do a couple hours a day each day, then pause, leave the system on,
and resume the next day for about a week.

After beating the armor, you get a huge amount of experience,
which doesn't help because you're probably at level 99 and a
t-shirt that says "I defeated the extra-powerful optional boss
and all I got was this lousy t-shirt". It's the best armor in
the game, with a whopping 255 defense power. Of course, if you
can beat the Tin Armor, what would you need it for?

%%%ALL 0 FEVER%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

This isn't really a subquest, but a special trick. If you get
all 0s for your current HP, your character will die.



Used By: Dullard, Wedge, Vicks, Poppin Fresh, Kain (occasionally)

Crappy Sword 0 1000 Don't use this sword
Paper-Mache Sword 3 200 Starting weapon
Wooden Sword 7 500
Tin Sword 12 1200
Copper Sword 15 1600
Moth Edge 18 1800 Speed + 1
Inorganics 22 3600 Lowers defense
Yoshiyucky 25 7000 Causes poison
Ginzu Knife 32 6200
Cartilege Sword 36 7500
Fiber Sword 41 8400
Carl Sword 43 9400 Extra damage to enemies named Carl
TripleDragon 45 25000 Attacks three times
Really Big Sword 48 12000
Scramasaxophone 50 14000
Dreihander 52 9000 Requires three hands to use
Zirconium Sword 54 15800
Gold Sword 55 2000 Breaks after 1 use
Masamurasamemune 56 18000 Can also be used by Kain
Laxative Sword 59 22000 Causes diarrhea
BronzeMoon 60 2
Iomega Sword 66 26000
Styrofoam Sword 72 30000
PaddleballScimitr 74 -- 2 hits, can be used by Kain
Spork 78 28000
Heaven's Crowd 82 34000 Effective against mobs, no PF
Cardboard Sword 84 36000
Gd Old Mthr &#%*@ 87 39000 Causes paralysis
Serutan Sword 90 42000
Kool-Aid Sword 92 2 Jello damage, can't be used by PF
Apocalypso 94 43000 Triples hair growth rate
Redneck Sword 94 42000
Flam-berge 95 45000
Immateria 98 48000 Allows use of Cloud's Limit Breaks
(this does nothing, ignore it)
Chrzvbwjkrgnden 104 52000 Can also be used by Kain
Penultima Weapon 118 2
Ye Olde L. Sworde 130 -- Can't be used by Poppin Fresh

Used By: Lucille

Wooden Staff 2 300 Starting weapon
Tin Staff 5 500
Copper Staff 7 900
Pastel Staff 8 2
Cartilege Staff 14 3000
PartialMetalStaff 18 5000
Fiber Staff 21 5200
Eighth Staff 24 7800
Fairy Finger 27 2
Lead Staff 30 9000 Halves speed
Lightning Rod 30 9500 Lightning damage
Secular Staff 33 10000 Magic power down
Laxative Staff 36 15000 Causes diarrhea
Cattle Prod 38 16000 Fire damage
Bark Staff 40 17000
Styrofoam Staff 43 18000
Sledgehammer 45 20000 Speed - 2
Tree Branch 45 21000
Cardboard Staff 48 24000
Loaf of StaleBread50 2
Shovel 51 18000
Serutan Staff 53 30000
Stale French Bread55 2
Exclamation Mark 56 33000
Dryad Staff 58 35000
Redneck Staff 59 38000
Wetad Staff 65 43000 Water damage
Ourororororoborous68 48000 Intelligence + 10%
St of Lbrty's Trch75 2 Fire damage, speed - 2

Used By: Johnny Jump-Up

Jack Squat 1 2 Randomly kills user (don't use)
Nerf Gun 12 600 Starting weapon
Ion Peashooter 15 1200
Copper Peashooter 16 1400
Cap Gun 20 2800
Plunger Gun 26 5500 Causes "Slow" status
Beehive Gun 34 8000 Causes paralysis
Pellet Gun 38 9500
Chaingun 40 14000 Attacks twice
Fiber Peashooter 42 10500
Super Soaker 48 13000 Water damage
Nerf Bazooka 50 25000
Glue Gun 54 26000 Causes paralysis
Sawed-off Shotgun 56 18000 Low hit rate
LaxativePeashootr 59 25000 Causes diarrhea
HyperionPeashootr 60 35000
Nut Cannon 63 28000
Ion Cannon 68 31000
Toaster Uzi 70 35000 Randomly casts BadToastSpray
Doberman Launcher 74 32000
Flamethrower 75 45000 Fire damage
COLD Bazooka 78 38000 Ice damage
Slowsilver 80 39000 Causes "Slow"
Big Ol' Gun 82 41000 Low hit rate
Cardboard Rifle 85 43000
SerutanPeashooter 92 46000
Shotgun 94 48000
Winchester Lite 96 50000 Causes addiction
Gorilla Gun 97 51000 Raises evade rate
Supershot QVC 98 52000
RediscoveredScore 99 54000 High hit rate
Chngun of Damocles105 70000 Attacks twice, need 3 hands
Firehose 110 60000 Water damage
Wpn of Ms Dstrctn 120 2

Used By: Cid Breakwind

Pointy Stick 15 900 Starting weapon
Fish Spear 22 3000 Increased damage against fish
Pokey Bit 35 7800
Cartilege Spear 40 11000
Trident 44 12000 Water damage
Bipartisan 47 20000 Attacks twice
Lead Spear 48 9000 Halves speed
Oversized Match 50 25000 Fire damage
Zirconium Spear 52 26000
Laxative Spear 58 28500 Causes diarrhea
Styrofoam Spear 66 31000
Spear Mint 72 36000
Cardboard Spear 78 39000
Icepick 84 41000 Extra damage against ice enemies
Serutan Spear 88 45000
Redneck Spear 92 46000
Raccoon Lance 93 47500
Spearmole 96 6000
Platen Rowel 99 50000
Mars Gospel 112 70000

Used By: Chartreuse XXVI

Mithril Claw 18 3000 Starting weapon
Cartilege Claw 24 5500
Fiber Claw 26 7200
Goblin Claw 27 7500 Poisons enemies
Doberman Tragic 33 14500
Razor Claw 33 12000
Shredding Claws 36 13000
Fire Claws 37 15000 Fire damage
Zirconium Claw 41 18000
Bird Talons 44 19500
Laxative Claw 46 20000 Causes diarrhea
Gunclaw 48 21000 Low hit rate
Styrofoam Claw 50 23500
Komodo Claw 53 24000
Cardboard Claw 56 24500
Summer Gun Clip 58 25000
Demon Claws 61 27000 Requires three hands to use
Serutan Claws 64 30000
Redneck Claws 67 32000
Economy Heart 69 40000 Gain money equal to damage
Kaiser Claws 72 36000
Unlimited Moon 80 45000

Used By: Zitti

Bow Diddley 12 200 Starting weapon
Long Bow 28 4500
Magma Bow 31 7000 Fire damage
Ivory Bow 34 9000
Hunting Bow 35 12000 Hit rate up
Zirconium Bow 38 11000
Crossbow 45 19000 Lowers agility
GenericBow 48 23000 Generic damage
Laxative Bow 49 20000 Causes diarrhea
Demon Bow 51 20000 Requires three hands to use
Elven Bow 51 25000 Hit rate up
Styrofoam Bow 55 27000
Off-White Bow 59 29500 Jello elemental
Cardboard Bow 64 33000
Serutan Bow 68 37000
Spirit Bow 71 40000 Magic power up
Redneck Bow 75 42000
Persecutor Bow 78 44000 Critical hit rate up
Gastrointestinal 84 48000
Bow Knows 92 55000 Intelligence up

Used By: Zitti

Dream Harp 35 15000 Causes sleep
Silence Harp 40 18000 Causes silence
Peace Harp 45 22000 Lowers enemy defense (a lot!)
Trance Harp 50 25000 Causes confusion
Siren Harp 55 30000 Causes charm

Used By: Poppin Fresh
All axes halve PF's speed when equipped.

Nincompoop Axe 45 8000 Starting weapon
Styrofoam Axe 80 36000
Battle Axe 90 38000
Poison Axe 102 40000 Causes poison
Cardboard Axe 110 42000
Serutan Axe 122 46000
Redneck Axe 128 60000
Rainbow Axe 130 50000 All-elemental damage
Save the Janitor 135 70000 Defense up
Just Axe 140 72000 Jello damage
Kickaxe 160 120000

Used By: Pokérman

Platinum Yo-Yo 15 8000
Combat Yo-Yo 25 10000
Starlight Yo-Yo 32 18000 Recover HP each turn
Styrofoam Yo-Yo 36 14500
Blackjack 40 40000
Battle Yo-Yo 44 25000
Frost Yo-Yo 49 26000 Ice damage
Serutan Yo-Yo 51 30000
Redneck Yo-Yo 53 32000
Flash Yo-Yo 58 35000
Bronx Cheer 59 38000
Kamikaze Yo-Yo 60+ 40000 Uses Pokérman's HP for extra damage
Wiitigo Yo-Yo 61 38000 Wind damage
Marvelous Yo-Yo 65 50000
HP Mumble 80 70000

Used By: Pokérman
All boomerangs attack all enemies simultaneously.

Boomerang 8 7000
Flash Boomerang 18 9000
Oak Boomerang 33 10000
Cardboard Bmrang 40 28000
Dynamite Bmrang 45 30000
Hawk Nose 50 42000
Nonconformer 60 50000 Requires three hands to use
Setting Sun 65 80000 Fire damage
Bananarang 70 -- Becoms Bummerang when used
Bummerang 99 -- Damages Pokérman, not enemies

Used By: Kain
All flyswatters do extra damage against insects.

Flyswatter 23 1800 Starting weapon
Mithril Swatter 45 4500
Bladed Swatter 52 9500
Assassin Swatter 58 30000 Chance of instant kill
Sticky Swatter 65 11000
Serutan Swatter 74 29000
Redneck Swatter 81 30500
Hyper Swatter 88 35000
Doom Swatter 95 46000
Reaper Swatter 106 54000 Chance of instant kill

----Wax Lips----------------------------------------------------
Used By: Jolly Yet Annoying Sidekick

Smiling Lips 10 3000
Magic Lips 20 5000 Doubles Agree power

Used By: Nobody

Dragon Whip 75 30000 Extra damage against dragons


Used By: Dullard, Wedge, Vicks, Johnny, Cid, Poppin Fresh

Crappy Armor 0 1000 Don't use this armor
Leather Armor 6 200
Tin Armor 10 700
Weasel Pants 11 1400
Copper Armor 12 1700
Spiffy Armor 19 4000
Lapis Armor 23 5200 Absorbs water
Cartilege Armr 27 5800
Fiber Armor 30 7200
Spacesuit 32 15000 Immune to water + air
Some Armor 34 9200
Zirconium Armor 38 11000
Lead Armor 40 10000 Halves speed
Laxative Armor 43 12000 Immune to diarrhea
Battle Armor 48 18000 Attack + 10
Styrofoam Armor 52 20000
Happy Armor 54 21000 Protects from jello attacks
Disharmony Armor 56 21500 Protects from jello attacks
Cardboard Armor 59 23000
Serutan Armor 64 27000
Redneck Armor 73 31000
Chainletter Mail 76 32000
Sturdy Armor 80 36000
Charon Armor 84 42000
Durald Armor 86 44000 Can only be used by Durald*
SamuraiUnderpants90 2

* Durald is the mistranslated version of Dullard; you can
become Durald by equipping the Aeris Kidney Stone.

Used By: Everyone except Chartreuse

Wheat Clothes 24 7500
Leather Cloth 26 8000
Ninja Gear 33 12000 Raises speed
Cursed Jean Jckt 40 20000 Cursed
WarLordPajamas 40 12000
Barneyskin Rug 46 23000
Fur Cloak 47 28000 Halves ice damage
Serutan Suit 53 29500
Redneck Clothes 55 31000
Monkey Suit 55 30000 Protects from all status changes
Crumb Catcher 58 34000 Halves earth damage
SuperheroClothng 60 2
Genji Pajamas 62 40000 Speed + 1
T-Shirt 255 2 Absorbs all elements, all stats
+ 50, immune to status changes

Used By: Lucille, Zitti

Light Robe 2 300
Tin Robe 5 500
Copper Robe 7 800
Bathrobe 14 2 Absorbs water
Cartilege Robe 17 5500
Wooden Robe 24 6000
Zirconium Robe 35 8500
Laxative Robe 38 9000 Immune to diarrhea
Styrofoam Robe 40 24000 Halves all elemental damage
Happy Robe 44 10000 Protects from jello attacks
Fireplace Mantle 45 30000 Immune to fire and ice
Serutan Robe 48 32000 Max MP + 25%
Redneck Robe 50 34500 Max MP + 25%
Jello Flying Clth53 36000 Raises jello pwr, absrbs jello+spam
Wind Robe 55 38000 Immune to wind, earth, and water
Megalomania Robe 57 40000 Max MP + 30%, magic power + 10%

Used By: Chartreuse XXVI, Pokérman

Soft Fur 15 1200
Needly Fur 17 6000 Raises attack power
Thick Fur 19 3400
Spiny Fur 23 8000
Coarse Fur 25 9500
Insulated Fur 30 14000 Immune to ice attacks
SoggyFur 32 14500
Laxative Fur 34 16000 Immune to diarrhea
Styrofoam Fur 38 18500
Turtle Shell 42 20000 Immune to water attacks
Wolf Fur 46 22000 Attack + 10
Serutan Fur 50 25000
Redneck Fur 55 29000
Tie-Dye Fur 60 34500 Halves elemental damage


Used By: Dullard, Wedge, Vicks, Johnny, Zitti, Poppin Fresh

Crappy Helmet 0 1000 Don't use this helmet
Leather Helmet 3 300
Tin Helmet 5 450
Copper Helmet 8 600
Spiffy Helmet 14 2100
Lapis Helmet 17 2900 Absorbs water
Cartilege Helm 21 4000
Social Life 22 6200
Fiber Helm 25 8100
Zirconium Helm 28 10000
ConcreteTurban 31 12000
Lead Helmet 32 11000 Halves speed
Laxative Helm 33 12500 Immmune to diarrhea
Styrofoam Helm 38 16000
Cardboard Helm 43 20000
Serutan Helm 46 24000
Redneck Helm 50 31000
Sturdy Helm 56 35000
Charon Helm 60 40000
Magic Sombrero 68 60000

Used By: Everyone

Coonskin Cap 4 420
Propeller Beanie 7 1200 Speed + 1
WW2 Flight Hlmt 12 1500 Cid starts with it
Cosmo Headdress 16 3400 Raises magic power
Turban 19 3800
TitaniumYarmulke 23 6000
Weasel Nightcap 24 5500
Fez 28 8200
Happy Hat 30 9000 Absorbs jello
EX Turban 32 10000
Fur Hood 35 14000
Stethoscope 39 18000 Can see enemy's HP if equipped
Serutan Hat 40 21000
Redneck Hat 42 23500
Bulldog Collar 46 27000 Raises attack power
Live Salamander 52 30000
Adamantium Yarm. 55 32000
Moose Antlers 60 60000 Chartreuse only


Crappy Ring 1200 No effect
Power Ring 500 Attack + 5
Chocolate Mog 2 Restores 1 HP / step
Seeing-Eye Chimp 5000 Prevents ambushes
Breath Mint 1000 Immune to silence
Rusty Needle 1000 Immune to poison
No-Doze 1000 Immune to sleep
Communist Manifesto 1000 Immune to confusion
Port-a-Potty 1000 Immune to diarrhea
Athlete's Foot 1000 Immune to paralysis
Amulet of Jig 3500 Max MP + 25%
Fly Running 2500 Speed + 1
Saturday Nt. Fever 5000 "Stay alive" when killed, breaks
Chia Gum 2500 Attack + 15
Hal's Birthmark 2000 Raises accuracy
Malice Band-aid 3000 Defense + 10
Third Hand 10000 Allows use of 3-handed weapons
Parrot Charm 50000 Halves encounter rate
Contract w/America 2 Use when talking to Rush
Second Head 6000 Intelligence + 10
Spam Watch 20000 Halves Spam damage, prevents Stop+Slow
Eyes -- Absorbs water and ice
Wings -- Absorbs air and lightning
Arms -- Absorbs fire
Nose -- Absorbs jello
Toe -- Absorbs earth
Spinal Cord -- Absorbs spam
Omelette 12000 Immune to status changes
Insurance Policy 8000 Revive with 1 HP when killed, used up
Worthless Watch 40000 Stop+Slow never miss (just sell for $)
Extra Payload 30000 Tim's attack power + 25%
Jellonomicon 2 Allows second call magic attack (for PF)
Wolverine Badge 100000 Halves all elemental damage
Ruby Nosering 25000 Raises magic power
Jade Monkey 25000 Max HP + 25%
Dog's Eye Marble 40000 Attack power + 10%
Mad Skillz -- Use 2 enemy skillz on same turn
Mace of Zeus 2 Randomly paralyze opponents when attacking
Plutonium Rockets 60000 Tim's attack power + 40%
Jet-Powered Sandals 25000 Speed + 2
Jreat Jem Ring 1500 Immune to diarrhea and paralysis
Joy Buzzer 3000 Causes weapon to do electricity damage

---Kidney Stones---
Ford Taurus -- Speed + 2
Candy Corn -- HP max + 250
Aquarium -- Can breathe underwater
Leo DiCaprio -- Bearer becomes inexplicably popular
Gemini Probe -- Tim's attack power + 10%
Liberal -- Help out weaker characters
Aeris -- Character's name becomes mangled by
translators (**)
Rabbittarius -- Evade rate up
Puzzle Pisces -- Intelligence + 40
Threepio -- Immune to status changes
Herpes -- Equip on Kain to enable JuryX

* Dullard becomes Durald, Lucille becomes Lucy, Johnny becomes
Edward, Cid becomes Chaz, Chartreuse XVI becomes Citan,
Tim becomes Rudvich, Zitti becomes Alys, Poppin Fresh becomes
Popov, Kain becomes Wiegraf, and Pokérman's name doesn't change
because it's already mangled.


Potion 100 Restores 50 HP
Crappy Potion 250 Restores 1 HP
Mutilated Monkey Meat 300 Restores 150 HP
Fairy Rutabaga 800 Restores 500 HP
Gummi Worm 1200 Restores 2000 HP
Pitcher of Kool-Aid 3000 Restores HP completely
Granola Bar 1000 Restores 20 MP
Oatmeal 3000 Restores 80 MP
Life Potion 1200 Revives dead character
Jello Packet 8000 Restores party HP completely
French Bread 2000 Doubles HP / single (can't exceed max)
Breath Mints 5000 Doubles MP / single (can't exceed max)
Antidote 60 Cures poison
Curds and Whey 120 Cures paralysis
Icky Screen 180 Cures silence
Sanity Noodles 200 Cures confusion
Pepto Bismol 220 Cures diarrhea
Wonderbread 600 Cures any status change
Power-Ade 450 Raises attack power / single
Spare Parts 450 Restores 200 HP to a Gear
Repair Kit 900 Restores 600 HP to a Gear
Repair Pack 1200 Restores 1500 HP to a Gear
Armor Refit 4000 Restores HP completely for a Gear
Jumper Cables 2000 Revives dead Gear
Bysahr Greens 100 Hippopotamus feed
Silky Greens 300 Hippopotamus feed
Bluan Greens 500 Hippopotamus feed
Raducchio Greens 700 Hippopotamus feed
Quayle Greens 900 Hippopotamus feed
Left Leg of Bomb 300 Fire attack / single
Shower Curtain 800 Casts Reflect / single
Sticker Set 150 Causes paralysis / single
Hanson CD 12000 Causes enemies to run / all
Flame Chrysanthemum 600 Fire attack / single
Frost Chrysanthemum 600 Ice attack / single
Pandora's Box 8000 Casts a random spell
ECM Device 1200 Blocks missiles in Gear battles
Brown Mole 100 Restores 25 HP
Black Mole 200 Restores 50 HP
Puffermole 400 Cures poison / single
White Mole 200 Restores 5 MP
Rainbow Mole 450 Restores 100 HP
Red Mole 500 Fire attack / single
Mole Bream 500 Restores 300 HP
Blue Mole 475 Restores 200 HP
Garden Mole 20 Restores 1 HP
Jellymole 1 Restores 1 HP
Martian Mole 450 Spam attack / all
Flying Mole 400 Escape from battle
Angel Mole 3000 Restores HP completely
Clown Mole 400 Confuses enemy / single
Phantom Mole 5000 Evade fights briefly when used on map
Mole-o'-War 600 Physical attack / single
Tapeworm 10 Restores 1 HP
Holy Moley 1200 Jello attack / all
Devilmole 2000 Restores HP completely
Naked Mole Rat 1800 Restores 40 MP
Moleckerel 2000 Part of Sobriety Potion
Radio -- Return to Virtola Fighter when in Sherbet
Water Jug -- Use in desert when thirsty
Wooden Mallet -- Mole-whacking mallet
Bamboo Mallet -- Mole-whacking mallet
Deluxe Mallet -- Mole-whacking mallet
Oak Mallet -- Mole-whacking mallet
Electron Mallet -- Mole-whacking mallet
Mithril Mallet -- Mole-whacking mallet
Spammer -- Mole-whacking mallet
Mole-Bashing Mallet -- Mole-whacking mallet
Golden Mallet -- Use to whack Molenillo
Phantom Mallet -- Use to whack Phantom Mole
Omnislushee -- Dullard's Gear Parts
Above-Average Gospel -- Lucille's Gear Parts
Peanut Armageddon -- Johnny's Gear Parts
Break Wind -- Cid's Gear Parts
Wheateo -- Chartreuse's Gear Parts
Next-to-Last Heaven -- Zitti's Gear Parts
DNRC -- Poppin Fresh's Gear Parts

%%%KEY ITEMS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Alhazad Beanie Baby Trade at marketplace
Attachable Pants Give to Orphan #3
BaseballCard Collect four to enter SacredWoods
Baseball Diamond Key Key for Maze of Lost Keys
Bent Sword Disarms barrier around Sherbet
Bones Use on pressure plate for a Kidney Key
Bread Eat when Dullard is hungry
Broken Sword Carry it around the whole game; no use
Buffalo Dung Plug hole in water buffalo warren
Cait Sith Beanie Trade at martetplace
Caraway Seeds Use in prison, part of Sobriety Potion
Chicken Costume Allows entrance to thieves' HQ
Club Soda Key Key for Maze of Lost Keys
Contaminated Water Need to get Growth Potion
Crappy Spaceshp Prts Use to repair the UFO
Death Muffin Trade to parrot leader to avoid fight
Demonic Beanie Baby Animate to get Shipyard Key
Desert Map Needed to enter desert
Diary Gives hint for Ghost Ship
Docking Bay Key Opens flying saucer docking bay
Donkey-Shaped Drknb Use to open west door in Invertebrate Amphibian Tower
Earplugs Can survive in Town of Bad Music
Eye of Newt Part of Sobriety Potion
Fruit Stripe Gum Use to make zebra go away in Forest of Moo
Golden Bottle Cap Trade for bum's clothes
Golden Parcheesi Set Need to get good ending
Heart of Dkness Key Key for Maze of Lost Keys
Hippopotamus Lure Allows you to fight hippos
Homemade Cookies Trade to Mr. T for Donkey-Shaped Doorkonb
Horse Part of Sobriety Potion
Imperial Badge Need to get Hippo Lure
Jello Pendant Opens tower doors
Kidney Key Collect 8 to get to inner chamber
Keycard Sigma Opens doors in Sherbet
Keycard Theta Allows entrance to prison
Keydog Opens passage in Escher Temple
Keytoad Opens passage in Escher Temple
Ladder Used to help J.M. in Timbuktu
Lighthouse Key Opens lighthouse door
Nuts Trade for Nut Cannon + Bobbitt Attack
Magic Geranium Trade for bum's clothes
Magic Pendant Opens Tower doors
Magic Wand Turn into microwave oven
Magnfying Glass Trade to Sherlock for homemade cookies
Mango Causes Mr. T's shadow to appear
Mario Banjo Summons Ragu
Mirror of Truth (TM) Reveals true form of false king
Mithril Used to repair Legendarrye Sworde
Monkey Bladder Chef Boyardee wants it
Muffin Cookies Give to alchemist to get Shrinking Potion
Mythril Not used to repair Legendarrye Sworde
Nazi Gold Give 4 to Gnomes of Zurich
NRA Membership Card Allows you to get Big Ol' Gun in Timbuktu
PaRappa Beanie Baby Trade at marketplace
Piano Music Opens secret passage in microbrewery
Piece of Carl Need 20 to get by chest in Escher Temple
P.J. Beanie Baby Trade at marketplace
PMS Phone Activates "PMS" option to change party
Pocket Thesaurus Trade for Break Wind gear parts
Pot Smoke to get a Kidney Key
Pot of Teddy Grahams Trade for bum's clothes
Pukey Beanie Baby Trade at marketplace
Rock Trade for prizes from Bumper Cars
Sam Spade Key Key for Maze of Lost Keys
Saucer Keys Opens doors on flying saucer
Smelly Gloves Give to Neon Man to get Magic Cape
Smelly Socks Give to Neon Man to get Flying Cape
Sobriety Potion Cures Platypus Village
Sonic Beanie Baby Give to bald guy
Shipyard Key Allows entrance to shipyard
Smidlock Parts Put in model of Smidlock
Stew Chef Boyardee wants it
Tiny Bronco Give to Cid so he'll repair plane
Transmogrifier Gun Turns tank into iguana
Turtle-Shaped Drknb Use to open east door in Invertebrate Amphibian Tower
Viagra Kidney Stone Repairs Ye Olde Legendarrye Sworde


Where found: Secret Underground Passage of Science
Use: Blow open weak walls

Where found: IPO
Use: Jump short distances

Where found: ChateauGeneric
Use: Grapple across gaps

Where found: Alchemy Shop in Iyar
Use: Temporarily shrink down

Where found: Forest of Moo
Use: Fly at windy spots

Where found: Platypus Village
Use: Smash through rocks, shake pillars

Where found: Alchemy Shop in Iyar
Use: Temporarily get bigger

Where found: Left tower of Fort Nicotina
Use: Melt ice, set things on fire

Where found: Right tower of Fort Nicotina
Use: Freeze water, put fires out

Where found: Mithril Mines
Use: Smash weak walls, hit objects from a distance

Where found: Supreme Temple of Jello
Use: Use Dash Attack

Where found: Forest of Moo
Use: Use super jump when running



--Dullard Ego--
Migraine Headache 3 8 Physical attack / single
401(k) Spell 14 18 Physical attack / single
Descension N/A 0 Turn into woodchuck!
PoorLifestyleChoic 20 24 Instant death / single
PH Balancer 23 15 Heals one party member
I Kan't Spel 27 7 Causes silence / all
403(b) Spell 35 10 Physical attack / single
Throat Infection 44 16 Physical attack / single / poison
Groin Shredder N/A 25 Physical attack / single / ins. death
Varicose Veins 51 20 Non-elemental attack / single / paralysis
Thrush Swing 68 20 Effective against flying enemies
Jello Cut 76 24 Jello attack / single
Prozac Attac 80 30 Enemies become peaceful + run away
Wheat First N/A 40 Physical attack / single / ins. death
Butcher Singer
Panuche Drumlin 88 30 Non-elemental attack / single
Cinco Flores 92 35 Fire attack / single
Life Stinker 98 40 Physical attack / single / poison

--Lucille Westborough--
Heal Strt 5 Heals one party member
Fire Strt 4 Fire attack / single
Hotseat 4 8 Fire attack / single
Ice 7 7 Ice attack / single
Thunder N/A 11 Lightning attack / single
Freeze N/A 12 Ice attack / single
Firestorm N/A 14 Fire attack / all
Lightning 20 16 Lightning attack / all
Wrath of Your Mom 25 22 Earth attack / all
Loss of Limb 26 8 Lowers attack power / single
Flying Cow 29 12 Air attack / single
Big Heal 31 10 Heals one party member
Blizzard 33 24 Ice attack / all
Singing Telegram 36 14 Non-elemental attack / single
No Poison!!! 40 5 Cures poison / all
Disco Inferno 44 28 Fire attack / all
Caffeinate 46 10 Raises agility / single
Loss of Torso 48 10 Lowers defense / single
Heal Us, Al! 50 16 Heals party
Flying Toaster 53 22 Air attack / single
Spamblast 56 33 Spam attack / single
Decaffeinate 60 12 Lowers agility / single
ThisMoment 62 40 Lets Lucille take two turns in a row
Haillation 65 35 Ice attack / all / random ins. death
Reflect 68 20 Reflects spells onto caster / single
Really Big Heal 70 25 Heals one party member
Socorro 73 30 Fire + wind attack / all / drains HP
Big Gulp 77 12 Drains HP / single
Zeus Get Ticked 82 40 Lightning attack / all
Oh Oh 86 25 Lowers HP by 1/4 / single
El Nino 90 55 Random element attack / all
Uh Oh 94 40 Lowers HP by 1/2 / single
MegaSpamblast 99 60 Spam attack / all

--Johnny Jump-Up--
See Enemy Skillz.

--Cid Breakwind--
Flatulence Strt 12 Blows 1 enemy out of battle (no reward)
Toxic Cloud 18 10 Causes poison / all
Laughing Gas 24 14 Causes confusion / all
Acidic Flatulence 31 16 Spam attack / all
Antarctic Winds 38 18 Ice attack / all
Mega Flatulence 50 40 Blows all enemies out of battle
Chili Flatulence 65 25 Fire attack / all
Bean Flatulence 70 25 Earth attack / all
Silent But Deadly 85 50 Instant death attack / all
Cosmic Flatulence 94 60 All-elemental attack / all

--Chatreuse XXVI--
Heal Strt 5 Heals one party member
Big Heal Strt 10 Heals one party member
Cheese Skin Strt 8 Raises defense / single
Heal Us, Al! 19 16 Heals party
Power Pill 22 8 Raises attack power / single
Caffeinate 26 10 Raises agility / single
No Poison!!!! 29 5 Cures poison / all
Cheese Aura 35 18 Raises defense / all
Really Big Heal 40 25 Heals one party member
WAKE UP! 42 5 Cures sleep / all
Acupuncture 48 25 Cures all status ailments / single
Rava Brraire 52 16 Raises magic defense / single
(should be Rava Barrier)
Heal Us, James! 56 35 Heals party
Kool-Aid Pulse N/A 40 Revives dead character with minimal HP
Steroids 59 22 Raises attack power / all
Eyrie 63 20 Summons eagles to destroy undead / all
Rava Lawl 70 28 Raises magic defense / all
(should be Rava Wall)
Stiper 75 12 Causes paralysis / all
Holy Cow 79 25 Jello attack / single
Really, REALLY BgHl85 40 Heals one party member completely
Kool-Aid Flow N/A 75 Revives dead character with full HP
Divert Headache 88 20 Gives party's bad status to enemies
Jasponyx Ray 93 33 Jello attack / single
Heal Us, Mark! 99 99 Heals party completely

--Tim the Talking Warhead--
No magic.

--Zitti Formaldehyde--
Loss of Limb Strt 8 Lowers attack power / single
Eye Gouge Strt 5 Causes blindness / single
Power Pill Strt 8 Raises attack power / single
Cheese Skin 28 8 Raises defense / single
Decapitate 30 12 Instant death attack / single
Poison Shot 32 5 Causes poison / single
Loss of Torso 38 10 Lowers defense / single
Decaffeinate 43 12 Lowers speed / single
Manson Attack 47 25 Lowers attack power / all
Caffeinate 50 10 Raises agility / single
Sleeping Sickness 52 5 Causes sleep / single
Cheese Aura 55 18 Raises defense / all
Bobbitt Attack N/A 5 Causes paralysis / single
Tyson Attack 58 30 Lowers defense / all
Steroids 61 22 Raises attack power / all
Rava Brraire 65 16 Raises magic defense / single
Reflect 70 20 Reflects spell onto caster / single
Petrify 74 18 Causes stone / single
Big Gulp 78 12 Drains HP / single
Disembowel 82 16 Lowers target to 1 HP
Rava Lawl 84 28 Raises magic defense / all
Muddle 86 5 Causes confusion / single
Spread Shot 89 22 Attack all enemies
Dismember 94 32 Lowers all stats / single
Proud to be Weird 99 35 Temporary invulenerabilty / single

--Poppin Fresh--
See Call Spells.

Sword Strt 10 Physical attack / single
Cup Strt 15 Heals one party member
Cow 28 12 Same as Flying Cow (air attack / single)
Hieroelephant 33 16 Earthquake attack / all
Chariots of Fire 37 12 Fire attack / all
Taxes 40 0 Steals enemy money / all
Temper 42 18 Makes one target berserk
Emperor's Clothes 44 8 Supposed to raise defense but doesn't
Hermit Crab 46 10 Raises defense / all
Wheel of Fortune 51 18 Kills one random target (you or enemy)
Tower Records 55 8 Distracts enemies with music
Star Wars 60 25 Summons Biggs and Wedge*
Moon 64 12 Moons enemy (causes confusion) / single
Empress Hotel 67 0 Go to sleep to regain HP and MP / self
Hostess 71 15 Distracts enemies with Twinkies
World Cup 76 30 Summons rioting soccer fans to attack
David Justice 80 25 Turns party into baseball players**
Hangman 83 18 Play Hangman to determine who wins battle
Losers 85 30 Curses all enemies (hit rate down)
Phoenix Sun 88 45 Fire attack / all
Urinating Dog 99 40 Instant death attack / all / never fails

* Biggs and Wedge will absorb the next two single attacks, or next
one "hit-everybody" attack. (i.e., the attack(s) will kill Biggs
and Wedge instead of hurting your characters).

** This enables to "catch" opponent's weapons, thus dodging their

Steal Strt 0 Steal item from enemy
Throw 45 0 Throw unused weapons at enemy
Descension N/A 25 Turn into Chucktaur
Katon 60 25 Fire attack / all
Raijin 65 25 Lightning attack / all
Suiton 75 25 Water attack / all
Iainuki 90 30 Instant death attack / single
JuryX N/A 60 Jello attack / all

--Jolly Yet Annoying Sidekick--
Annoyance Strt 10 Lowers defense / single
Agree Strt 25 Mimics last action in battle
Duh 5 0 Confuses all enemies by yelling "DUHHH"
Agree2 10 40 Mimics last action in battle (stronger)

%%%GEAR ABILITIES%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

F = fuel consumed L = Gear level required to learn

--Kool-Aid Impact (Dullard)--
Kool-Aid Splash Start 5 1 Jello attack / single
Kool-Aid Rejuv 250 15 1 Restores 300 HP to Impact
Kool-Aid Charge 300 0 1 Restores 20 Fuel when used
Kool-Aid Wave 600 45 2 Jello attack / all
Kool-Aid Healng 800 30 2 Restores HP / single
Kool-Aid Lance 900 25 3 Jello attack / single
Kool-Aid Strike 1200 35 3 Instant death attack / single
Kool-Aid Bomb 1400 35 4 Jello attack / single
Kool-Aid Energy 1600 40 4 Restores HP / all
Kool-Aid Flash 800 0 5 Causes blindness / all
Skittle Rainbow 2500 35 5 All-elemental attack / all
Kool-Aid Smash 2800 45 6 Jello attack / single
Kool-Aid Flood 3000 60 6 Jello attack / all
Kool-Aid Burst 4000 70 7 Jello attack / all
Kool-Aid Pulse 3500 40 7 Revives dead Gear with minimal HP
Kool-Aid Aura 5000 60 8 Restores HP / all
Kool-Aid Break 4500 35 8 Instant death attack / single / Jello
Kool-Aid Flow 6000 75 9 Revives dead Gear with full HP
Kool-Aid Beam 5000 50 9 Jello attack / single
Omnislushee N/A 80 X All-elemental attack / all

--LEG (Lucille)--
Foot Cannon 100 15 1 Physical attack / single
Schism Ray 200 25 1 Non-elemental attack / all / confusion
Muppet Launcher 400 35 1 Summons a Muppet (effects vary)
Single Orb 800 45 1 Repeated attacks / single
Bazooka Gum 1600 55 1 Encases enemy in bubble / single
Tazer 3200 65 1 Lightning attack / single / paralysis
Brady Bunch 6400 75 1 Repeated attacks / all
Parabola Smash 9999 80 1 Jello attack / single
Above-Avrg Gospel N/A 80 X Heals party completely + cures status

--Alexandria (Johnny)--
Trumpet 100 25 1 Raises Alexandria's attack power
Trunk Smash 100 10 2 Physical attack / single
Peanut Cannon 400 20 2 Physical attack / single
War Yodel 1000 60 2 Raises party attack power
Trample 800 80 3 Instant death attack / all
Trunk Lash 600 25 3 Repeated attacks / single
Stampede 1400 50 4 Physical attack / all
Defense Drive 1500 30 5 Raises Alexandria's defense power
Hyper Drive 1500 30 5 Raises Alexandria's agility
Satellite Scream 1200 20 6 Causes confusion / all
StrangeFire 2000 30 6 Physical attack / all
W-Cannon 2400 45 7 Physical attack / all
Shield Drive 3000 60 8 Raises party's defense power
Sonic Drive 3000 60 8 Raises party's agility
Stasis Drive 5000 0 8 Causes game to freeze (DON'T USE!)
F-MAX 5500 45 9 Allows temporary use of SeismicRave
and BabyShower
SeismicRave N/A 30 9 Earth attack / all
BabyShower N/A 25 9 Water attack / single
Peanut Armageddon N/A 80 X Non-elemental attack / all

--El Pato (Cid)--
Gear Flatulence Start 20 2 Blows 1 enemy out of battle
Rabies Injector 450 15 2 Berserks one enemy
Flame Flatulence 600 25 3 Fire attack / single
Frigid Flatulence 600 25 3 Ice attack / single
Electric Flatul. 600 25 3 Lightning attack / single
Diarrhea Injector 1000 25 4 Causes diarrhea / single
System C-Id 2000 0 5 Infinite fuel*
Hover Engine 1800 40 6 Makes El Pato immune to earth atks.
Missile Cannon 1500 30 6 Physical attack / single
Water Cannon 2200 35 7 Water attack / single
Virus Injector 1800 25 7 Causes poison + paralysis / single
Water Skimmer 3000 45 8 Water attack / all
Missile Barrage 4000 40 8 Physical attack / all
Nicotine Injector 2200 30 9 Causes addiction / single
Tornado 4500 50 9 Air attack / all
Break Wind N/A 35 X Blows enemies out of battle / all

* After five rounds, System C-Id deactivates and El Pato
loses all its Fuel.

--Neunzehn (Chartreuse XXVI)--
Mega Spammer Start 20 2 Spam attack / single
Toe Hunter Start 16 2 Physical attack / single
Adam's Banana 350 35 2 Restores HP / single
Alco Holic 150 15 2 Causes confusion / single
Furnishing Touch 600 40 3 Tornado of furniture / all
Dukehazzard 900 25 4 Physical attack / single
Haze-to-Wheat 800 45 4 Earth attack / all
Twelve Dollers 1200 50 5 Non-elemental attack / single
Mario Impale 1400 45 6 Jello attack / single
Pop-Corn 2200 60 7 Earth attack / all
Tomato Blossom 3800 65 8 Fire/water/lightning attack / single
Full Charge 3500 25 9 Restores Neunzehn's fuel completely
Wheateo N/A 80 X Earth attack / all

--Hornet (Zitti)--
Drive By Start 10 3 Physical attack / all
Wheelie 50 5 3 Become invulnerable for one round
Greased Monkey 800 20 4 4 random physical attacks
Underdrive 2000 10* 5 Caster loses next 10 turns
ECM 1000 8 5 Blocks missile attacks
Rail Cannon 1200 20 6 Physical attack / random target
Repair System 1800 60 6 Revives Hornet with 1 HP when killed
Spark Blast 2000 45 7 Lightning attack / all / paralysis
Refractor 1000 15 7 Blocks laser + energy attacks
Energy Wall 1500 40 8 Blocks melee attacks
Lock-On 1200 10 8 Targets enemy for Rail Cannon
Rainbow Wall 3000 60 9 Blocks elemental attacks
Flame Thrower 2200 30 9 Fire attack / all
Plasma Beam 2500 35 9 Non-elemental attack / single
Next-to-Last Heaven N/A 50 X Does more damage with less HP / all

* After using Underdrive, the Hornet regains all Fuel and HP.

--Jolly Green Giant (Poppin Fresh)--
Giant Smash 300 5 5 Physical attack / single
Tremor 500 15 5 Earth attack / all
Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum 450 10 6 Raises JGG's attack power
Intimidate 700 0 6 Enemies randomly lose turn / all
Suplexiglass 500 15 6 Physical attack / single
Siding 1000 20 7 Forces enemies to buy new siding (get $)
Green Thumb 1600 18 7 Regenerate HP slowly / single
Vine Grasp 800 10 7 Causes paralysis / single
GiantSling 1200 18 8 Physical attack / single
Stupor Combo 2400 40 8 Match buttons for repeated hits, JGG
becomes confused afterwards
BabelRebuild 3000 All 9 Earth attack / single
Gaea's Wrath 2500 60 9 Earth attack / all
DNRC N/A* 55 X Summons Dogbert to attack all enemies

Note: Unlike with other Ultimate Gear Abilities, you only need
Suplexiglass, Siding, GiantSling, and BabelRebuild to get

--Pokérman R (Pokérman)--
Slot Start 0 1 Random effects (see Slot list)

--The Fork of Doom (Kain)--
Steal Start 15 1 Steal item from enemy

--Jolly Yet Annoying Gear (Sidekick)--
No abilities.

----Gear Levels----
Level 1: When you first get your Gears in Noodleheim
Level 2: First meeting with Cid
Level 3: LANDSLIDE camp
Level 4: Formaldehyde, after defeating false king
Level 5: Formaldehyde, before leaving on ship
Level 6: New Formaldehyde
Level 7: Talk to Volts in Frost Cabin
Level 8: Emmomucca's Lab, after Virtola Fighter is shot down
Level 9: San Jose, after shutting down Jello Reactor
Level X: With Gear Parts

%%%WOODCHUCK POWERS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

When Dullard turns into a Woodchuck, the class of Woodchuck he
becomes is determined by what the highest-ranking class for the
Genes he's using on the chart below (i.e., using the Flame
and Bone genes would make him an Osteochuck as the Osteochuck
[Bone] is further down the class chart than the Pyrochuck
[Flame]). His abilities are based on ALL the genes
he's using, not just the highest.

--Woodchuck Classes--
Generic Woodchuck Generic No special effect
Pyrochuck Flame Absorbs fire, normal attacks do
fire damage
Sasquachuck Snow Absorbs water + ice, normal attacks
do ice damage
Geochuck Stone Absorbs earth, normal attacks do
earth damage
Osteochuck Bone Become undead
Pegachuck Wing Immune to earth attacks (flying)
Arborachuck Tree Absorbs earth, extremely high agility
Merchuck Fish No damage vs. water, weak against fire,
0 agility unless in water
Gorgon Woodchuck Minotaur Immune to stone, attack up
Chucktaur Centaur All stats up
Robochuck Metal Immune to status changes
Hybrid Fusion Combines party into one Woodchuck
(see Hybrids, below)
Kaiserchuck Finite Looks just like Dullard but has
different-colored shoes, all stats down

--Special Classes--
Dairy Queen Wchuck Flame+Snow Absorbs fire, water, and ice
Trichuck Flame+Snw+Stn Absorbs fire, ice, and earth
Doormat Bone+Gross Flying (dodge earth attacks)
Nullspace Bone+Jello All attacks are non-elemental

--Woodchuck Powers--
Headbutt Generic 0 Physical attack / single
Squeak Generic 2 Causes confusion / single
Firebreathing Flame 0 Fire attack / single
Fire Blast Flame 5 Fire attack / all
Big Hug Snow 15 Halves one target's HP and MP
Blizzard Snow 20 Ice attack / all
Earthquake Stone 18 Earth attack / all
Nifty Smash Stone 12 Physical attack / single
Headbutt Stone 0 Physical attack / single / lowers defense
Stink Eye Bone 12 Instant death attack / single
Dark Blast Bone 5 Spam attack / all
Dem Bones Bone 0 Starts singing, confuses all enemies
Divebomb Wing 0 Leave screen for 1 round, attack
Tornado Move Wing 15 Wind attack / single / causes paralysis
Heal Eldredge 5 Heals one party member
Big Heal Eldredge 10 Heals one party member
Heal Us, Al! Eldredge 16 Heals party
Jump Tree 0 Leave screen briefly, attack
Leaf Storm Tree 12 Wind attack / all
Water Blast Water 8 Water attack / single
Femaelstrom Water 30 Water attack / all
Rava Brraire Water 16 Raises magic defense / single
Stn Gaz o'Dom Minotaur 20 Causes stone / single
Cheese Skin Minotaur 8 Raises defense / single
Nifty Smash Minotaur 12 Physical attack / single
Spread Shot Centaur 22 Attack all enemies
Poison Shot Centaur 5 Causes poison / single
Disembowel Centaur 16 Lowers enemy to 1 HP
Laser Metal 0 Non-elemental attack / single
Nose Blower Gross 16 Poison attack / all
Diarrhea Song Gross 5 Causes diarrhea
Pus Bomb Gross 15 Spam attack / all
Flatulence Gross 12 Blows 1 enemy out of battle (no reward)
Jello Blast Jello 5 Jello attack / single
Kool-AidPulse Jello 40 Revives dead character with minimal HP
Jelloltima Jello 75 Jello attack / all
Nosebreak Finite 0 Physical attack / single
(must recharge for 1 disc after use)
Hot Eats DQ Chuck 20 Fire attack / all
Cool Treats DQ Chuck 20 Ice attack / all
Fire Blast Trichuck 5 Fire attack / all
Blizzard Trichuck 20 Ice attack / all
Earthquake Trichuck 18 Earth attack / all
Spam Breath Doormat 7 Spam attack / all
GravityBreath Doormat 18 Lowers enemy's HP by 1/3 / single
Grand Subway Nullspace60 Non-elemental attack / all
Light Matter Nullspace30 Non-elemental attack / all
Null and Void Nullspace25 Instant death attack / single (no reward)


Note: you cannot use Fusion if Kain and/or the Sidekick are in
your party.

Johnny + Lucille = Lucille Jump-Up*
Johnny + Cid = Teela the Elephant
Johnny + Chartreuse = Cobalt LXVII
Johnny + Tim = Frank the Talking Atomic Bomb**
Johnny + Zitti = Teela the Elephant
Johnny + Pokérman = Froggy the Gremlin
Johnny + Poppin Fresh = Cheeseasaurus Rex
Lucille + Cid = Lucille Breakwind
Lucille + Chartreuse = Mandoruffigan***
Lucille + Tim = Sailor Filbert
Lucille + Zitti = Sailor Filbert
Lucille + Pokérman = Froggy the Gremlin
Lucille + Poppin Fresh = Cheeseasaurus Rex
Cid + Chartreuse = Cobalt LXVII
Cid + Tim = Larry the Pus-Filled Boil
Cid + Zitti = Obscene Golem
Cid + Pokérman = Froggy the Gremlin
Cid + Poppin Fresh = Cheeseasaurus Rex
Chartreuse + Tim = Cobalt LXVII
Chartreuse + Zitti = Cobalt LXVII
Chartreuse + Pokérman = Pokérman XXVI
Chartreuse + Poppin Fresh = Jolly Green Giant****
Tim + Zitti = Sailor Filbert
Tim + Pokérman = Pokertim
Tim + Poppin Fresh = Cheeseasaurus Rex
Pokérman + Poppin Fresh = Poke' Mon

* Lucille Jump-Up is a normal version of Lucille, except you just
see her clothes floating in the air and not Lucille herself. The
only difference is that Lucille Jump-Up is immune to physical

** Frank is exactly like Tim, he just hits harder. Also, it will
kill both Johnny and Tim when he attacks.

*** Mandoruffigan is a preying mantis wearing armor and carrying an
axe. No, I don't understand it either.

**** This is Poppin Fresh's Gear, but with this Fusion, you can use
it in battles that aren't supposed to be Gear battles. Poppin
Fresh is better than his Gear, so I'm not sure why you'd want
to do this.

--Hybrid Abilities--
Trumpet Teela 10 Raises Dullard's attack power
Trunk Smash Teela 0 Physical attack / single
Trample Teela 25 Instant death attack / all
Toboggan Fang Cobalt67 0 Physical attack / single
Dust Ray Cobalt67 15 Induces sneezing / all
Cosmo Memorex Cobalt67 10 Flaming audio tape / single
Pus Bomb Larry 15 Spam attack / all
Giga Sneeze Larry 0 Blows enemies out of battle / all
Ooze Larry 0 Consumes HP to regain MP
Magic Twanger Froggy 10 Instant death attack, almost always works
Slot Bomb Pokertim 0 1 random target (you or enemy) dies
Crybaby Wail S.Filbert 3 Distracts enemies by crying / all
Reverse GravityS.Filbert 30 Earth attack / all
Slr Filbert AtkS.Filbert 99 Kills all enemies
Wave of Cheese Ch.Rex 20 Jello attack / all
Pwr of Cheese Ch.Rex 5 Raises Cheeseasaurus Rex's stats
Cheese To The Ch.Rex 35 Auto-revive when killed / single
Shoe Endorsmnt Mandoruff 25 Causes addiction / all (huh?)
Valor Mandoruff 20 Raises all stats, must recharge
for one disc after use
Swear ObsceneG. 10 Gives game a "T" rating
Profanity Bomb ObsceneG. 25 Non-elemental attack / single
Moon ObsceneG. 12 Moons enemy (causes confusion) / single
Full House Poke' Mon 12 Physical attack / single
Royal Flush Poke' Mon 14 Flushes enemies down toilet / ins. death
PillsburyDough Poke' Mon 8 Raises defense / self

%%%ENEMY SKILLZ%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Funky Flow 24 3 physical attacks
Nose Blower 16 Poison attack / all
Coin Toss 0 Throw money / all
Diarrhea Song 5 Causes diarrhea
Get Cloud! 8 Enemies run away
Moderately Large Guard 30 Raises defense + speed / all
BadToastSpray 25 Spam attack / all / causes diarrhea
Good Breath 30 Cures all status conditions / party
Epsilon 45 Non-elemental attack / all
Green Wind 20 Does damage equal to Johnny's HP / all
L.? ???? 0 I have no idea...
Cancerlung 28 Spam attack / all / causes addiction
L.4 Suicide 12 Kills any with level mult. of 4 / unfocused
Life Roulette 17 Heals random target
Monkey Takes a Shine 30 Spam attack / all / causes poison
Hippobuckle 8 Damage = number of times your multi-page
memory card has crashed*
Stop Pants 0 Drains MP / single
Fruit Punch 12 Does 1-10 damage / single
Angel's Shout 35 Heals one character, cures status
Grand Subway 60 Non-elemental attack / all
Voodoo Economics 45 Spam attack / all
Scientific Hammer 18 Drains HP / single
Silly String 25 Air attack / all / causes paralysis
Neo-M Reverse Shadow F.30 Fire attack / single

* Hippobuckle cannot be cast unless you are using a multi-page
memory card

%%%WOODCHUCK GENES%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

GENE: Generic MP: 3
Location: Crashed Plane
Effect: No special effect

GENE: Mutation MP: 7
Location: Caves under Cosmo Mountain
Effect: One of four random effects.
- Third Eye: raises evade rate.
- Single Eye: raises hit rate.
- Extra Arm: raises attack power.
- Three Heads: raises intelligence.

GENE: Flame MP: 5
Location: Imperial Prison
Effect: Turn into Pyrochuck, use fire attacks.

GENE: Snow MP: 5
Location: Ice Cave
Effect: Turn into Sasquachuck, use ice attacks.

GENE: Stone MP: 7
Location: Zurich
Effect: Turn into Geochuck, use earth attacks.

GENE: Bone MP: 7
Location: Ballbeezy Cave
Effect: Turn into Osteochuck, use Spam attacks.

GENE: Wing MP: 12
Location: Engine room of the Virtola Fighter
Effect: Turn into Pegachuck, raises agility.

GENE: Eldredge MP: 2
Location: Escher Temple
Effect: Raises agility on ice, use healing magic.

GENE: Tree MP: 5
Location: SacredForest
Effect: Turn into Arborachuck, raises agility, use earth attacks.

GENE: Fish MP: 5
Location: Iyar, after defeating Storeman Norman
Effect: Turn into Merchuck, use water attacks.

GENE: Centaur MP: 18
Location: Cosmo Mountain, after defeating Dullardhan
Effect: Turn into Chucktaur, agility up

GENE: Minotaur MP: 16
Location: Shinsplint ruins, defeat Gorgon Woodchuck
Effect: Turn into Gorgon Woodchuck, use special attacks.

GENE: Metal MP: 25
Location: In Smidlock Factory, with all six parts
Effect: Attack, defense, and HP up; turn into Robochuck.

GENE: Gross MP: 10
Location: Lighthouse Roof
Effect: Raises attack power, use gross attacks.

GENE: Fusion MP: 12
Location: Warren tomb in The Volcano
Effect: Combines party into a Hybrid Woodchuck.

GENE: Jello MP: 20
Location: Eternal Plane of Jello, Kool-Aid statue
Effect: Use Jello attacks

GENE: Finite MP: 35
Location: The Abyss, after defeating Ragu
Effect: Turn into Kaiserchuck

%%%CALL SPELLS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

In order to use the second attack listed for each call spell, you
must equip Poppin Fresh with the Jellonomicon accessory.

Location: Poppin Fresh starts with it
Judgment Noodles -- Lightning attack / all
Anger of the Noodles -- Earth attack / all

Location: Cosmo Mountain, after getting UFO
Clean Sweep -- Water attack / all
Cleaner -- Destroys Spam-elemental enemies

MR. YUK MP: 35
Location: Red Tape Swamp, save him from the Man Without a Country
Poison Breath -- Spam attack / all / causes poison
Secondhand Smoke -- Spam attack / all / causes addiction

Location: Gondola Octagon, with Wedge and Vicks in tow
Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day -- Random status
ailments / all enemies
Wonderful Terrific Not Bad Very Good Day -- Gives all good
status conditions to party

Location: New Formaldehyde, give him ingredients he wants
Chop Chop -- Instant death attack / all
Grunge Lance -- Physical attack / single

Location: Caves under Jungle Temple
Tidal Hug -- Heals party
Mega Hug -- Jello attack / single

Location: Timbuktu, after getting Virtola Fighter
Crunchberry Bomb -- Fire attack / all
Crunchberry Storm -- Fire attack / all (stronger)

Location: Coliseum in Iyar, win all six rounds
Antifreeze Wave -- Ice attack / all / causes paralysis
Toilet Flare -- Non-elemental attack / all

Location: San Jose, after charging Legendarrye Sworde
Bite Out Of Crime -- Physical attack / single / lowers defense
Just Say No -- Protects party's status

Location: Mt. Cool Whip
Cool Whip Blizzard -- Air attack / all
Cool Whip Time -- Raises all stats significantly / party

Location: Rhombus Isle, need Gold Hippo
Ultimate Strike -- 13 physical attacks / all
(KoL only has one ability)

%%%MUPPET SUMMONS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Kermit 20 Plays banjo*
Miss Piggy 15 Falls on enemies (air attack, confusion)
Fozzie 15 Throws tomatoes / all (spam attack)
Rizzo 15 Eats small enemies (instant death)
Gonzo 10 Air elemental attack + confusion / single
Swedish Chef 10 Throws lobsters (water attack / all)
Animal 1 60 random physical attacks / unfocused
Statler+Waldorf 5 Start complaining (makes enemies berserk)
Sam the Eagle 9 Gun Control (enemies can't use guns)

* When Kermit plays his banjo, Lucille hops out of her Gear and
she and one of the opponent start dancing and you start playing
Bust-a-Groove. Whoever loses is killed.

%%%SLOT EFFECTS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

When you use Pokérman R's Slot ability, a slot machine appears.
Depending on what you pick, a different result will occur,
although sometimes you'll get a pre-set pattern of slots no
matter what. However, I have never seen him actually get any
of these combinations except for Soap Box and Lago-Morph.

3 Poppin Freshes
Pokérman R randomly casts a call spell that you have available.
However, since they're meant for normal battles and not Gear
battles, even Knights of Labor only does about 100 damage.

Pokérman R tosses a wine bottle to the opponent, who necks it.
This reduces their hit rate by a lot alot alot.

Pokerman R grabs another [targeted] gear, and they begin to
waltz around for the next three turns. They can't do anything,
but any attacks directed at them automatically miss, and all
their damage is healed when they stop dancing.

A giant Pokérman head appears and says "It's-a me, Pokérman!"
A hand then appears and starts dragging the face's nose, ears,
and mouth around. A star falls out of the mouth, and Pokérman
R grabs it. The music changes and Pokerman R starts flashing,
making him invincible for several rounds.

A message appears at the bottom of the screen "Ed Wood
directing." This is followed by an extremely stilted laugh,
and a large flying saucer appears and beams Pokérman R away. He
returns the next turn, and can Fart Fire as a flame attack for
the rest of the battle.

HIPPOBOP 3 hippos
Banishes all opponents into the horror of Beath spinoff Hippo's
Mysterious Dungeon, subjecting them to eternal torment. You
gain no experience or nudeln for enemies killed in this way.

COMBINE HARVESTER 2 hippos + something else
Pokerman R and the other gears disappear, and a large combine
harvester appears in their place, and then runs over the
opponent, doing massive damage. It then disappears, and the
Gears reappear. (The other two Gears will have lost their turn,
however.) If one or more of your allies is dead, the harvester
does correspondingly less damage.

SWEET TOOTH 3 Mars bars
All enemies get cavities (causes addicted status).

THE DARK ONE 1, 2 or 3 Pikachus
Summons Pokérman's elder brother to flash his red eyes and
send the enemies into epileptic seizures, paralying them. The
more Pikachus you get, the longer they stay paralyzed.

GAME OVER 3 faces
Everyone on the battlefield is instantly killed. Pokérman
mutters something about "Moral victory-a", and then you

BEATH JOKER Face, face, Mars bar
A gibbon runs onto the screen and starts laughing at your
opponents. They then get buried under a flood of Cait Sith
and Hanpan dolls, for no good reason. This causes them to miss
a turn while they dig themselves out.

SOAP BOX Any 2 other icons
Pokérman R climbs onto a soap box and starts ranting about the
inalienable rights of man, tough on the causes of crime, and
something about a train with hands. He then grins at the
opponents, blinding them with his sincerity - quite literally.

LAGO-MORPH Any other combination
Pokérman R declares "It's-a morphin' time!" and turns into a
rabbit. Then some kids run in and says "Silly rabbit! Trix
are for kids!" Pokérman gets upset and starts crying, causing
him to lose his turn. He returns to normal Pokérman R on the
next round.


%%%WHACKING SPOTS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Some unusual moles are found in this hill.
Target moles: Brown Mole, Black Mole, Martian Mole, Molenillo

A popular mole-whacking spot just filled with big moles.
Target moles: Brown Mole, White Mole, Rainbow Mole

Moles here are adapted to the water.
Target moles: Rainbow Mole, Mole Bream, Blue Mole

The main mole-whacking spot of the Formaldehyde region.
Target moles: Brown Mole, Black Mole, White Mole, Garden Mole

A mole whacking spot near the forest.
Target moles: Brown Mole, Blue Mole, Garden Mole, Molenillo

A mole whacking spot IN the forest.
Target moles: Brown Mole, Garden Mole, Holy Moley

The noise is almost tangible in this loud place.
Target moles: Puffermole, Mole Bream, Jellymole, Mole-o'-War

Moles live even in the desert.
Target moles: White Mole, Mole-o'-War, Naked Mole Rat, Molenillo

Imperial soldiers often go here on lunch break.
Target moles: Brown Mole, Garden Mole, Mole-o'-War

Farmers consider the mole a pest, but mole-whackers love them.
Target moles: White Mole, Blue Mole, Mole Bream, Flying Mole

Moles love the fertile soil here.
Target moles: Brown Mole, Black Mole, Mole Bream, Garden Mole,

The swampy areas makes for weak mole-whacking.
Target moles: Puffermole, Rainbow Mole, Jellymole, Molenillo

Famous red-mole whacking spot.
Target moles: Brown Mole, White Mole, Rainbow Mole, Red Mole

The best ingredients for the Sobriety Potion can be found here.
Target moles: Brown Mole, Black Mole, Moleckerel

The best moles in the world are said to be found in this hole.
Target moles: Rainbow Mole, Spearmole, Molenillo

Valley formed by Nicotina Range.
Target moles: Black Mole, Mole-o'-War, Tapeworm, Devilmole

Area famous for the "big ones"!
Target moles: Puffermole, Mole Bream, Martian Mole, Clown Mole

A hill in the shadow of the Supreme Temple.
Target moles: Brown Mole, White Mole, Angel Mole, Holy Moley

The home of the legendary Phantom Mole.
Target moles: Phantom Mole

This is NOT an ominous mole-whacking spot.
Target moles: Mole Bream, Blue Mole, Spearmole, Molenillo

%%%MOLE TYPES%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

#1 Brown Mole 50 points
Brown moles like to dig a lot.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 15 cm.

#2 Black Mole 50 points
Black moles are chubby and cute.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 20 cm.

#3 Puffermole 80 points
Mole that inflates itself to combat predators.
Use: Cures poison
Average length: 25 cm.

#4 White Mole 80 points
A rare species of mole that's hard to whack.
Use: Restores MP
Average length: 15 cm.

#5 Rainbow Mole 225 points
River mole -- lives in deep dirt.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 20 cm.

#6 Red Mole 150 points
Mole with red fur -- likes to eat insects.
Use: Combat
Average length: 15 cm.

#7 Mole Bream 180 points
A large-mouthed mole that dwells in water.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 28 cm.

#8 Blue Mole 100 points
Sand-dwelling mole.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 20 cm.

#9 Garden Mole 20 points
A mole that raids gardens, considered a pest.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 10 cm.

#10 Jellymole 1 point
Strangely blob-like mole. Not a good catch.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 8 cm.

#11 Martian Mole 300 points
Lives in fresh soil -- likes worms.
Use: Combat
Average length: 35 cm.

#12 Flying Mole 300 points
Small mole that lives in dirt.
Use: Combat
Average length: 15 cm.

#13 Angel Mole 600 points
Mysterious winged mole said to use Ultra Slim-Fast.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 25 cm.

#14 Clown Mole 225 points
Mole with brightly-colored stripes.
Use: Combat
Average length: 22 cm.

#15 Phantom Mole 1639 points
Legendary mole that's never been whacked.
Use: Evade battle
Average length: 25 cm.

#16 Mole-o'-War 225 points
An aggresive mole with sharp claws.
Use: Combat
Average length: 25 cm.

#17 Tapeworm 400 points
A disgusting creature.
Use: Restores HP
Average length: 1 cm.

#18 Holy Moley 600 points
A sacred mole worshipped by the Flams.
Use: Combat
Average length: 20 cm.

#19 Devilmole 700 points
A mole that carries the power of Spam.
Use: Restores HP
Average lenght: 40 cm.

#20 Spearmole 650 points
King of the ground -- Powerful mole that likes small moles.
Use: Weapon for Cid
Average length: 45 cm.

#21 Naked Mole Rat 400 points
Not really a mole, but a rat without hair.
Use: Restores MP
Average length: 5 cm.

#22 Moleckerel 300 points
Dirt mole -- local favorite in Shinsplint.
Use: Special
Average length: 25 cm.

#23 Molenillo 225 points
Merchant who tunnels around the world.
Use: Trading post
Average length: 80 cm.

%%%MOLENILLO'S SHOPS%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Boomerang: Garden Mole x2, Rainbow Mole x1
Loaf of Stale Bread: Garden Mole x3 Mole-o'-War x1, Red Mole x1
Kool-Aid Pitcher: Brown Mole x2, Rainbow Mole x2

Lightning Rod: Brown Mole x1, Mole Bream x1, Martian Mole x1
Malice Band-aid: Flying Mole x1, Tapeworm x1
Chia Gum: Red Mole x2, Garden Mole x1
Saturday Night Fever: Mole Bream x2, Flying Mole x1
Third Hand: Rainbow Mole x4
Sticker Set: Brown Mole x1, Garden Mole x2

Saturday Night Fever: White Mole x3
EX Turban: Blue Mole x2, Naked Mole Rat x1
Flamethrower: Red Mole x3, Mole-o'-War x2
Gummi Worm: White Mole x1

Third Hand: Brown Mole x2
Kool-Aid Pitcher: Rainbow Mole x1, Devilmole x1

Stale French Bread: Brown Mole x3, Garden Mole x2, Tapeworm x1
Hyper Swatter: Flying Mole x1, Clown Mole x2
Kool-Aid Pitcher: Blue Mole x3, Spearmole x1
Jello Packet: Holy Moley x2, Angelmole x1

Doom Swatter: Phantom Mole x2
Saturday Night Fever: Spearmole x1, Angelmole x1
Shower Curtain: Mole Bream x2, Flying Mole x1
Hanson CD: Tapeworm x3, Devilmole x1
ECM Device: Martian Mole x1, Mole-o'-War x2


0 points: Novice
100 points: Apprentice
250 points: Adept
500 points: Moleman
1000 points: Moleman+
2000 points: Veteran Whacker
3000 points: Expert Whacker
5000 points: Legendary Whacker
7500 points: Master Whacker



---Basic jobs---

MOLE-WHACKERS Skill required: Red
Mole-whackers provide the food your village needs. You'll
need lots of hunters early on to build up your population.
As your Culture level increases, you won't need as
many hunters. Keep pulling off hunters; as long as
you have 99 food, you have enough.

CLEAR LAND / BUILD Skill required: Green
These two jobs are basically the same; you just have to
alternate between them to get new houses. This is important
early on; I'd recommend sacrificing advanced-job platypus
to build up all the houses. Once all the houses are built,
assign all your builders to other jobs -- their work is

---Advanced jobs---

#1 BACTERIA Skill required: Green
These guys increase your Culture level (get it?).
Culture speeds the rate at which you build and research.
Early on, you'll want to boost your Culture level so
you can get all the jobs and buildings.

#2 SCHOLAR Skill required: Light blue
Scholars will research either new jobs, or new equipment.
These are indispensable; you need them to get anything
new in your village. Start by researching jobs, then
switch to equipment.

#3 CONMAN Skill required: Green
Conmen, unsurprisingly, sell you stuff. The price they
sell it at depends on your level...the more powerful you
look, the less safe they feel ripping you off. They're always
charging you above the odds, though. On the other hand, they
can sell you any equipment the Scholars have researched,
most of which you can't get anywhere else. There are
three types of conmen -- weapon conmen, armor conmen, and
handyconmen. Conmen will only congregate if you build a
Dark Alley and have researched the Flashy Raincoat item, as
well as the Conman job itself. The handyconmen will also
eventually sell you the best mallet in the game, the
Mole-Bashing Mallet, and the weapon conmen will sell you
Lucille's best staff in the game, the Ourororororoburous.
Unfortunately, it'll take you forever to get them.

#4 ANNOYING LANDLADY Skill required: Light Blue
This is basically a cheap inn...unfortunately, they have a
no-pets-or-explosive-devices policy, so you can't stay
here if you have Chartreuse or Tim in your party.

#5 FLUNKIES Skill required: None
These Platypuses, in the hope of getting a better
job, presumably, will give you an item. The longer
you let them stew, the better the item. A word of
warning - if Cid is in your party when you visit them,
he'll get annoyed at their sycophantic speeches
and make them eat the item in question.

#6 REPAIRMAN Skill required: Green
When you get your village gets to a certain size, you'll
notice that you keep running out of food. This is because
your subjects' refrigerators are breaking down. To remedy
this, you have to research the Phillips Screwdriver, then
make some Repairman. In general, you'll want 1 Repairman
for every 8-10 Mole-Whackers.

#7 NEWSPAPER Skill required: Light blue
All these platypuses do is tell you of momentous
events occuring all over the world - unfortunately, since
you've just done these events, it's not much use to you.
Build only if you have a serious ego-problem.

#8 DRIFTER Skill required: None
Drifter platypuses bum around from village to village,
panhandling. Give them some of your disposable
income, and the next time you visit, they may give
you a rare item! Or they may be lying sprawled out on
the pavement, clutching a bottle of cheap fortified wine.

#9 RIVERER Skill required: Light blue*
Riverer dig rivers in your villages to provide water,
thus reducing the number of Mole-Whackers you need to
provide food. This is one job, however, where you want
a LOW skill -- if you have too a high a skill, the
platypus will dig too many rivers and the whole town
will be flooded, meaning you have to start from scratch.

#10 PAWNSHOP Skill required: Blue
The sole purpose of the Pawnshop is to buy
all the stuff other shops refuse to buy, claiming
"it's so hot, it's burning my fingers!" You don't
get much for it, though (but it's less irritating
than wandering around with a bunch of loaves of
stale french bread.)

#11 STREET MUSICIAN Skill required: None
Like the Newspaper, this job has no actual benefit -
however, if you give this platypus money, he'll play
a song from the soundtrack. However, he always sings
along with the songs by yelling "La la la" at the top
of his lungs. It's kind of annoying.

#12 COPY Skill required: Light blue
The Copy shop is a little strange, as all it lets you
do is make a backup copy of your Save Game file.
Since you can do this from the PSX main menu anyway,
it's fairly useless.

%%%BUILDING LIST%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You have to clear land and build in the right order.
If you're doing the wrong one, the village will just spin
its wheels and nothing will get built. Here's the
correct order.

(Start with 1 room)
Clear land. (adds first fountain and cobblestones)
Build (2nd house)
Build (add hotel)
Clear land.
Play "Get out of Jail Free" card.
Build Dark Alley.
Get into argument with younger brother, who claims he is
losing because he doesn't have the boot.
Build (adds second floor to 2nd house)
Build (adds another room to second floor)
Clear land (adds second fountain).
Claim older brother is taking money from the bank when
nobody is looking.
Build (adds third floor with two rooms)
Build (adds another room to third floor)
Demolish (destroys entire town. No point, but looks cool and saves
you from having to play this annoying bonus game)


This FAQ is copyright 1998 by Fritz Fraundorf, and has nothing
to do with Breath of Fire whatsoever. This FAQ may not be
distributed or modified without my permission. Any use of or
resemblance to actual persons, places, or events is intended for
satirical purposes only. Beath of Flams is not a real game.


- for beginning the whole Beath of Flams
- for the Bumper Cars Tin Saucer
game and how to get Alexander.
- AJ ( for how to defeat the Tin Armor.
- Brian Hulsman ( for how to get by the band
of thieves.
- Ciaran Conliffe ( for most of
the Platypus Village info and Pokérman R's slot effects.
- David McGrath ( for how to get through Viagra
Falls and the Immateria Sword.
- for telling me where to find the Beanie
Baby with the key to the shipyard, how to get into the
thieves' HQ, how to play the G Trike game, and what you need
to repair the UFO.
- Cosmic Knight ( for the Sailor Filbert
Fusion, a Slot attack, and some Muppet Summons.
- Final Finatic ( for how to get the Burnt
- H. Clower ( for how to get into
the Imperial Prison, and for how to get the Kickaxe.
- Jacob Carson ( for Hippo Breeding
and Platypus Village info.
- for the Carl / BigToaster part, the first
half of the Smidlock sequence, the battle sequence at the
end of Smidlock, and the Nullspace woodchuck.
- Keeleon ( for the L.? ???? and Fruit Punch
enemy skillz.
- Kenneth Nearey ( for how to
get into the sci-fi convention.
- Lobsterboy ( for most of the info on
the Mineral Tower.
- Lord Henrrick ( for info on
the Animal Tower.
- for the events in Timbuktu (except for
Loveiathan, which I made up), the character of Ooga Booga,
and the Evil Omen Goat Monkeys.
- Mike Powers ( for the Kidney Stones concept.
- Paul Nathans ( for the Jumbo Mumbo incident.
- Remex ( for how to get the Monkey Bladder.
- Tseng ( for some more codes in the Room
Everybody Hates, as well as the (incredibly obvious) answer to
the mole puzzle. I can't believe I overlooked that.
- Ultra Gameplayers Online's letters section for the Mr. Squirrel
- for a code for the Room Everybody Hates,
the mole-whacking spot in the SoggyFrontier, the MegaSpamblast
spell, the Life Roulette enemy skill, the Durald Armor, and how
to learn Stop Pants.